Attention seeking behavior

Hello Torie,

I recently found your podcast; thank you for providing such great information. I want to pick your brain about parenting a child who shows more attention seeking behavior than her siblings.

My middle child (a 9 year old) is constantly pointing out how life is unfair for her and how everyone else has it better. I try my best to be as "fair" as possible to each child. I also point out how even though it seems like everyone has it better than her, she actually has a lot to be grateful for as well (which I know doesn't go over too well).  My other two kids are pretty laid back and compliant, so, in comparison, she seems more needy!

When she was younger, this would manifest as a lot of crying spells/meltdowns over seemingly insignificant things, which I know is normal, but her behavior was so unlike my other two.  She also tends to be the instigator when it comes to any sibling fights.

 

She will still say things like, "You don't love me," or "You don't care about me," and I tell her firmly that's not the case (obviously!!). One common situation is that my youngest is very attached to me and will reach for my hand when we're walking, so naturally, I oblige. But then my 9 year old will complain that I'm holding her sister's hand instead of hers.

 

In the past, I've given her more attention and tried to make her feel special, but once I take away this attention, she melts down and seems to demand even more. She responds well to time together and one-on-one attention, but even then, it has to be on her terms (I have tried to initiate on my own, and she will be indifferent at times).

How do I balance the attention she needs versus the attention that she wants?

-Grace

 

Parent Educator Answer:

This is a great question to talk about defining and accepting your child's TEMPERAMENT.  Temperament refers to the different aspects of a personality.

Grace is calling this "attention seeking behavior" but sometimes when she gives her attention, it doesn't work. What I'm hearing in this behavior is a temperament that is sensitive, dramatic, persistent, and intense.

 

The great thing about kids is that often they tell you exactly what they are thinking. Grace's daughter genuinely believes that life is unfair. She thinks, at times, she isn't loved or cared for as much as her siblings. She truly believes she is getting the short end of the stick.

 

There is nothing her mom can do about what her daughter chooses to believe. We cannot make people think differently (clearly she's tried already to convince that she is loved and treated fairly). There is no amount of attention mom can give her to make her think differently. She could spend 48 hours straight one on one time, come home, hold little sister's hand, and she'd be right back to thinking, she doesn't get enough love. So trying to get her to think differently, through words or actions, isn't going to change her.

 

When a child is intense and dramatic, we tend to see them as powerful. They seem so strong and capable, we get annoyed that they don't act differently. We tend to match their intense energy, yelling, and putting in time out. This is why I'd like to add the word "sensitive" to describe Grace's daughter's temperament.

 

She's been having meltdowns since she was little. She struggles to feel safe and loved. Her brain easily goes to a fear response. Nobody acts their best when scared. We don't know why she was made this way, it's no one's fault, the world needs all kinds of people.

 

Thinking about having a sensitive child helps us slow down, quiet our voice, lower our posture, speak softly and kindly. When her emotions overwhelm her, her brain goes into fight or flight. Our goal as parents to help her shift out of fear so she can access the logical, calmer parts of her brain. She cannot get there on her own. We don't have to agree with what she is saying to calmly validate what she is feeling. "I understand you feel like nobody loves you. You feel jealous of the attention I'm giving your sister. It's hard for you to believe that you get as much as your siblings."

 

Think about if you truly believed you weren't loved by your mom. How would you feel?  It would be so scary to be a 9 year old kid thinking your mom doesn't love you or she cares more about your siblings than you. Even though we know it's not true, she thinks, in that moment, that it is. She's terrified. So she screams, yells, and fights for love and attention.

If you were to come to her, get down on her level, touch her, use a calm voice, repeat what you hear her saying, it would calm her down. It would also make it hard for her to believe you don't love her when you are clearly making her feel seen, heard, and felt.

We cannot make our kids think differently but we can help them feel seen, heard, and felt. In a nutshell, that's all we really want.

 

Life Coaching Answer:

I remember talking with my parenting coach and having this huge a-ha. I was embarrassed because I was supposed to be this "parenting expert" and yet I was pulling my hair out with trying to understand my strong willed four year old. But I sucked it up and hired a coach and I'm so glad I did! The lightbulb went on when I realized, "It's her TEMPERAMENT".  Arguing with her temperament was like arguing with God. This is how she was wired, who am I to think she should be different than she is? From that day on, once I accepted her rebellious, strong willed, non-people-pleasing personality, life got so much easier!

 

What gets in our way when we see a difficult personality trait in our kids, is the belief that we can change them. This will exhaust and frustrate us. It's not our job to change their personality, but to work with it and appreciate them FOR their personalities. I think Grace is doing this. She sees the value in her daughter's strong will, but she's arguing thinking she "shouldn't act this way" or "If I was a more attentive mom she wouldn't behave this way." This will just anger her and make her tired.

 

Trying to control something we have no control over will drive us crazy. Personality is something we cannot control. A good question to ask yourself is: "How can I be a great mom to a kid who is sensitive, intense, and scared?

 

Imagine there is another kid like yours out there in the world. Let's say she's having a meltdown at a park. She is saying, "You don't love me" to her mom. You are watching this scene and thinking, "Wow, that mom is a really great mom." You are totally impressed at how she is handling her daughter's meltdown. Imagine what she is doing? What is she saying? What energy or emotion is she rooted in?

 

The reason our children's personalities bug us is because of how WE FEEL AND ACT when they annoy us. We don't like that our kids can turn us into yelling, out of control, crazy people! If we got to be the PARENT we wanted to be, their behavior wouldn't bother us. We try to control their behavior so that we can act like a good parent. This doesn't work so well. Putting the focus on OUR feelings and behavior works much better. You get to decide how YOU feel and behave, regardless of how your child acts.

Focusing on controlling the one thing you have control over will feel much more empowering.

 

Supermom Kryptonite - Therapy

I believe one of the reasons we live in a culture of perfectionistic parenting is because of therapy. You've got a whole generation of women who went to therapists and learned all the things our parents did wrong. A common goal of therapy is to take you back to childhood situations where you didn't receive what you needed, and give you the compassion and empathy that you needed at that time. It works. It feels healing and healthy.

But the side effect of it is an entire generation of women who have learned that there is a right way and wrong way to parent. We learn that doing the wrong thing can have devastating consequences and cause pain to our children. If we are to be good parents, we need to always say and do the right things and prevent our kids from experiencing negative emotion. Therapists don't say this, it's just a side effect of the therapy model.

Children are going to experience negative emotion. Parents are going to yell, mess up and say the wrong thing. There is no way that any parent can do everything right. The reason I like life coaching so much, is you learn how much control you actually have. No parent, spouse, or child has the power to make you feel anything you don't want to feel. It gives you permission to be imperfect, but still strive to do your best. Accepting the things you have no control over, like your child's temperament, helps you relax and enjoy things as they are.

 

Supermom Powerboost - Therapy

There is a time and a place for therapy so since I just bagged on it, let me tell you where I see the value.

Therapy was based on the premis that a client is mentally and emotionally unwell, and it's a therapists job to bring them up to a state of wellness. Life Coaching works with the assumption that a client is already mentally and emotionally healthy and stable, they just want to feel better, change something up, go after a goal, settle into a new identity, etc.

People hire life coaches to help them with parenting, career, relationships, creative pursuits, athletic pursuits, entreprenurial pursuits, etc.

 

A client is better served by a therapist when they have experienced a trauma and they've never spoken about it. Whether this trauma was during childhood or adulthood, it's so helpful to tell your story to a compassionate witness. To revisit this traumatic story, once or twice, to someone without judgement. A therapist helps you identify the emotions you felt and interpret the trauma in a way that is empowering. It can be hard to move forward in life without this, so it really can serve an important and helpful role.

 

Once you have told the story of your trauma to a compassionate witness and processed the emotions of the event, repeating that story again can actually keep you stuck in the past. Life coaching is more present and future focused. I don't care so much about what happened in your past, but about how those events might be impacting your future and getting in the way of creating a life you want.

 

If you feel like it's time to "open this can of worms" and finally speak out loud about something that has haunted you for a long time, find a therapist in your area. You won't get a boost of energy right away, but overtime, cleaning up the past will help you feel more energized about your future.

If you don't have a trauma that needs verbalizing and you just want to feel better, try life coaching.  If you've already been to therapy and you want your life to continue to get better and more aligned with your higher self, go to www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/work-with-me

 

Quote of the Day is the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer. I always thought this was a perfect fit for parenting.

 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."