71 - Bigger and Blacker (feat. Joseph ”2012” Kony)

www.goodluckgabe.life

Looking forward to looking back at my podcasting days with great fondness

 

I'm straight but.

Man, I just wish I had a gay friend. We could chat, relax, kiss, have sex, engage in a casual no strings attached relationship, eventually develop emotional bonds, start to date like normal people, watch all the corny movies, eventually we'll get a dog and a cat, I'll propose, small spring wedding (because we don't want to make a fuss), buy a nice house by the National Park, adopt two children, send them to a nice school, one learns violin, the other learns the drums, we go to the lake for the holidays every single year, eventually the older of the two children begins to lose interest in our yearly trips to the lake, asks to not go one year, I refuse but my husband changes my mind, teenager gets drunk at a friends party, the rest of the family returns from holiday and sees teenager drunk and crying, does inspirational parenting speech with countless examples of me making horrible mistakes, hugs, both children graduate Highschool, one studies music (violin), the other studies business, husband and I retire, we both move to a small cottage with a large back yard, take up gardening as a hobby, I feint one day and collapse in the garden, goes to emergency room, diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, two months to live, every day husband visits, we watch all the corny movies together, we go on a final trip to the lake, return to the hospice nearing the end, I lay down holding my husbands hand, final breath leaves my body with love on my mind, love for you. Wait, what?

 

I have a huge thing for girls with penises and I don't know if that makes me gay

Recently I have discovered a great love for trans women/femboys and I am very confused about it. For a long time I have thought I was straight, no matter how much my piers said otherwise. But after discovering a sudden love for cock I don't know if I am. So far its only feminine people with cocks that I have found attractive but if I like dick so much doesn't that make me gay anyway? I don't want to tell anyone about it because I know that if I do and it gets out it will just become another running joke. So I want to know all of you guys opinions, does liking cock make you gay or does it specifically have to be a mans cock for it to be gay? I just want answers so that I at least know somewhere I can align myself.

 

I wish I could have just one fart, and then never fart again.

Granted.

You wake up tomorrow as you normally do.

After you eat breakfast, a hearty serving of beans no less, you feel a bit bloated.

"Ah!" You exclaim. "This is it, the fart to end all farts." But it didn't happen.

You go on your day, still feeling like you need to fart. But it doesn't phase you, because that kind of fart must take some time to reach fruition.

Days go by, every day you feel worse. You go see a doctor who procedes to inspect your precious anus. He tells you everything is fine, so you leave, hoping that the Great Flatulence will come.

3 weeks have gone by and every time you move your body it feels as if a knife has been stabbed right into your bowels. You go to the doctor again. The doctor inspects your anus as you scream in pain. He finds nothing wrong.

You are rushed to the E.R. to be looked at by specialists. For days, filled with an agonizing pressure in your gut, you go through more and more invasive tests. The only relief you get is when they perform exploratory surgery, as you are put under by drugs.

After a week in the hospital, you haven't slept. People die without sleep, but your wish hasn't been granted. The Monkey's Paw hasn't completed your wish, so it keeps you alive. Just enough to feel the crippling pain from a build up of hidden pressure in your bowels.

Because you haven't slept in a week, you become delirious. You spout on about a Monkey's Paw that you wished to let you fart.

Your wife sits at your bed. She didn't bring the kids because she didn't want them to see you like this. You yell at her, berate her. You're delerious and hallucinating after all, and no one seems to understand what you're trying to say. They think you're crazy.

The doctors put you on some sedatives and anti-psychotics. You have calmed down from your incessant rambling. Your wife isn't sure how long this calmed mental state will last, so she brings in your kids. Your beautiful kids. There's Milo, who has just turned 4. You weren't there for his birthday the day before because you were in the hospital, so he won't even look at you. And Abby, your newborn baby. Your wife has had to take care of the kids since you've been in the hospital, while working 2 jobs because of your hospital bills.

Your wife, Elizabeth, sits at your bed side and tells you that it's all in your head, you just need to calm down. You slap her so hard she falls off the hospital bed, dropping Abby onto the hard floor. Abby's blood is everywhere, Elizabeth is crying and your son, Milo, is screaming because he doesn't know what's going on. Security rushes in and doctors come to sedate you.

You're put into a medically induced coma for an indefinite amount of time. For years you lie in that hospital bed, forgotten by hospital staff, experiencing horrific nightmares where all you can feel is pain, suffering, and a pressure in your bowels so intense you just want it to end. You're not concious in your dreams, but the only thing you do know for sure is that you want to die.

Your wife all the while struggles to pay your hospital bills, works 3 jobs now, and takes care of Milo. She can't pay your hospital bills anymore, but her love for you still holds. She can't bring herself to let you go. After 5 hard years, and being unable to accept the death of her baby, she draws a bath, and slits her neck. Your son, Milo, now just 9 years old, finds her in the bath tub, lifeless. For the next 35 years he is plagued by a horrible childhood that he can't seem to overcome. He lives a sedentary life style, can't hold a job more than a couple weeks, and eventually dies when he doesn't have any more money to fuel his unstable alcohol addiction, lost to alcohol withdrawal.

You wake up one day, 40 years after they put you under, and as your eyes squint open trying to make sense of the world around you, you realize that you don't hurt. You feel just fine actually. But where did the hospital go? You lie wearing a dirty, worn hospital gown. Looking up at the blackened sky you decide to get up to get your bearings. As you get up you hear a creak and a snap. Your bones have become so weak that your leg has broken. Now, in agonizing pain, you realize where you are. You sit in a large crater, rubble and smoke all around you. You must get a view outside the crater. As you struggle to drag your body out of this 100 ft wide, 20 ft deep pit, you feel bones snap, your muscles shake as they struggle to move your body, they have atrophied beyond repair.

In immense pain, you reach the edge, and look out over the town you once called home. The town you met Elizabeth in. The town you first kissed her. The town you first discovered what it meant to love; what it meant to feel happy.

What's left of the buildings around you is that of coals and charred remains. Nothing is left. There is no life here, no love, no animals or plants to be seen. You spend the next hour crying a cry that could be heard for miles if there wasn't so much ash in the air.

After 40 years the pressure in your bowels built to such an enormous measure, that when it escaped your asshole, it filled the entire city with a cloud of inescapable, foul gas. Most people suffocated from lack of oxygen, dying a horrible death. The gas exploded when a nearby train incoming from another city activated its brakes when the conductor saw all the people running from the city. The sparks from his wheels screeching on the tracks lit the gas cloud, and the entire city went up in flames. Whoever had survived the gas so far now died from the flames that lept through the sky.

Because you couldn't be happy with just farting here and there, 152,000 people are dead. You die of internal bleeding because your broken bones pierced an artery. The last image in your head is that of the Monkey's Paw. It seems to laugh at you.