Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers
TV & Film:Film Reviews
Well here it is - this is the absolute worst movie we've ever had on the podcast.
Ok so what must a film do to be a 1 star film? Well, first it obviously must suck. It has to be a terrible viewing experience. It has to contribute NOTHING of value to the viewer. But with all those pieces, we still give 2 stars for just those items. Making a movie is damn tough and just getting it done gives it a single star from us. BUT there's one very special piece that is needed to be 1 star - at the end of the movie, you realize the movie doesn't exist. What could I mean? Well think of Monster-a-Go-Go and at the end a title card and narrator tells you that the scenes you've just watched were fake and didn't happen. Its the WORST!
How does that relate to Hell Behind Bars? The "plot" of the movie revolves around some diamonds. Our lead lady in prison is there because when she sold the diamonds, cops arrested her for killing a guy in front of them. Yet, the rest of the film is both "breaking out of prison/getting those diamonds" - including people going through such stupid acts as killing themselves to get those diamonds - BUT THE DIAMONDS WERE SOLD TO A FENCE!!!! She doesn't have the damn things! We see it on screen! And the rest of the movie is about the damn diamonds and getting them.
So there's that. This thing is also a terrible soft-core porn with some of the most unattractive people to have ever been nude on screen. Then the sex scenes themselves are Neil Breen inspired as no one actually knows how to screw. And they are all so gross that if you saw this as your first exposure to sex, you'd be so scarred you'd become asexual. Ick.
Everything sucks. I'm mean it. There's no good here which is an incredible achievement. You can usually trip into something good in almost any production yet they managed to absolutely fail on every level. It should be in the bottom 100 if not the bottom 5. It's that bad. Do not watch.
Steel Dawn - Where does all the meat come from?
Krull - Gun Swords, NOPE!
Night Hunter - How vampires went extinct
Messenger of Death - BLOOD FEUD!!!!!!!
Squeeze Play - Its a pickle
Joysticks - The Friar Tuck addiction story
Reindeer Games - Rudy finds his nose
Christmas Twister - Wind Spans and Weather Speeds
Santa's Summer House - Santa kidnaps karate people
The Cartier Affair - As good as Grape Nuts
Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold - It's---ran out of room
Coronasode 15 - The Beast of Teen Wolf
King Solomon's Mine - Adventure for Hire
Sundown: You Better Take Care
Hell of the Living Dead - Hold on to your lunch!
Witchery - Evil Dead 4?
Wish Upon - Hope you like Teen Witch
The Rift - Literally in an octopus' garden
Tango & Cash - Stinker Madness Rerun
Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding - worst revenge plan ever
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