80 - Catching Up (feat. Caitlyn Jenner)

I've never felt more retarded

What's the point of being so painfully self conscious if you're not gonna be equally self aware

Blow up Lancaster Pennsylvania

 

I thought my childhood giftedness was social/emotional intelligence and now i want to be a domestic terrorist

I have a strong aversion to any reference to giftedness as an educational concept because to me it just represented added pressure and unrealistic expectations from my mom and myself that set us up for failure. The culmination being the time I got caught plagiarizing and my mom sat dead silent while my gifted teach explained why plagiarism was wrong and as soon as we got in the car she exploded and drove erratically for the next 15 minutes home before collapsing on the couch and wailing about how my life was ruined and having to go into the garage to call Cindy for help because apparently I wasn't prepared for that moment at 16 despite seeing bits and pieces of moms fragility and desperation and general neuroticism up to that point. But it got real bad after that. Just constantly threatening to have me move in with dad with no explanation of what was going on or something for me to correct. Just whatever displeased her at that time. I was scared. 

 

Her kicking me out was good for me but not for the reasons she thought, I think. Otherwise I would have been scared of being cut off for the rest of my life, or at least well into my adulthood. And now I cut people off preemptively because I never want to be pushed out like that again. I do the pushing. I make the rules. Anyone who challenges me is wrong and I move on with my life immediately. I have no interest in compromise. I want to die enough as it is. I'm tired enough as it is. That is what she felt. That is what she thought. That is what she expressed through her words and actions. I was at her whim. And now I do the same to others, because I am tired. And I see no benefit in doing anything differently. I get my mom completely and now I have to cut her off. It is what she would have done. And it is for the best.

Having this shitty relationship with mom sucks cuz it's all I think about and relate to and I feel completely alone in it all the time. Everyone has moms but nobody has each other's mom except for siblings. My mom is a mom a sibling a spouse and most of all a completely insane and frighteningly unpredictable stranger who will haunt me for the rest of my life living or dead. I am so weak and I'm obsessed with my mom and the pain she's caused. It's so familiar and uncomfortable and I return to it immediately when I am challenged. I use her as an excuse to fail. I use her as an excuse to cry and weep and feel bad about myself and my life. I use her when I'm angry when I'm upset when I want to fucking die. She is every negative emotion I'm capable of feeling. And so I am reminded of her in every moment. I am emotional and it's been negative for years. Her death brings no relief, only permission to cry. Her death brings no pain, only blood pooling in my stomach.

Also I'm gay

 

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