Ep 62 | 5 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays After Disconnecting from Family or Loved Ones

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The Grey Rock Method episode mentioned:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-still-she-thrives-narcissistic-abuse-toxic-relationships/id1662241353?i=1000594909977

 

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Speaker 1: (00:00)
Welcome to, but still she thrives. It is almost Christmas. For those of you who celebrate, we have been kind of touching on the holiday season and today we are gonna talk about five ways to enjoy the holidays after disconnecting from a family member or loved one. So stay tuned. We will dive in.

Speaker 1: (00:24)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.

Speaker 1: (01:21)
Alright, so first and foremost, I know it is very difficult to disconnect from someone in general, especially a narcissist. They know how to make it all worse somehow. And especially at holiday season, it can be really tough, especially if this is your first holiday slash Christmas without them. So we're gonna talk about five ways that can help you get through it a little easier. I'm not gonna say it's gonna be so easy if you do these things, but it can lighten the load a little bit. Number one, this was very important for me. Surrounding yourself with as many people as you can who love you, uplift you and support your decision. Often when we disconnect from narcissists, they usually have people, we may have people in common that can guilt trip us, make us out to be the bad guy because the narcissist may have smeared our name or done whatever they do, right to um, alter people's opinions of us.

Speaker 1: (02:34)
They will lie, they will do whatever they need to do so they look like the good guy, right? So the trick here is to try to use those blinders with the haters. So this is kind of going in hand in hand with surrounding yourself with the people that are actually there for you and supportive of you. It's also keeping the people that are not away from you. That should be always, but especially at holiday time. Whatever you can do if you have to block people on social media, block 'em. I've blocked a lot of people and at first it was kind of tough. It felt weird. It felt like, oh great, now I look like even more of an a-hole. But I knew I had to do that for my own peace. And we are here to protect our peace first and foremost for ourselves, for our immediate family.

Speaker 1: (03:24)
Or you know, if you have children, that was a big thing for me. I want my daughter to have peace and if something is going to mess with my peace, it's kind of a domino effect where it can affect the people around you. So smash that guilt coin. Squish it, squish it and wish it. Alright, so building that support system going into the holiday. And if I know some of you do have to be at actual dinners, Christmas exchanges, whatever, with someone you may not be talking to or you are trying to have limited conversations, also go to, I forget what number it is, oh episode, it's on the Gray Rock Method. I'll try to remember to link it in the show notes. But the gray rock method, you can search my name and Gray Rock Method, um, the name of the podcast in Gray Rock Method.

Speaker 1: (04:09)
It'll come up. But it helps you if you don't know how to navigate a narcissist, if you have to have contact with them, the gray rock method is the best way to go. So let's say you're in this situation at a dinner, at a Christmas exchange that will help you know how to navigate it. Um, so that's another thing to just throw in there. I know some people you are, you feel like you are stuck and you have to, um, and if you are in that situation that can really help you deal with it. But keep just quick tips on that. Keep your time limited, keep your emotions out of it. Very short answers if at all. If there has to be a conversation, yes or no. And make sure that you always have your own way to get in and out of somewhere because you have permission to remove yourself from any situation at any time.

Speaker 1: (05:08)
Get up, get out, say deuces. Okay, number two, creating new traditions. So sometimes when we've either been in a romantic relationship with somebody or it's someone who is our child, our parent, our sibling, we not, we aren't just grieving the loss of a person, even though we're doing it for our benefit, it's still a loss. It's still something we have to grieve and go through the process of grieving. On top of that, we grieve holidays, we grieve traditions that we did that you know, there are some obviously bad memories with these people, but then there may be some good memories. There may be some holiday traditions that you did and loved. So creating new traditions that could be with yourself, that can be fun. Hey, 30 miracle on 34th Street in my pajamas with some popcorn. Yes. Um, or, and or also creating traditions with other loved ones like those people in your support system that we talked about.

Speaker 1: (06:09)
Um, and if you don't have a support system, I'm telling you the online world is amazing. There are support groups for all the things. So you can go and search for people online if you don't have a group of friends or support near you right now. Alright? So creating those new traditions with those new people. And if you meet an online friend, you guys could even do, what do they call it? There's some app where you can like watch movies together, like from different parts of the world. I think it's so cool. Um, and you can like chat and whatever through it. I just think that's neat. So there's an idea you could make that kind of a holiday tradition. Alright, number three, you know all about that Self-care life using the holidays in general is like, there's so much chaos. It's like an automatic good excuse for self-care.

Speaker 1: (07:06)
And when you are feeling down, when you have disconnected from somebody and you're having a hard time, it's really important to prioritize yourself, you know? And sometimes that can be hard though. Easier said than done it sounds like. Okay. Yeah, that's great. So you do have to get that momentum. Do the, what is it called, five second rule, Mel Robbins, her little trick, the five second rule where you count down from five and just like do the thing, just get up. I always do it for the gym. I'll be honest, I'm not like a gym rat. I have to kind of force myself. I love it when I'm there, but it's like getting that momentum. So I use that where I put my shoes right next to my bed. So it's just like a boom, get up, go to the gym. So I go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Speaker 1: (07:54)
Get up. Just get up. Like that's a no matter what, you have to get up. So it take, it can take some training, but there are little tools and you can always, there's so much free information on Google. If you really wanna be happy and you aren't that self-motivated, you can definitely get support. We'll go into that at the end here 'cause I love to help supporting people like this. But there is help out there. There's therapists, there's coaches, there's people that can help you. Um, but if you have that self-motivation, do the five second rule and look on Google. That was where I was going. I squirrel to my brain went squirrel. But if you go to Google, you can find so many free tools of how to motivate yourself. There's a lot of different ways and methods, all of that, just like the five second rule is one that came to my mind that I use myself.

Speaker 1: (08:49)
Um, so what does self-care look like? There's so many ways. Obviously exercise is great. Getting in your body is, it's just so beneficial to get out of your head and into your body. That is my, the best way I get out of my own anxieties or worries is going literally like into the body dancing. If you've been following me while, you know I love to dance, I dance all the time. But reading, taking long walks, practicing any hobby, painting, whatever. Take up a new dang hobby or do a spa day. If you are disconnected, let's say you are feeling lonely. Do something nice where you can sit, read with a book cup of coffee and then go take a little half day at the spa. You deserve it. You're a queen. So taking care of yourself during this time period, and especially if you have gone through narcissistic abuse or you have disconnected from someone and you're just struggling, this is a really great way to obviously take care of yourself. It's self-explanatory, self-care. But I understand sometimes it's a hard to get that little nudge in your butt. So getting support is very important as well as looking up ways to help motivate yourself. You gotta help yourself to help yourself. Number four, I put a number one up if you're watching me on video. You see, I don't know my numbers today. Number four is practicing gratitude.

Speaker 1: (10:23)
My best friend, well I don't know why I have a weird accent now. My best friend says this is her. She uses gratitude as a weapon. And I get it. It's like when something hard comes at you, if you can muster up. And sometimes we feel like we can't, but there's always something to be grateful for. There is. That's just a fact. It's just are we allowing ourselves to see it? To marinate in it. If you're having a really day or time, it might be hard, but you know, there is something if you can just grab one thing, it can lift you a little bit. One thing you are grateful for. And then challenge yourself to write down. I'm big on pen and paper. Y'all writing down gratitudes rather than just saying them. I feel in my experience are it's more beneficial. But reflecting on those positive aspects of your life, writing them down, it could be as small as that chocolate covered cherry was epic and made me just burst with joy last night, night.

Speaker 1: (11:27)
Okay, I don't know, I don't know what you're eating in your late night, your late night hurrah. Um, my personal favorite right now is apple cider ice cream. Oh no. Apple pie ice cream. It's so good. By the way. Little, a little thing if you're a wet brand, hold on. Oh, it's called ala mode, right? Little commercial. I'm not sponsored ala mode. Please sponsor me and send me all the free ice cream. Um, but there is a brand, especially if any of you have allergies or your children have allergies. Alamo is like an allergen friendly place in New York. You have to order in bulk, but that's okay 'cause it's delicious. Apple pie is like the best flavor ever, but they have really good flavors, okay? Into our non fake commercial aspect. So being grateful for that ice cream. Maybe it's something big. Maybe you got a promotion, but you're so focused on your relationships, you're just not feeling that excited.

Speaker 1: (12:23)
Really focus on that. Like close your eyes, feel it in your body, you know, like where you were and where you are now despite what's going on. We can always find something. We can always find something. So you can even start a gratitude journal that every morning and every night, preferably you write in. Um, when I started my whole, I don't know, healing journey, that is something I did. Now I should do it every day still, but I don't. I do it here and there when I'm feeling like it. Um, but it is a great way, it's a great weapon as my friend says. All right, last but definitely not least, you know, I love boundaries and I am actually giving 10% off of my boundaries course. Yeah, you heard it. Boundaries. It's the B word. My boundaries course 10% off for you guys. So I will put a link in the podcast notes for the boundary.

Speaker 1: (13:23)
I'm trying to think if I can do coupon code. I'm on a doing a new system for my courses and I just decided to do this today. So I don't have it set up, but I will figure it out and put a link to it there in the information. But my boundaries course is awesome and this is so important, so important to set. Well establish what your boundaries are and really like a quick zip. Some people are like, I don't even know what my boundaries are. How to set boundaries. A really quick, quick, this is like the quickest, most surface level thing I can do with this at this moment. But for the podcast sake, I'll try doing. I do a hell yes, hell no list. It's even in my course and I go into like a lot more detail on it. But the hell yeses in your life and the hell nos.

Speaker 1: (14:15)
And starting with let's say something that's a hell no. That you wanna make a hell yes. Our goal is to get those hell nos into the hell yes side, right? Like all the things that are not aligned and not working in your life. How can we get those over to the hell? Yes. So a really quick surface level one to start set, start setting your boundaries. 'cause you, if you don't set boundaries, you probably have many to do, but take a little, a little sparkle by. A little sparkle, okay? So the first thing you write, just write out a few, don't overwhelm yourself. All right, we got time, we got time. Write just a couple boundaries maybe at the most five to start. I mean the hell yes and hell no, right? So what are five things that work, five things that aren't working.

Speaker 1: (14:59)
Let's say one thing that's not working is, um, your mother's very overbearing and you still feel like a child around her and she tells you what to do and dah, dah, dah. I don't know, I'm just grabbing one with like a one. I have heard that's more common than you may think from clients of mine, right? Like they're mothers are overly involved in their lives and sometimes they still feel like children. That's a boundary to set, right? So let's say that's a hell no. The the way to get it into the hell yes is to start setting boundaries around that. Not saying, Hey, get rid of your mom, cut her out. That is not our goal here with this. The, I mean, if it's a pattern and gets abusive, right? Whatever, that's a whole other episode. But let's say, you know, it's just a lot of moms, they're used to, you know, you're their kid, but at a certain age we're like over it.

Speaker 1: (15:55)
Like, all right, look, I'm a bird, I'm flying, just let me go. Um, so you could set a boundary around that, right? Like it could be either a talk with her or setting, maybe you don't answer the phone every time. Let's say she calls like 5 million times a day, you don't answer the phone, stuff like that. Okay? Um, that is maybe not the best example, but I'm just on a whim here. And , I don't plan my podcasts, right? I don't plan them out. And that's why when you work with me, we get more time to really think about, think about these things and customize it for you. So I'm just thinking of a random example I thought of that I know at least three women that of my clients had issues with their mothers being way too involved in their lives and the, and even their parenting, like over advising on how they were parenting their kids, stuff like that.

Speaker 1: (16:54)
So setting boundaries, right? So that's a quick way you can start to set boundaries to just give you a like a little tool. Um, but my boundaries course I will give you 10% off. That'll be a limited time. Um, I'm actually raising the price next year. So rabbit wallet, ah, yes, it is 10 prerecorded videos. They're dripped out once every week so you can, you know, do it at that pace and, but you have like a lifetime to watch them. But I think the dripping out once a week is good to keep you like having that momentum and it comes out and you're like, okay, yes, gonna do this this week. So it starts with, you know, evaluating what boundaries you need. Then it's establishing the boundaries. It's having the conversations about the boundaries. It's maintaining the boundaries. It even, we even talk, we as in me and my three personalities.

Speaker 1: (17:49)
I don't know, me, me, myself, and I . I also talk about setting boundaries with yourself, like phone boundaries. I, this one is one of the favorite parts. It's like that unexpected little cherry on top of the, of the course. Um, one of my clients was like my favorite one was the phone boundaries. Like she wasn't even expecting that I was kind of outta nowhere, but she said that helped her be so much more productive and just feel more peaceful. She said she didn't realize how much her phone was like running her life and how dependent she was on it, where it was actually causing her stress. Like she had to always be on and available and like at the beck and call of her phone, if that makes sense. So I like that part too. It's a good one. Um, except if you're interested, check out my show notes and get that boundaries course now while it's hot, fresh and hot.

Speaker 1: (18:49)
Um, and even if you just watch a video or two before Christmas, you could get a little insight before you see your peeps at Christmas time. But just in general, a problem. A lot of people who have been through narcissistic abuse or trauma or had alcoholic parents or emotionally unavailable parents hard childhoods in whatever way, a lot of us have issues with setting and holding boundaries. So that's why I created that course because it's so important and most of the people who have gone through it are dealing with it. So if you're listening to this, you might have some problems setting boundaries. So get it. All right. So remember it is okay to feel sad. Like we don't wanna bypass our feelings or think we're stupid for feeling this way or we're too sensitive or what. No, like you've been through some, okay? But you're a queen.

Speaker 1: (19:55)
So you are going to figure out how can I get through this the best I can. That's why you're here. That's why you're listening to this, right? You want to help yourself. Self-help, right? And sometimes we don't have all the answers or we haven't been through the process long enough to be on the other side. So we need a little help and guidance. So there's my boundaries course, if you wanna work with me, one-on-one, I have nothing until probably maybe mid-January. Um, but you can apply. I can put a link for you to sign up for working one-on-one with me. I'm doing some amazing somatic healing work as well. So we are healing from the inside of the body out . It's so creepy sounding, isn't it when I say it like that? Um, but if you want sustainable healing, you have to really work with the body mindset's great.

Speaker 1: (20:54)
I do a lot of mindset work and now I'm bringing in all this body work and I'm seeing the results. So if you want to work with me and either way, either through the course that is prerecorded, I am not involved live in that, or one-on-one, check out my links in the lovely little description box and have peace. No, don't take the bait with narcissists with anybody that are acting like jerks. Don't take the bait. Remember? Like, don't be afraid. We've gotta release this fear around, oh, we don't wanna look bad or hurt feeling someone's treating you bad. It's not okay. You have permission to stand up for yourself or to walk away. All of the above. Be like, Krista, Jade sent me. She said, I'm not gonna tolerate you'll BS 'cause I'm a queen. All right, hands on heart. This is, this is a good one.

Speaker 1: (21:51)
All right, we are going to end with an affirmation or two or three. Hold on. I'm trying to, if you can see me on the video. Um, I put this on YouTube for those of you like, what is she talking about? This is on YouTube as well. My YouTube channel is Christy Jade or Fierce, Christy Jade, I don't even remember, but it's one of those. Um, and I thought it'd be fun to do video podcasts as well. So here I am looking crazy, jumping around, trying to get comfortable. All right, hands on heart, take a deep breath in and release. We're gonna do three of these. Inhale and release. Inhale. We're gonna hold this one at the top. Inhale, hold it, hold it. And when we release in a second, when you exhale, exhale everything, you got all that BSS out. Exhale. Keep going, keep going. Don't pass out. Okay. All right. So we're a little looser. Okay? I am stronger than my fear. Repeat after me. I am stronger than my fear. I give myself permission to walk away. I don't have to tolerate from anybody 'cause I'm a queen. Yay. Alright. I know this can be a hard time, but I got got your back. I love you. I'm here. I get you. I see you. I'm holding you. I'm giving you a big bear hug and happy holidays, as happy as they can be. If you're going through a hard time, have a little moment, a little squeezy hug. And don't forget your smooches and your deuces and I will see you in the next episode of, but still, she thrives.