Episode 4: Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Can you identify when these past wounds get triggered in a present interaction and the tie it back to something that happened in your past. This process happens in an order and needs to go slow. Don’t try to jump to the healing, if you can’t identify what is going on and what it is tied to. The good news is that we get to be the person who shows up in our partner’s pain and provide a secure attachment where healing can happen.
Once you’ve identified a “Raw Spot” or past wound that is showing up and influencing an reaction in your present, it doesn’t mean you never get triggered again, it only means that you’ve clarified what is happening and you can articulate it, share it with your partner and also get a response that has the potential to adjust your response.
Minutes 5-10:
You have to start with the questions; Do you want to change this? And are you ready to work on this right now? You have options and you get to decide if and when you want to engage this. What do you want to do with some of these responses that are emended in past wounds? If you want to change or adjust or at the very least, identify what is happening, then there is work to be done.
You have to be able to 1) Notice what is happening to me, 2) I know the story around the event or events that shaped the response, 3) I know where it came from and can feel the feelings associated with this trigger- I can identify the ingredients of the soup. Then I want to be able to do something different than the move that I have done in the past. You have to be able to recognize that I don’t like my move in this place, and I want to do some work so I can change my response. It’s vulnerable to do this.
The goal isn’t to get rid of all of these traits, but to have awareness and know what is happening and invite my partner into it so we can have a strategy around adjusting the response.
Minutes 10-15:
Chad tells a story about his heater going out in the middle of winter when he lived in Michigan in his 20s. The story he tells is about the messages that were reinforced around fixing things and how it is a benefit. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that he has a response to broken things that he should try to fix them. However, he recently had a more negative response around something that wasn’t getting fixed and was out of his control. This past winter, the heater broke and Chad new what the problem was, but the part was on back-order with supply chain issues with not target date to resolve the issue.
When Angela asked Chad, “when is the heater going to get fixed?” It didn’t’ land like a question, it landed like an accusation that Chad was failing. They had to discuss the process and unpack the deeper messages that were influencing Chad’s response.
Minutes 15-20:
Angela’s response wasn’t great at first. At first she tried to talk him out of the feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel this way.” But then, she adjusted- and tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault and she could see it.
The person who gets triggered, has to be able to do the work- and the work is- self-reflection. This is what just happened to me and this is the trigger and the meaning I’ve assigned to it. Then, that person has to choose to let their partner it, then the partner has to responds in a way that is accepting and supportive.
Your response is valid- and it’s unfair that you have that experience and now your body responds in a negative way around that content, but it’s ok- we’re going to work through this together. We have a different dialogue around what is happening in those triggering moments.
Connect Point:
We want to you take some time and ask yourself- what is an area that I can acknowledge comes from my past, that can show up like a benefit to us most of the time, but that I can sometimes have a undesired response around. See if you can identify the good and the bad of it and share it with your partner.
For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
