Ep 8 | 5 Ways to Deal with Guilt Trips from Family and Friends After Going No Contact with a Narcissist

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Hey Queens!

One of the most difficult (and somewhat unexpected) things about going no contact with a narcissist is the others that they pull in to guilt trip you! In today's episode I will talk about the ways to deal with this triangulation.  It isn't your fault, and just because others join in on the blame game, doesn't make it the truth. You know your truth, queen! 

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00)
Hello, hello. Today we are going to talk about something that is not talked about so much in regards to dealing with narcissism. As if the wrath of the narcissist after you cut them off is not enough, the guilt others may place on you can be devastating. In today's episode, I will discuss ways to help deal with those guilt trips because ain't nobody got time for that.

Speaker 1: (00:27)
Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL call. I would love to help you.

Speaker 1: (01:37)
When I disconnected from the narcissist in my life, other family members came at me telling me I was ruining the family. I did question myself but knew logically. Of course, the person who actually ruined the family was the one who was, I don't know, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Not me. But when you have gone through narcissistic abuse, your mind has been so tattered and twisted and messed up that you go back and forth believing the truth and the narcissist truth. Those are two different things. Spoiler alert. So guilt trips can absolutely work on you. You're an easy target for guilt trips. But I got therapy, which I highly recommend and I worked through that fake news story and created some solid ways to temper the guilt trips. So let's dig into the five ways to deal with it, to navigate all of the lovely guilt trips that may be coming your way.

Speaker 1: (02:33)
Alright, number one, have a short and simple phrase for when anyone comes at you with. Mine was because I don't mince words. That's. This other person is abusive and that is not my fault. You can do your own lovely little version of it. You don't have to have a curse word in there. I highly recommend it. I love a good and just make it short and simple and always go back to that and repeat it. That is is your, you don't get emotional, you don't fluff away with other words or well, this and that. No, just stick to the basics. Did I mess that up sometimes? Yeah, I'm human. Did I give myself grace? Yes, we need a lot of grace. Okay, number two, hang up, hang up the phone, walk away, leave. Get away from anyone trying to place blame on you for not tolerating abuse cuz that's what it is.

Speaker 1: (03:26)
I want you to let that sink in. We're actually gonna repeat it. I'm a good repeater. I'm like a parrot. Do not stick around anyone that is placing blame on you for not tolerating abuse. That's what it comes down to. Don't let them twist it into something. It's not. It's plain and simple. You decided to protect your peace. You walked away. You're not tolerating abuse that is healthy. You are the healthy one. Remember that? So you have full permission to say, I'm, I've gotta go. You can be polite about it or you don't have to be polite about it. They're not being polite to you. You can hang up the phone. You can say in a nice language, Hey, I've gotta run. Catch you later when you're not guilt tripping me. Hang up, walk away. Always be in a place. If you know these people are guilt tripper types, make sure when you're with them you have a way to get out without you know their car.

Speaker 1: (04:17)
Like you have your own car or whatever it is. Set your situations up and it might sound like that's a lot of planning. You'll get used to it. You know who you can trust and who you can or who you feel comfortable around in these situations as you navigate getting out of a narcissistic situation, always have a plan to get out because it can get uncomfortable. And then you have the control and can leave if you need to leave, if it's on the phone, that's an easy hangup button, but don't tolerate it. Okay, number three, ask them not to mention said person's name anymore. I did this in my life. I will say it's something I'm still navigating, um, still dealing with. I still have my moments where I take the bait. We're human so I want you to give yourself grace in this. But it is a very good habit to develop to not have their name mentioned and talked about if possible.

Speaker 1: (05:06)
I know with co-parenting that's trickier, but if there's someone in your life that you have been able to fully disconnect from, you can ask anyone that may be related or you have mutual friends, just I'd prefer if you don't talk about them in my presence, I'm, you know, I'm trying to heal and move on. It can bring it back up and I just like to avoid it. And you can mention that it will benefit both of you or all of you. If there's more than one, this will benefit everybody because it will keep the drama at bay and keep the peace. Number four, get support. A therapist, a life coach like me. Someone who truly understands narcissism. That is the important part. There are many people who do not get it. So shop around. It's like dating. Find somebody who truly gets it. I, I literally asked my therapist, have you been through narcissistic abuse?

Speaker 1: (06:01)
She opened up and told me she did. She told me a little of her experience. So I felt like okay, she's been through it. She knows how to navigate better than somebody who hasn't. Life experience is a thing. I believe it can go further than words in a book that people study. I respect that. I think it's great. The combination is the best way you can heal is if you have somebody who has the education and has also been through the experience. So getting support is huge. You're going to need it if you have someone coming at you guilt tripping you on the heels of disconnecting from a narcissist where you have the wrath of that narcissist and you're in a vulnerable space, you are going to need support again, always in the show notes is the phone number for the domestic abuse hotline where you can call them even if you don't have physical abuse going on.

Speaker 1: (06:49)
I wanna reiterate that you can call them for support and get counseling, all of that good stuff. So check that out in the show notes. Number five, expect it to continue. This is not the fun part. I shouldn't have ended on this. The narcissist will keep triangulating and that's when they bring someone else in to kind of do their dirty work or um, you know, cause problems basically and bugging that person or people which causes them to try to make you fix things, right? Them as in the people they're triangulating, then they will try to get you to fix the situation or make it better because they're getting it on their end from the narcissist. They are usually very fearful of the narcissist as many are. So instead of asking the narcissist to drop it or going against the narcissist, they will continue to guilt trip you to reconnect with the narcissist.

Speaker 1: (07:39)
So trying to get you to reconnect so that they can get rid of the narcissist pressure on them. Tough. Protect your peace people, okay? This is not okay. This is what the narcissist sets up on purpose to triangulate to try to cause more problems. And you have to just know this is going to happen and I've gotta be strong and do those other four things to get through it. So you have to set boundaries with these people in your life that give you guilt trips. There's no other way around that You're going to have to, in some cases you may have to disconnect from them if they will not leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, when someone's in the web of a narcissist, you know how it is. You've been through it, you know it's hard to get out of. And I at times have compassion for these people because I know what it's like to be under the thumb of a narcissist.

Speaker 1: (08:32)
It's not easy and you're scared of them. Maybe you're terrified of them, but I'm gonna tell you that is not your. You need to heal you and protect your peace. You can always give advice. I always say give advice once, right? So you can give your advice to these people but their is not your. And if they're on you and making you feel guilty and they're not stopping when you're asking them to, then you can can absolutely remove yourself or you know, make a dis more of a distant relationship with that person. Whatever you have to do to protect your peace, your peace is really important. As much stuff as I've gone through, I am the most at peace and happiest I've ever been in my life. And I would not be here without setting very strong boundaries that were very hard not just to set but to keep.

Speaker 1: (09:19)
Because people don't always make it easy, especially if a narcissist is involved because they're in the web of the narcissist and they're under their trance, they're under their spell and it can make for a lot of difficulty. But I am here to tell you there is hope and some of these people will absolutely respect your wishes if they value your relationship enough, right? So you have to, like I said, have a short phrase so you can just shut it down. That's. They're an abuser, not my fault. Okay? Hang up, leave the situation. If they're trying to guilt trip you just get out, get away from it. Three, ask them not to mention their name anymore that it will benefit you both and getting that support and then expecting it. And I don't say that to to be like womp womp expect it, but I think it helps us kind of just set the expectations and like, okay, this is gonna happen but I can handle it and everything's gonna be okay.

Speaker 1: (10:15)
I got this, you got this queen, right? You deserve to not be guilt tripped. You don't deserve that. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault and I want you to really, really hear that and feel validated because we do not get validated that it's not our fault. So this is a safe place where I see you and I know what you're going through and you're going to be okay and you have to keep believing it's not your fault. And don't get sucked into the guilt trips, okay? You are a queen bee, so don't forget that queen bees not your fault. Something else might be your fault. , I got, I got my own share of fault, right? We all got faults, we all have stuff we've done. We're not perfect. But someone being abusive to you is never ever your fault. You not tolerating it.

Speaker 1: (11:07)
You aren't breaking up a family that's not of your doing, that's you saying, I'm not dealing with this anymore and I'm walking away. And that's strength and that's beautiful and I love you for it. I'm proud of you and as always, smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over athttps://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.