Invalidators!

 

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Brought to you by wellbuiltbody.com 

 

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Be careful of the friendly friend who wants what’s best for you and hates sharing with your his advice but it’s only for your own good… because they want what is best for you. 

 

 

Types of invalidation

Assuming your feelings without asking: When someone decides they know how you feel, without actually asking you what you’re thinking or feeling, they may be unknowingly invalidating your experience.

Misunderstanding what it means to validate: Validation is frequently confused for agreement. But this isn’t the case–you’re perfectly able to disagree with what someone is saying or feeling while simultaneously validating their experience as real. To validate what someone is saying is not to agree with them, but to let them know you understand what they’re saying, why they’re saying it, and what emotions or behaviors may have caused them to say or feel it.

Trying to Fix Your Feelings: ...instead of just listening to what they are. This typically comes from a good place or intention, but can damage the person whose feelings are on the receiving end of the “fixing.” This is saying things like “Don’t cry,” or “Don’t be sad.” When someone is saying those things, they mean that they care about you and don’t want to see you in pain. But it is invalidating all the same because you are sad or maybe you feel you need to cry, and there is nothing inherently wrong in either of those things.

Vacuuming Up Uncomfortable Feelings: Similar to trying to fix your feelings, this is when someone tries to eliminate any negative or uncomfortable feelings you may be having. “Come on, it will be fine,” or “It’s not such a big deal,” are examples of this. While the feelings you’re having may be uncomfortable, it is important to let yourself feel them. Trying to suck up any feelings that make us uncomfortable doesn’t actually help us work through them, it just teaches us that some feelings are wrong.

 

Invalidation can be helpful & painful at the same time. Situations in which it is helpful include when:

→ your facts are wrong. Being corrected with true facts can help you reassess what you are feeling and come at it from a more accurate place.

→ you haven’t considered another view. If the person you are speaking with presents a point of view or idea you hadn’t considered before, it can be an opportunity for personal & intellectual growth.

Judgments are not facts. Just because someone says something to contradict how you are feeling, doesn’t make it true.

 

Invalidation can be painful for a number of different reasons, and it doesn’t always feel the same. Feelings of invalidation can include:

→ feeling as though you’re being ignored

→ feeling as though you’re being repeatedly misunderstood

→ feeling as though you are being misinterpreted

→ feeling as though important facts are being ignored or denied

→ feeling as though you are being given unequal or unfair treatment → feeling as though you are not being believed when telling the truth → feeling as though your experiences are being minimized or denied

 

 

The life of Job, he is surrounded by well meaning invalidators… But what does he do? 

 

 

Handling invalidation has two core components: being non-defensive & checking the facts.

When you are non-defensive you are able to see that there are other points of view in a situation. And the existence of opposing points of view doesn’t necessarily make one person right and another wrong. Instead it gives us more information about how the people in question process emotion, than it does facts about the situation.

Checking the facts is the other key step to handling invalidation. Do you have all of the correct facts? Are you assuming things based on minimal knowledge? Make sure you know the correct facts. This may change your response, but will help you to validate your feelings once you know all the facts.

 

In Jobs life we see at the end of the book after having his friends invalidate him, and tell him he must be a sinner to go through such pain from God… Job also makes some inaccurate claims… but ultimately we see God make the final word. 

you do not have a universal insight as to everything that is going on and you are not equipped to make that call over me.

It’s the same thing we see when we really look at the invalidators in our lives.

you do not have a universal insight as to everything that is going on and you are not equipped to make that call over me.

Who does? God does. So seek him, ask him, listen and trust. he’s worth it.