EP 44: Criticism

In this episode of Relatable, we continue to follow this fictional couple Amy and James as they uncover different protective moves that they use. Today we dive into criticism within personal and relational contexts, particularly in couples. We discuss how criticism can stem from a strong inner critic that drives productivity and self-management, and how this can spill over into relationships, often with negative consequences. Through therapeutic insights, we unpack why criticism is often used as a misguided attempt to motivate others or protect ourselves from external judgment. We also examine the differences between criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, and discuss practical strategies to transform critical language into more vulnerable, constructive communication.

 

Key Discussion Points:

The Inner Critic: Many individuals possess an internal voice that critiques them to push for productivity and avoid perceived laziness, however in relationships, this inner critic can manifest as external criticism towards a partner, with the mistaken belief that it will motivate change. Criticism often stems from a desire to control one’s environment before others have a chance to criticize. For example: Someone keeping things organized to avoid being called lazy or unorganized by someone else. Because we are all unique with different nervous systems and the way we process the world, the way we criticize ourselves may not work effectively with our partners.

Motivation Behind Criticism: Some people can confuse criticism and righteousness, as they may show up similarly, however there is a deeper difference between the two. Amy, from the vignette, feels burdened by responsibilities in her relationship and uses criticism to express her frustration rather than communicating her vulnerability. Criticism often masks a deeper desire for change or acknowledgment. In couples, it’s not necessarily about being right but about wanting to be seen, understood, and loved differently. Behind every criticism there is a request. Can you think of a time where you were wanting to ask your partner or someone else for something that you needed (help, validation, tidiness, etc.), but it came out as criticism (“I have so many things going on, and you never seem to help”, or “I am always the one to pick up after the kids or keep the house clean”)?

Reworking Critical Language to Vulnerability: To avoid being critical it is important to catch when you are feeling this way, and express the needs/requests you have in a vulnerable way. In the vignette we heard Amy complain to the therapist that James never calls his parents first or has his family involved in their lives. At this moment, Amy feels unsupported, and is criticizing how James communicates (or doesn’t) with his parents. Amy should rework her statement to shift to vulnerability and communicate what it is like to be her, and her underlying request.

Overall, we hope listeners are able to hear how criticism shows up in relationships, why we use this strategy and the impact that it has on the people around us even though we hope that it doesn’t land that way. Colter, Lauren and Cayla show you how to recognize when you are being more critical and how to do it differently. Protective strategies are things that we have learned and used for a long time, and it's hard to drop them. Their goal with these groups of episodes is to move into some understanding and clarity to access more vulnerability and connection in our lives.