Wandering in Diapers

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Dane Allred’s World of Hurt

WANDERING IN DIAPERS

The earliest example I know of some accidental encounters is when I was very young, and after dumping cereal all over the kitchen floor, apparently I liked to wander out the door. Then I would wander in the fields next to our home. I'm not sure how my parents found me in the tall weeds, but I guess I always made it back.

One of my earliest adventure occurred after Tommy Green and I had stolen some eggs from my Grandpa Allred's chicken coop. They were in the coat pockets of my brand new winter coat. We decided to go to the teeter totter next, and then Tommy Green helped me understand how truly flexible I really am.

He jumped off the teeter totter while I was at the top on the other side. I crashed to the ground in a heap, landing butt first. I rolled over on my side in pain, but there was no permanent damage. At least to me.

The eggs in my pockets became a gooey mess and I did my best to squeeze out all of the runny eggs and shells. I was only four years old, and didn't do a very good job. The coat smelled like eggs for the rest of the winter, and every so often I would reach in my pocket and find another piece of egg shell.

I was too petrified to tell my mother I had been stealing eggs. I was way too petrified to tell her I had ruined my brand new coat.

So I endured the inconvenience for the winter.

When I heard my grandfather was dying, I took two eggs and blew out the insides. My daughters were young, and I had them write a nice message on the eggs.

When I visited him later in the hospital, I related the tale for the first time to anyone - to my grandfather. He just laughed and looked at the hollow eggs. It was the last time I saw him alive, and it is still a sweet memory to me.

I remember asking him at the hospital if he needed anything. He asked me if I would loan him five dollars. I told him I was short on cash and we both laughed.

While still in diapers I ate half a beetle once. At least my mother said she found a half-beetle in my hand. And speaking of insects, we used to have a deep freeze in the garage where the ice cream was stored. I used to get a glass and a spoon and scoop the ice cream in the garage. Then it was back into the house for some milk and mix up the two for an instant milkshake.

I was probably nine or ten. I sat in the front room watching TV in the darkness, and then felt it. It seemed like there was a piece of cardboard in my mouth, maybe from the ice cream container? I reached into my mouth and pulled it out. It wriggled. In my fingers, and moments before in my mouth, was an earwig. As I realized what it was, I threw it across the room, and then, immediately went over where I had thrown it, just to make sure what I had seen. I didn't find it, but I know what I had seen, and felt in my mouth.

I didn't have milkshakes for a while.

I have had food poisoning a few times, and it usually ends up from eating some potluck. I think the training for this kind of food abuse came from when I used to help my Dad cut pine poles in the mountains. Mom would send us with baloney sandwiches which would sit in the cab of the truck all morning heating up in the sun.

By the time we usually got around to eating them the bologna was warm and the mayonnaise was hot. I know that the bacteria count was in the millions, because I usually was sick the next day. At least I got to know what food poisoning feels like.

For those who haven't experienced this rare treat, wait until you hear a statistic. Studies have shown that most of us get food poisoning at least once a year, and we think it is the 24-hour flu. All I know is that the last time I had food poisoning, I was so sick I threw up seven or eight times before I was through. It all took place during one day, and after a couple of days I was feeling fine. It's the kind of cleaning out most of us never want to experience again - until our next pot luck.

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