Episode #37 - The Switch-a-roo

In today’s episode, we use a question posed to us by one of our listeners to have a discussion around what to do when your spouse seemingly pulls the old switch-a-roo and wants to make a major life change, despite previously agreeing with each other.

“Hi Destination Marriage!  My husband and I are curious to hear your thoughts regarding the situation that has us currently at an impass.  After 5 years of marriage my husband is adamant about having kids even though we both agreed prior to getting married that kids would not be part of our future.  I was very open and honest with my husband that my desire was to be a career woman and I never felt the need to have children.  He is constantly bringing up the topic and it’s causing us to argue.  I feel misled because he knew my stance on the topic and agreed prior to committing to marriage.  Where do we go from here now that we are both on completely different planets when it comes to having children?”

 

• We first discuss some general thoughts around these scenarios
  • Importance of pre-marital counseling
  • Importance of open and thoughtful communication – try to get to the bottom of what might be driving the firm stance? Fear, rejection, bad childhood?
  • When you should sacrifice and changing your stance in order to show love for your spouse
  • If you do change your stance, a commitment to not get bitter – ever!

 

 

Questions to ask???

 

• Is this simply a result of the husband changing over the last five years or did he deliberately mislead his wife in hopes that she would have a change of heart ?
• Is there really any room for compromise? This is a huge ask of the wife who clearly is career focused and could potentially have to put her career aspirations on hold. 
• Be sensitive but also highlight the very real fact that when you’re holding that baby in your arms for the first time, your entire world changes and you can’t imagine life without that baby

Other similar scenarios:

• Husband and wife both work and contribute to the household income. Wife then decides she no longer wants to work after having their first child so she can be a stay at home mom. The option of the mom remaining home to focus on caring for their child was never discussed because both husband and wife agreed the wife would remain working in order to continue having two incomes.  Now what?
• Same scenario but the husband wants his wife to stay at home and quit her 9-5 to soley focus on being a mom caring for the home. She however is excited to be a new mom but also loves working and wants to return to work which is creating an issue within the marriage.