182. The Shadow Side of Nice: Why Being Too Good Can Hold You Back.

In this episode of Self-Belief Unsquashed, I'm diving into something I think a lot of us can relate to: the 'too nice trap'. (It's one of the chapters in my book in fact!). Have you ever wondered if being too nice might actually be holding you back, or even making you feel like a bit of a fraud? That's exactly what we're unpicking today, inspired by the classic book, "If I'm So Successful, Why Do I Feel Like a Fake?" by Harvey and Katz.

It's so common, isn't it? We often put on our best behaviour, whether it's on a first date or in a job interview. But real connections and genuine happiness come when we can show our more authentic, sometimes less 'perfect' selves. Think about characters we love in books and on screen, like Elizabeth Bennett – their flaws are part of what makes them real.

The trouble starts when we feel this pressure to be constantly nice, so much so that we start to hide other parts of ourselves – what Carl Jung called our 'shadow self'. We might worry about revealing any anger, envy, or frustration, fearing rejection. As Harvey and Katz found in their research, people who others see as nice can secretly feel unworthy, even mean or hostile, believing they've somehow deceived people into liking them. This can lead to the strange feeling of being an imposter.

We also look at how we sometimes let our thoughts dictate our feelings, assuming that having a negative thought makes us a bad person – which simply isn't true. We all have those fleeting moments of irritation or frustration!. I share some relatable examples of falling into the 'too nice trap', like feeling obliged to donate extra at the till or attend events we don't really want to, just to avoid being seen as mean or unsociable. Even something as simple as adding smiley faces to emails can be part of this!.

But constantly hiding our true selves isn't healthy. As Robert Green discusses in his brilliant book, "The Laws of Human Nature", beneath that polite exterior, we all have a darker side. Repressing it can actually be harmful, leading to unexpected outbursts. Green suggests we need to become aware of our own dark side to control it and integrate it, leading to greater authenticity. "I'd rather be whole than good," as Carl Jung famously said.

So, how do we navigate this? It's about finding a balance. We touch upon the idea of assertiveness, which, as John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut explain in "Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential", isn't about being aggressive but finding that sweet spot between passive and aggressive, requiring both strength and warmth.

Ultimately, it's about self-awareness and understanding that it's okay to have a range of emotions and opinions. You don't need to be relentlessly 'lovely' to be liked or valued. In fact, trying to be that all the time can be exhausting and inauthentic.

If you're curious to explore this further, I've even got a couple of little tests on my website, trishalewis.com on the 'stay unsquashed' resources page – the Harvey IP scale from the book we mentioned, and my own squashometer test. Have a go and see what you think!

Stay curious and unsquashed!