Effective Strategies to Connect with Others

 You are really going to enjoy my guest today.

Today I have Amberly Neese on the podcast. She is a featured speaker, emcee, and comedian. She lives in Prescott, Arizona. And she is the author of several books, Untangling Faith, Friendship Initiative, Common Ground, and Belonging Project. 

And I can tell you from personal experience that she doesn't just talk about connection, she lives it.

 I'm Dr.Vickie Petz Kasper. If you're ready to take control of your health, you're in the right  place. Whether you're focused on prevention or you're trying to manage a condition. I'll give you practical steps to start your own journey toward better health because healthy looks great on you.

This is episode 157. Effective strategies to connect with others.  

Dr. Vickie: Welcome, Amberly. I am so happy to have you on the show today. Now, I always like to start by talking about how we met. And I met you back in the fall in a very remote spot in the woods in California. We spent a week together and you made me laugh and you inspired me and you gave me hope that there are very practical ways that people can learn to connect with each other. So tell us a little bit about your ministry and what you're doing.

 Amberly: Yeah. So I am an author and speaker and comedian and actually speaker coach as well. , but my, , my heart's passion is connecting people to God, connecting people to others and connecting people to who God has created them to be.

And so connection is my jam. So I'm very excited about that.  I am connected to a really cute guy of 32 years, my husband, Scott, and we have two adult children who one lives across the country, which is not working for me and a son, an adult son who is going to school and living with us. But, I am so thankful to say that I have done pretty extensive research  on not only the benefits of community, but actually how to get into community.

And so. If in any way I could be an encouragement to somebody listening about how to how to find their tribe and learn to thrive I would love it. I have bible studies on it. I have , all sorts of resources on it because for me, this is really a pivotal part of a thriving christian life for sure.

 Dr. Vickie: You know, I talk a lot about the impact of loneliness on your health, and adults experience loneliness in increasing numbers since the pandemic. Anywhere from one in three to one in two. And so, if you're speaking to that person who's having trouble connecting, where do you even start?  

Amberly: That's such a good question. And I think, in full disclosure,  That you would like connection is the first thing loneliness to say. I need a friend. I want connection is so vulnerable. And I, so I think it's so courageous for somebody to get to a place where they say,  I can't do this on my own. It is not good for me to be alone.

It's not good for people to live in isolation. And so I think the first step is just admitting. I mean, it sounds like I'm leading an AA meeting and I'm okay with that. But the first thing is to admit you have a problem to admit that loneliness is a factor. The second thing is to kind of, it's almost like a dating profile. Now, I have, I've never, praise the lord, I've never had to do the swiping left swiping right. I don't even know what those things mean. But if I had to re enter that world, I would be very clear about what I was looking for, what I offer  and what I'm looking for. And, I think that the same thing happens in friendship.

You have to figure out, what is it that you're looking for? Do you want somebody to sit with you while you knit every day? Okay, I mean, good luck with that, but it's possible that that's what you want. Do you want somebody to take walks with you? Do you want somebody to be able to share your secrets with?

Do you want somebody who you can go country line dancing on Tuesday nights? I mean, you have to figure out what it is that you want, but also you have to figure out what it is, what is it that you have to offer.  And for me, and I know Vickie for you as well, this is very possible. I had to be honest with the fact that I don't have a plethora of extra time.

I just can't lunch all the time. Like so many of the people in my life where they have this incredible margin of time. I don't. So I have a limited amount of time. So I had to be honest that in a friendship, that's part of what I bring to the table, but I also bring encouragement because that's something I'd love to do.

I'd love to encourage people. I. I bring honesty.  Some people can't handle the truth, so I'm looking for friends who can handle the truth. And not only that, I'm looking for friends who are what I call love and shove friends, which are people who love me where I'm at, but shove me to greater things and want the best for me.

And when I'm not doing what's best for me, that they love me enough to say, girl,  cut it out.  I love you. And I would love to help you be part of getting better at this. So you have to figure out what do you bring to the table. So admit you need a tribe, figure out what it is that you bring and what it is that you need.

And then this sounds like such an old school kind of sage thing, but go to the need, which means figure out something you're passionate about, something that makes your teeth itch when you think about it. It's something that , makes you passionate, good or bad, and then be part of the solution. And in doing so, you will find people with equal,  passion for the things you're passionate about.

If it's hiking, if it's women's rights, if it's whatever it happens to be, if it's feeding the homeless, find the need and go there.  And, I promise you, you will find people who are like minded, maybe not perfect runoff into the sunset best friends, but you'll find people who are like minded and you'll be reminded of the power of community.

Dr. Vickie: You are spot on with vulnerability because like you, I'm an extrovert. I think we've established that. But during the years of the pandemic, I experienced the most loneliness that I have ever felt in my entire life. And it was extremely painful. And it was good to admit it. And I remember I wrote in a blog post one time and I said, I'm lonely. And it felt shameful almost.  

Amberly: 100%. I mean, the word lonely has one in it. To say  I'm by myself feels so difficult. However, I love that in many translations of the Bible, it said that Jesus went to lonely places, meaning he felt like, man, he had perfect connection with the Father and yet he felt like, man, nobody kind of understands my plight right now. 

And , I think we all have those, we all have those seasons where you're like, wow, I am knee high and whatever it is I'm going through and I don't feel like anybody understands this, but, you're not alone. That's the first thing I'm going to say. , you're not alone. But the other thing is, I truly believe, the brilliant doctor in you, I'm sure is going to talk about this later on.

Your intro is going to talk about this particular thing, but I truly believe all the brain research, all of the physiological research says we are wired to connect with others. We are, we are literally fashioned to be stronger in number. And, no matter what your ideology is, as far as where we came from and how we got here, community was a vital part of all of that.

And so I think,  to recognize that you need other people, it means you, you get to a place of humility that you're probably better to be with anyway, if you didn't feel like you needed people, it's probably why you don't have people because nobody wants to be with you.  But if you get to a place where you say, I could use some help in this area.  What a beautiful invitation for others to get there. And as you said, the statistics are staggering. Before COVID January of 2020, more than half of Americans admitted to being lonely and 61 percent or something like that said they don't have anybody to tell a secret to. So sister sledge, you and I were not the only ones that were feeling lonely. During COVID, and I think it's gotten worse. Honestly, I think COVID actually exacerbated an already difficult situation.

Dr. Vickie: I do too, but I think it, it did shine a spotlight on it. And I also wanted to tell you that I've never felt my teeth itch before, so I don't really know exactly what that means, but I do think that making connections takes time. And that's one of the frustrations.

Amberly: oh, Absolutely. It does take time, but  at the risk of sounding like I'm giving like too broad a statement - anything worth having is worth investing the time in. And so if you say, I don't have time to exercise, but I do have time to die early, right? That's essentially what I say when I don't exercise.  If I want to have all the benefits and you're going to give us all  the medical ramifications of loneliness and they're crazy. You have to recognize, do I want to do any of those things? It's like the commercials on television when they say you're going to have clear skin, but side effects may include proclivity to gamble, , you want suicidal thoughts. And I think, you know what, I think I'm going to stick with my itchy skin. Thank you so much. Right, you have to weigh the consequences. And, in this case, the benefits to your health are so  profound.

It seems almost ridiculous that we would say, I don't have time for friends. You may look at your calendar and think that, but I would like to say, I think that you need to make the time you need to prioritize it because you need to prioritize you and your health.

So I don't have the medical degree. I just have a lot of mileage on my friendship vehicle and have made tons of mistakes and would like to say my life is richer because of the people that I've opened my heart to. and open my calendar to as well. 

Dr. Vickie: That is so true. And it's not just your physical health. It's also your mental health and your spiritual health.  And I love that you talk about what we have to give to a friendship because let's be honest, some people can be a drain.  

Amberly: True, true, true, true. And You know, my mom used to say to me, baby girl, there are two people, the two types of people, givers and takers, which is a kind of jaded.

So can I tell you this sweet, the sweetest story? I love this so much. So for my last birthday,  I think it's the best birthday I've ever had. Okay. So I, I'm 55. I just turned 55. So I'm finally the speed limit. Excited about that. And I have a group of girlfriends that we've worked hard to invest in one another and it's not all rainbows and happy faces. It doesn't look like Gilmore girls all the time. We do life together and sometimes it's happy and sometimes it's hard and there's lots in between. We support each other. Months before my birthday, one of the ladies said, save this weekend, don't make any plans. And I said, okay, what are we doing? She said, you're letting me take care of this. I said, okay, again, for me, Vickie, you know,  I do like to know the plans, right? I I love scripture that says, I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. But I am always like, could you let me in on the plans? And that's not what he promises. So she says, let me take care of the plans. So  when all was said and done,  A group of ladies picked me up and we drove two hours to Phoenix and we went thrift shopping. Why? Because that's my favorite thing to do.

Most of these ladies had never been thrift shopping. They're in a financial echelon, they don't have to worry about thrift shopping, but they did it because I love it. And then we had dinner and we had my favorite food and then they said, Oh, we better hurry up. We've got a show. I said a show and I'm thinking my husband teaches theater.

I know all the shows that are happening in Phoenix and I'm thinking I wonder what show we're going to. Are we going to this one? Are we going to this one?  And one of them had asked me almost over a year ago, Hey, you inspire us when you speak, who inspires you? And I gave her a list of five people. She knew four of the five, but she didn't know the fifth one.

So she looked it up and that person actually happened to be speaking in Phoenix the weekend of my birthday. And so they surprised me with one of my favorite speakers and Vickie I think it was my favorite birthday, not because I got the most amazing gifts, although I'm thankful for the gifts I got, it's because for the first time in my life, I felt like a group of ladies  saw me and celebrated me. 

And that's a sweet story, but I can tell you that's 54 years of not necessarily doing community right. But they, however that happened, they felt like I see them and I celebrate them. And so that's what they wanted to do for me  and seriously, sweetest birthday ever. And, again, long time coming.

I made a lot of friendship mistakes. I, I've dropped the friendship ball a lot and I've hurt people and I've had to make amends for that. So I'm thankful that there is hope. There is hope for all of us, even those. Weirdos who like thrift shopping and I'm so thankful for that. 

Dr. Vickie: That is so beautiful. And I think it demonstrates what we talked about earlier, and that is vulnerability. You have to have vulnerability to have a true relationship.

Amberly: Totally. As you know, I think you and I spend enough time, , you're the master at this, but I'm a Padawan learner on this, the gift of questions. I can't encourage you enough to, if you're looking for a community to get yourself a couple of great questions  that help you get to know people better. And what's so funny is that people are like, Amberly, you're such a great conversationalist. And I'm like, no,  I just ask good questions. And you brought the conversation.

But at the end of the conversation, again, I had a group of ladies who wanted to  celebrate me and to help me know that I was seen. Why? Because I've asked questions and I've gotten in their world and I've done my best to try to remember stuff. If you tell me something, Vickie, like, this is my favorite Starbucks drink, it goes in my phone under your contact. And if I ever want to meet you, I look up your, your Starbucks order and I bring it to you on the way. And people are like, how do you do this? And I'm like, because of Jesus and Google. I just, I keep all this stuff together so that you feel like I see you. 

Dr. Vickie: That's so intentional and I think that that's really important in relationships to be intentional.  

Totally. Win-tentional is what I call it. You know,  it sounds like, , you know, strategy, strategery, , as they say in the office, but. The truth is it is intentional. It does take effort. There's no doubt about there is no easy button on community. There's no easy button on friendship.  Heck, we're two or more gathered, there's also conflict, right? So you have to work those things out. And last time I checked, it takes time and energy and investment and vulnerability, all those things, but worth it.  So worth it. 

Dr. Vickie:  I think that is so good and it encourages people who maybe feel like they're on the outside looking in because I think a lot of times people think, Oh, they're in a friend group and I just wish I could be like that. And so what advice do you have for people to just start being intentional and to start connecting?  

Amberly: So, first of all, I've  opened my Facebook feed and gotten my feelings hurt so many times I can't even tell you. So I've been on the outside looking in. So there's a couple of things. The first one is, I've also called people and said, Hey, the next time you go to that thing, let me know.

I would love to be a part of that. That looked like so much fun. So again, you're admitting to yourself and another,  I could use this. But the second thing is start your own party.  Invite.  This sounds like such a third grade thing, but invite people that you see that were also not at said get together and think, you know what? Vickie's not in any of those pictures. I bet Vickie would be, would be up for that. If that was your thing.

We have a new game that we love in our house called the Bible is Funny, hilarious. I get no kickbacks for saying this one of the greatest games. And guess what? It costs 0 to open up and play it in my house. 

It might cost me some chips and salsa to invite people over for a game night, but if I'm the instigator and again, sometimes you ask and people say no, and that's hard, but what if it works out?  Well, then you've gotten to have chips and salsa with somebody who's choosing to spend time with you. You get to have a great time of games and then you find out more about them. They find out more about you and you can figure it out. Again, it's not formulaic because it's people.  But, that would be what I would say is, again, go to the need, be part of that. Speaking of Facebook, and again, social media is such a  hotbed, but one thing about Facebook that's fabulous, there is a group for everything.

Blonde people who love Pomeranians. There's probably a Facebook group, hikers in the county, you know, big eyebrows who love, I don't even know, chess. I promise you for every walk of life, there is a Facebook group. And so start maybe, on a very, easy level, which is connecting with people online with similar things.

And then once you practice that a little bit, then move on to the next thing and maybe again connect with somebody. Hey, can I meet you for coffee?  One of the best is 'Wow, I really admire the things that you're doing right now.'  At work or whatever it happens to be. 'Can we meet for coffee? Can I talk to you about some of that stuff?' News flash people love to talk about themselves and they love to talk about the stuff they're passionate about. So why not make it about them?  And in doing so you may make a connection that you are forever thankful for.

Dr. Vickie: That is such good advice, and you know, I moved to a new town about a year ago, and so it was a big change for me. I didn't have the group of friends around me that I had always had, and it's not easy to make new friends. It's not easy to connect in a new place, and I'm thankful to say that I'm kind of part of multiple groups now, and I'm very appreciative for, uh, the people that reached out to me, and it has made such a difference. But it's hard.  

 Amberly: Absolutely it is. And, we had the same thing. That's why I wrote my Bible study about finding your tribe, is that both my husband and I struggled terribly moving to a community we couldn't wait to live in. I love this place, but it felt so cliquey. It really feels cliquey when you're on the outside. But then the other thing is once you are in a group, remember that, remember the sting of feeling like an outsider and make sure there is always a chair available at the table, always.  

Because there are people that do that, where they're like, well now that I'm in, let's close the gates. And it's like, wait, wait, wait, there are other people who could benefit from this.  And I'm going to say especially to older ladies, and I consider myself one of those older ladies. Please be on the lookout for those young moms who are on the struggle bus. Those young women who look like they have all the things because they're because their Instagram page is on point.  But the truth is they are as lonely or more lonely than my generation than yours, I mean, you and I are in the same generation, but, just think that through. Don't just look for people who look like you and who vote like you and who think like you do. Stretch out and make a difference. The Great Commission says go to Samaria, go to Judea, right? I think  the Great Commission applies to those of us in friendship and connection as well is get out of your comfort zone. It's not just about you, right? 'Can I bring you a meal? Can I help you baby hang out with your kids one night so that you're not alone? Can I make killer microwave popcorn would love to bring that to you.' Whatever the thing is, make it simple. It does not have to be difficult, but make it about connection and pour into others. And, I keep going back to the Bible because it's such a beautiful love note of connection, but the Proverbs tells us that those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. And I don't know about you, but I could always use refreshment. And so, I think that that's, that's such an important thing when we make it about other people. I don't know how the, how the heavenly math works, but it works out when we make it about other people that somehow we  reap the best blessings for sure. 

Dr. Vickie: Well that is so incredibly rich and I have not yet got to experience sitting in the audience with you on the stage but I hope that that is something that happens in the future.  I would love to get you booked to speak in my town and at my church and for anyone that's interested in having you as a speaker they can visit your website and there's a link in the show notes.  

Amberly: Absolutely. I would super love that. And if you end up booking me, those of you who are listening, if you book me, just say that Dr. Vickie sent you and I will give you the friends and family discount.   I love it.

Dr. Vickie: Do you have any last words of wisdom for our listeners?  

Amberly: My family was watching the chosen this week, and I know that there's some people that they're not chosen fans, and that's okay. But, they took some creative license that I thought was so brilliant, which is when Jesus was preaching in order for all the crowds to be able to hear. He would say something and his disciples would just repeat the truth to so that everybody could hear. For those who are struggling with loneliness, I just want to encourage them. Just continue to speak truth to repeat the truth. You know, right? You don't have to create your own truth, repeat the truth, to not only those in your that come into your sphere of influence, but also to the person in the mirror and remind yourself  you are loved. You are chosen. You are  beloved. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And when you begin to do that, I can tell you people love to be encouraged. And when you repeat the truth that you know to those around you, I promise it will have an effect and you will make a difference. And that dissipates a lot of loneliness. So please continue to spread the truth and love people well.

Dr. Vickie:  I think my oxytocin levels just went up so high. Thank you for that. And yes, we are very much chosen fans in this family, and they do take some creative license, but they also just make it real.

Amberly: Agreed. We watched the episode with Peter walking on water and him holding onto Jesus. And I know that those are actors. I know they were reading a script, but I just found myself wrapping my arms around Jesus thinking, don't let go, you know, so great. So I'm with you. I'm a huge fan, but, thankful for that. Again, they're just repeating the truth that they know. And, I think it makes a difference.

So thank you so much for this. Thank you for your podcast. I'm just going to say, I know it takes time. I know it takes effort, and I know this is a passion area of yours, but you have spoken truth and echoed that. And I just want to say thank you so much from a listener who's crazy about you.

Dr. Vickie: Well, thank you so much for sharing your expertise on connection with us. This has been just great. Love you..

Amerly: My pleasure. I love you right back. Have a great day. 

 

Dr. Vickie: Wow, this was such a great episode. It's just gold, and I know that Amberly said I was going to share some medical information with you. But, you know what? I just want to let this sit right where it is, because I think this is an episode you're going to want to listen to over and over again. Maybe you want to go and read the transcript, and I think you'll want to share it with a friend.

And if you don't have a friend, maybe this is a good way to  start a conversation. I love it when you share the podcast episodes and I know that this one in particular will give you some practical information on sharing connections with others. And I will put an episode to my previous podcast on loneliness in the show notes so that you can get that medical information.

But I think this is just powerful all by itself.

   

   The information contained in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered to be a substitute for medical advice. You should continue to follow up with your physician or health care provider and take medication as prescribed. Though the information in this podcast is evidence based, new research may develop and recommendations may change.

 

RESOURCES :

AMBERLY NEESE

The Deadly Epidemic of Loneliness

From Loneliness to Belonging

The Bible is Funny card game