Elves - My grandpa is Heinrich Himmler? And he’s my dad? And I’m Rosemary? And I’m going to prison? Xmas sucks, dude.

It's really no wonder the Nazis lost the war. They are just too stupid. Antichristmas!

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a department store Santa got tangled up in a Nazi plot involving an evil elf, virgin sacrifice, and the Fourth Reich, then boy, do I have the movie for you. Elves (1989) isn’t just a bad movie—it’s a certifiable fever dream of absurdity, incompetence, and the kind of misguided ambition that makes it impossible to look away. Strap in, folks, because this isn’t your average Christmas horror flick; it’s a trainwreck wrapped in tinsel and doused in eggnog-flavored LSD.

The Elf: Discount Gremlin in the Clearance Bin

Let’s start with the titular "elf." If you’re expecting some sinister, well-designed creature, think again. The elf in Elves looks like it was cobbled together with paper mâché, a glue gun, and leftover Halloween masks from a garage sale. It’s about as mobile as a garden gnome and spends most of its time menacingly staring—or, more accurately, just sitting there while the actors pretend to be scared. This thing couldn’t terrorize a toddler, let alone usher in the apocalypse.

The Plot: A Nazi Conspiracy, But Make It Festive

You know a movie is destined for greatness when the plot hinges on Nazis breeding an elf to create the Antichrist. And the plan? Have said elf mate with a virgin before midnight on Christmas Eve. Because, of course, that’s the logical way to bring about the Fourth Reich. Never mind that this plan relies entirely on the elf being both horny and punctual. The sheer stupidity of it all is chef’s kiss. It’s like someone spun a wheel of bad ideas and just ran with everything it landed on.

The plot holes are big enough to fly a sleigh through. For instance, how is this elaborate Nazi elf scheme thwarted? Mostly by the combined incompetence of everyone involved. It’s almost laughable how easily the heroes stumble into foiling it—imagine if someone like, I don’t know, the mall cop had been paying attention. They’d have wrapped this whole thing up in ten minutes.

Dan Haggerty: Santa’s Hungover Cousin

Dan Haggerty stars as Mike, a chain-smoking ex-detective who looks like Santa’s cousin who didn’t make the Nice List. Haggerty spends the entire movie sleepwalking through his lines with the charisma of a wet sock. His delivery is so wooden it’s a miracle he doesn’t spontaneously combust near the Christmas tree. And drunk? Oh, you bet. Whether he actually was or he’s just an acting savant, there’s an undeniable “boozy uncle” energy that only adds to the film’s charm. Watching him go toe-to-toe with Nazi elves is a gift that keeps on giving.

The Scenes: Bonkers with a Bow On Top

Every scene in Elves feels like it was conceived in a vacuum of logic and coherence. Highlights include:

• A little boy staring at his sister's nude body and then getting into a tickle fight with her. Yipes!
• The icy cold mom getting electrocuted in the tub and teaching Ben Kingsley about death scenes.
• The elf randomly stabbing people, despite having no visible motor skills.
• Dan Haggerty barging into a Christmas dinner only to have the dad explain the Nazi/Virgin/Elf/Impregnate scheme in front of his family.

By the time the movie wraps up, you’ll be questioning your life choices but also kind of thankful for the chaos you just witnessed.

Final Thoughts: The Christmas Catastrophe You Didn’t Know You Needed

Elves is a rare gem that transcends badness and loops back around into brilliance. It’s not a movie; it’s an experience. From the laughable special effects to the sheer audacity of its plot, to Dan Haggerty looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, Elves is the gift that keeps on giving. Gather your friends, crack open some drinks, and bask in the glow of a movie so insane it’s practically a holiday tradition waiting to happen. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. 🎅🎁