237-How To Set Boundaries

In this episode we talk about the right way to set boundaries and how we might be doing it all wrong.  

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and I’m here today to chat about boundaries.  So many of us have this misconception that I tell you how you need to behave around me and that is setting a boundary.  For example,  I tell you “don’t yell at me”.  This is me trying to control your behavior to set a boundary for myself.  

 

Friends, we do this all the time.  And it is 100% backwards.  And we wonder why we think people do not respect our boundaries.  

 

That is not actually a boundary.  Me, telling you how I want you to behave around me is not me setting a boundary.  

 

We can’t control others’ behavior - it’s a request. 

 

I request that you not yell at me when you are angry, its’ not you can’t yell at me.  It’s what am I willing to endure.  It’s my request that you not yell at me.  

 

My boundary with myself.  What I am I going to do if this person yells at me.  I will say “hey, I am going to leave this conversation”  my personal boundary has been breached.   

 

Maybe your boundary is that you don’t want to be in a relationship with this person.  Whatever the boundary is, it’s with yourself.  You hold the boundary for yourself. 

 

The person can yell, fly off the handle and you can say.  My boundary is that I won’t engage when I feel yelled at, I am going to another room.  I am leaving the space.  I am hanging up the phone right now.  

 

Maybe you have or you want to have a boundary that you don’t engage in political conversations with certain people.  You know how they end and frankly, you’re exhausted, it doesn’t help your mental health and it’s not a productive conversation.  You set a boundary, not that they can’t bring up politics around you.  But, when they do, you firmly and calmly say, “I have a personal boundary that I won’t engage in political discussions and I feel like this comment is going down that road.  Before I regret something, I need to hang up the phone.  Good bye.”  Full stop.  

What I find is that pretty soon, those people self-regulate and that boundary is calmly and respectfully solidified between the parties.  

 

Look, this is all pie in the sky right, personalities are inconsistent and sometimes irrational, but we need something to aim for and I hope this helps you think of boundaries to support your happiness.  

 

Of course, we want to know what boundaries you are setting and how that’s going.  So let us know on social @everydayhappinesswithkatie.     

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/