An Adventure into Accident

AN ADVENTURE INTO ACCIDENT

While many people have accidents, most people are fortunate to have these inconveniences limited to a few during their lifetimes. Some accidents are so big they end a life. My problem is that my life has become an aggregation of accidental slips, falls and mishaps that have massed into an incredible list of near misses. But wait - isn't a near miss a hit? I think that's what you would call my chronicle of misadventures into the self-administered accident.

Mostly hits, with a few misses. Most of the accidents I have been involved in are my fault. I've never had another car run into me, a person knock me down while hurrying to a plane, or even been the victim of a stray bullet.

I take that back. I was the target of an arrow once, and when it hit me right next to my eye, I bled a little. I made the mistake of telling my mother, who immediately decided I needed the dreaded tetanus shot. I have had a few of these shots since then, but if you have never had one of these, it is much like getting a shot of peanut butter through a giant hypodermic needle. It hurts like crazy and makes a painful mound that takes a while to subside.

The bad news is that you only need a tetanus shot, according to what I have heard, if you have in fact had your skin penetrated by metal - like a rusty nail. I forgot to tell my mom that it was only a wooden arrow until we were on the way home. I don't know if she was madder than I was. She had spent money she probably didn't need to, but I had a sore butt and eye.

I have also been the victim of an errant snowboard. The guy crashed into me so hard it knocked me out of my skis. People stopped to see if I was dead, but I only mumbled I would be bruised. He shouted back at me as he careened down the mountain, “Sorry man, I can’t carve!”

This chronicle of pain focuses mostly on the mistakes and missteps I have made, but I've also included some of the adventures of my family. I think now that I've got grownup children I would rather the pain and suffering occur to me, but why does there have to be so much pain and suffering? I guess it's better me than them, but if you stop to chronicle your accidents and mishaps, I hope it's a few less than the 50 I will be discussing.

That's right. Fifty.

When I started the list, I was surprised at how fast the list of my tales of misadventures grew into many pages. I was overwhelmed at thinking of the pains and stresses I have survived. Now that I'm over fifty years old, it seems I have had an adventure for every year I've lived.

Maybe writing those down will end the run. And I'll include some of the other good experiences I've survived, too.

You may have heard of the Darwin awards. It's a collection of people ending their lives in stupid ways which also ends their ability to keep reproducing. This cuts down on inherited stupidity, but that doesn't help in my case. I've already reproduced. Maybe I'm going to be up for one of those awards someday, and as you hear about these mishaps, you'll wonder how it is I have survived as long as I have.

If I do end my life in some spectacularly stupid fashion (which seems more likely to me the more I write about these adventures), I only ask that someone would take the time to change the name of the award.

It could be called the Danewin Award.

This topic could be required reading as a precautionary tale about stupidity and a genuine lack of brains (more about that later). If I win, that's means I'll no longer be around to suggest the change, but maybe you could suggest that they change it to the Danewon Awards. I think you get the idea. These tales are way too much about me, and very little about the other important people in my life. But at least most of the damage happened to me and not them.

You can also sit back and say to yourself that at least none of this ever happened to you. Or if you have had similar adventures, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you are not the only one on the planet who survives despite your own best efforts.

Maybe you were the guy on the snowboard who couldn’t carve. At least we’ve already bumped into one another.

Let the adventure begin.

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