Relationship skills: Couples counselor Terry Real on building a lasting partnership

After 30 years of experience counseling couples, therapist Terry Real reflects on what makes building a long-term relationship difficult and the skills needed to keep a partnership intact. Reals says that even with changing dynamics and non-traditional partnerships, the age-old problems still exist.

“Despite all of the gender fluidity and all of the experimentation, a two-person paired-for-life, monogamous core, is still alive and well and extremely difficult.”

The pressure is on to find that “perfect” someone, yet, despite the romantic “idealization” of coupledom, promoted by a booming dating and marriage industry, the reality is that most couples won’t last a decade together, much less a lifetime. The US Census Bureau reports that most marriages last on average 8 years. Real says the odds in the U.S. are that roughly 50% of all marriages will end in divorce -  “the failure rate on marriage has hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.”

The reason, Real explains, is that “we want to be lifelong lovers; we want long walks on the beach, we want heart-to-heart talks, great sex in our 60s and 70s but we don't have the skills to match this new ambition. We are trying to be lifelong lovers in a culture that does not cherish relationships.” We live in a society, Real argues, that asserts individualism. “We don't teach our sons and daughters and non-binary kids how to fight fair, how to stand up for yourself in a loving way. We don't teach the basic skills of relationships in this culture because we don't value it.”

So what are the chances a couple has to beat the odds?  What’s the key to staying together? According to Real, it’s “hard work” and “it’s very rare that people have the discipline.” Relationship skills need to be learned and practiced. Real suggests that “basic relationship skills [be] taught in elementary and junior high.”

Real, who’s also the founder of the Relationship Life Institute and author of numerous books including most recently Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, talks specifically about the impact of inherited family pathologies. He advises the reopening of childhood trauma to heal old wounds; 

“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children.”

In his book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, author Terrance Real says “we don't teach the basic skills of relationship in this culture because we don't value it. We're supposed to just know how to do it and most long-term relationships crash and burn. The failure rate on marriage has  hovered at about 40-50% for half a century.”

Terry Real, pictured here, says “ you can have a superlative relationship if you're with a partner you love who is also in on the game and willing to do the work themselves. If both of you are willing to do that and you have the basic chemistry that drew you to each other to begin with,you can do it. But it's very rare that people have the discipline and the know-how to build it all.” Photo courtesy of Terrance Real at The Relational Life Institute

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