Learning To Make Peace With Loss👍🤍😌🤍👍

 

I don't really know, who would be OK, when reality finally hits you...

For the mere 1% of the public, in my opinion, that exists. Those whom tried, but were unsuccessful, in great attempts to have children.

 When I married this last time... I married two..

 That included, becoming a stepmother. Becoming a stepmother that includes, many milestones that you'll experience with someone who has a young child. Those milestones, included watching my stepson graduate from high school. Watching him get married. And lastly, becoming a grandmother one day. Those are milestones, that I planned on celebrating with him. 

 What I have come to realize is that, I have been cheated out of every single, last milestone. Once in a lifetime memories, that I will not be a part of. When you're cheated out of special events and finally becoming a parent... regardless even becoming a step parent...  I don't know anyone who could sit back and not be damn right angry. 

The facts and truth of the matter is...

 I made critical decisions, with a child psychologist, when I became very seriously ill with an ovarian tumor that had years to grow. I spent almost a year begging and pleading for someone to take my case because I was slowly becoming extremely ill and I could feel my body begin shutting down. I got that answer, when I met a professor in the State of Ohio who realized it wasn't just a tumor. I had advanced ovarian cancer. 2 days later.. I was whisked away to a large oncology group. In less than a week... I began advanced fast track treatments. I maxed out all treatment options, over the past six years. Not one single treatment successfully gave me any type of miraculous cure... but only slowed as much as it could the progression of the tumor. Then secondary lesions started to appear on scans and smaller new growths on other organs. 

What I am experiencing now, emotionally, is downright anger. Anger towards a spouse, who promised me, he'd never leave my side or let me die alone. You left someone, that you knew was battling something greater then I could handle... my health. You also knew, my struggles to have children throughout my lifetime. You took away those once in a lifetime memories and milestones of celebrating with my stepson. You took that right away from me because you weren't interested in getting therapy, help for demons you were fighting. Demons that were there, long before I met you. You instead were caught googling how to not be a spouse or caregiver. You already weren't either of the two.

For that... I'm damn right angry at you and my right to realize those milestones with my stepson. And not be treated as I am now... like a 90 year old woman abandoned in a nursing home, left to die alone. 

 I wouldn't expect to feel like myself now, due to what my therapist expresses to me, "Great losses of lifetime memories."

I don't know who the hell wouldn't be angry, to be quite frank and honest. And unless you're in my shoes... right now. Don't anyone try to feed me some bogus lies by saying, you understand how I feel. Or... judge me on how I feel now, because I have every right to how I feel. 

 I've had to contact an attorney yesterday and make changes in my final will. I have had to sit down and write my own obituary. All because in fear, somewhat would write it for me that is estranged and no longer knows me. Let's face it, we haven't seen each other and we haven't known each other, for some... in over a decade. You don't know me anymore... and I don't know you. So, you can't possibly write an obituary for someone, you no longer know... me. 

 It's been tough as hell, working through new emotions and a lot of swift reality. Per my therapist, I have placed in the back of my mind and in fear of one day... I will have to address it straight forward. I am addressing all of those losses, great losses of life... but most importantly the opportunity to be a mother. I don't care if it's being a stepmother. The title means nothing to me, because I know I always put my stepson first while making tough decisions over the years. Decisions that also protected him from seeing me sick, going through treatments and not feeling like myself. Hello folks! Cancer changes people, but it's never any excuse to abandon and omit the patient. I also shielded my stepson, from dysfunction among both sides of the family. I vowed to allow him, to live a normal life, as much as possible. The ability to enjoy being a kid... now a teenager. As I sit and write this... I can now say, I did my best. With no regrets. 

Don't expect the same person... because I'm not the same person. I am entitled, to how I feel. I am entitled, to my emotions and I'm entitled to face reality of changes. Changes that I didn't ask for in my life. But that, were made for me. Some... I had to suck it up, and except. 

 For anyone, who wasn't there emotionally. For anyone, who wasn't there supporting me unconditionally.. I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to be there for you... because I can't. Anyone, who said or showed me by your actions, lack of... you couldn't handle, being of emotional support throughout the years. I am sorry, but I can't be there for you emotionally either. Why you may ask? Because I've learned that relations, are a two-way street... regardless of what kind of relationship it may be in your life. 

The changes, and far-too-many changes, that I have gone through throughout my life... have forever changed me. Most for the better, and some for the worse. 

But one thing is true...

I will always remain that genuine, raw, up-front and in your face, kind of person. That's your decision, whether you like me or not. In the end, it won't matter either way. What matters in the end, is self respect and self love. Acceptance of oneself... no matter how flawed. 

Take it or leave it... this is me. 

♡~Kimberly

Gastroparesis Awareness Campaign Org.

Founder

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Free Yourself...My Journey

Podcast/Entertainment Channel Owner

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Free Yourself...My Journey

freeyourselfmyjourney@yahoo.com