61 - Podcast About List (feat. Kanye ”N” West)

I Thought About Unaliving You ASMR Ukulele Cover (Anthony Jeselnik Cum Tribute)

 

I harbor awful thoughts about everyone in my life I ever loved or cared about. That I thought I loved or cared about. 

I think about murdering my friends and family. I think about shooting them with a gun. I think about blowing up their houses with fertilizer bombs. I think about taking a knife and stabbing them through their eyes. I think about sending pipe bombs in the mail and blowing their hands off. I think about beating them with my bare hands until their faces are unrecognizable. I think about curb stomping them. I think about locking them in cages and setting them on fire and taking a video of it and attaching it to my application to be ISIS production assistant. I think about chopping them up into little pieces and then blending them in a nutribullet and pouring them into an ice cube tray and freezing them overnight to add to my iced coffee in the morning for breakfast. I think about not wishing them a happy birthday. I think about wishing them a sad birthday. I think about posting their phone numbers in weird places and hope someone harasses them. I think about signing them up for a bunch of email newsletters they would not be interested in. I think about stealing their catalytic converters. I think about giving teasing them with oral sex but not finishing them off. I think about reporting all of their Instagram posts for hate speech. I think about commenting on their pictures without liking them. I think about tying their shoelaces together when they're not looking and making them trip and look foolish. I think about dropping a grand piano on their heads after hoisting it up with a sort of pulley system. I think about smashing their heads with a giant mallet and their brain splooshes into my open mouth ahhh yummmyyy mmmmmm. I think about running them over with my car but my car is a audi r8 and also I look like Justin Bieber. I think about getting my friend Justin Bieber to cyberbully them and call them the n word on video and selling it to tmz. I think about twisting their nipples off and throwing them in the air fryer and eat em like kettle cook chip. I think about asking them for a sip of their drink and then backwashing multiple times. I think about jerking off in their bathrooms without their permission or knowledge. I think about saying mean things about them on a podcast. I think about sharing embarrassing photos of them from the Christmas party. I think about throwing a big party but not inviting any of them and paying complete strangers to come instead. I think about begging them for gas money and spending it on blunt wraps and Dorito. I think about sending them dick pics and saying oops wrong person lol. I think about sending pussy pics and emphasizing that it was intentional. I think about texting them saying they are the reason I'm going to kill myself. I think about killing myself in their front yards. I think about filling their houses with a bunch of stink bugs. I think about hiding a piece of cheese between their mattress and box spring. I think about using their sink and leaving the counter soaking wet. I think about not refilling their Brita pitchers. I think about pissing in their Brita pitcher. I think about replacing their Brita filters with a big stinky dookie. I think about stealing their Brita filters. I think about convincing them Brita filters cause cancer. I think about convincing them aspartame is really good for you and they should definitely eat more of it because it's only a class 2b carcinogen like aloe or pickles which they also eat all the time. I think about vaccinating them. I think about forcing them to invest heavily into crypto. I think about getting them addicted to scratch off tickets. I think about selling them religion to cope with their problems. I think about convincing them the earth is round. I think about telling them jews run Hollywood and therefore control the culture. I think about telling them I'm gay and trans and polyamorous. I think about telling each of them that they are the single most important person in my life and that I don't have anyone else and that they need to be there for me or else I will do something actually insane next time. I think about telling them things will totally get better eventually if they just work really hard and apply themselves and never give up. I think about telling them I love them. I think about giving them genuine advice. I think about building and maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships with them. I think about feeding chocolate to their dogs. I think about reminding their teachers to collect their homework. I think about replacing their memory foam mattress with a water bed filled with piss. I think about microdosing all their food and beverages with hydrochloric acid. I think about downvoting all their posts on Reddit. I think about screenshotting all of our conversations and tweeting them. I think about photoshopping their pictures to make them only slightly but noticably uglier and convincing people that their versions are heavily edited. I think about only putting one ice cube in their drink when they asked for a couple. I think about using their real full names and pictures to register and post on adult diaper lover and feeder vore forums. I think about becoming a cop and breaking into their houses and shooting them and getting paid leave. I think about doing a tight 5 minute set for their eulogies. I think about building them a shitty submarine and charging them 1 million dollars to die in it. I think about sending them to Cambodia in a box. I think about having them sent to the shadow realm with no possibility of parole. I think about delivering myself to them inside a giant birthday cake and I jump out and they go ew yucky gross what the heck dude. I think about showing them funny videos on efukt.  I think about deepfaking them into a bunch of Mexican cartel execution videos like the chainsaws and hammer ones, super gory. I think about haunting them as a ghost, pulling on their feet while they sleep. I think about farting in their open mouths while they're eating a delicious salad like that scene in click with Adam Sandler and David Hasselhoff. I think about having my Facebook page memorialized and then sending my aunts and uncles messages from the afterlife telling them I'll always be watching them so they better like and comment on all of my pictures about how much they miss me or else I will give them skin cancer and chronic diarrhea. I think about stealing their ipods and selling them on Etsy. I think about sticking my head in their ovens and serving it on a Sylvia Platter teehee. I think about forcing them to date a girl who rereads the bell jar at least once a year. I think about replacing all their starburst with yellows only. I think about taking their teeth and only leaving them 1 dollar under their pillows. I think about buying them Gran Turismo 3 for Christmas instead of GTA 3 and making them pretend it's the game they wanted so that they don't hurt my feelings. I think about printing out a bunch of arbitrary rules and reminders and laminating them and posting them around their houses so they'll be mildly annoyed with my passive aggression. I think about using all their ice cubes and not refilling the tray. I think about smothering them with a Ghislaine Maxwell body pillow. I think about shooting their kneecaps with a hello kitty Glock 19. I think about putting poison in their underwear and having alexei navalny make a documentary about it. I think about buying them grimace shake. I think about making up stories about how they pooped their pants multiple times at that one really important event. I think about making them chase my laser pointer and I give them treats when they catch it. I think about making them write lists of awful things to think about doing to them. I think about telling them to think outside of the box. I think about telling them to apply themselves for once in their lives. I think about putting them in nursing homes. I think about making them quit their jobs in full joker makeup. I think about making them start a podcast and then quit after 61 episodes. I think about tipping them 5 tokens and asking them to do belly button play. I think about creasing all of their Pokemon cards they lent me. I think about going to their house and eating all their Oreos. I think about begging them to let me practice professional wrestling moves on them in the basement. I think about trying to watch the scrambled naughty channels on their TV's at 3 in the morning while they are sleeping. I think about having a night terror while sleeping over their house and waking up with a nose bleed and wiping it on the wall and then going back to sleep and completely forgetting to clean up the blood in the morning. I think about asking them if I can come over to play but instead I just use their good homeschool internet to play neopets and newgrounds games and watch homestarrunner and download weird al mp3 on kazaa. I think about getting constipated at their houses and making their mom rub my tummy so I can take a big stinky dump in their toilets. I think about going to their house when nobody is home and jumping on their trampoline until the weird older kid who always wears his hooters shirt comes over and keeps pressuring me into doing gainers so I go home. I think about having them run around my house and the hubba bubba they were chewing accidentally falls out of their mouths onto the carpet and my stepdad yells at them until they sprint home crying hysterically. I think about leaving my pubes on their toilet seats. I think about switching out their conditioner with 3 in 1 shampoo. I think about convincing them I'm not a spiteful person they're just gaslighting me because they're insecure and have no friends that care about them. I think about making them play Slenderman at 2 am and recording their reaction and showing their friends so they think they're pussy. I think about making them watch Naruto dubbed on a dial-up connection and not letting them pause to let it buffer. I think about wake and baking out of a gatorade bottle at 4 in the morning in their basements. I think about getting couch locked in their crappy foldable papasan chairs while sipping a large slushie mindlessly watching Freddy vs Jason. I think about struggling to get the little Caesars pizza box open so I can throw up inside of it instead of throwing up on their basement carpet. I think about not getting the box open in time and throwing up on top of the box so it slides off the box onto their basement carpet and apologizing profusely in between retches before passing out and in the morning they're just like it's cool man don't worry I'll take care of it and I'm like so thankful cuz I'm still high and need to ride my bike home asap before my mom gets home but then they never actually clean the vomit they just condemn the basement and smash tvs and break shit in it instead and im like wtf isn't this townhouse a rental, and they're like fuck it haha and then they sell me weed and acid for the next 4 years of my life until I realize that shit is fucking gay. I think about selling them la croix laced with fentanyl. I think about telling them they're really cool and smart and funny and nice and a pleasure to be around. I think about thanking them for having me. I think about telling them good luck and goodnight.

 

My boyfriend won't stop saying "ambatukam" during sex and I don't have the heart to tell him I hate it

Throwaway since my BF knows my Reddit account. One evening, me (F22) and my boyfriend (M21) were watching memes on YouTube from his phone, something we frequently do together. He REALLY likes memes and quotes them often throughout the day, no matter whether he is happy or being goofy and even when he is raging at a game or genuinely heartbroken. One day about a year ago, he came home to tell me he got fired and said "my life be like oooh aaah". It's probably a coping mechanism for him, but personally I do not understand it.

Anyways, we saw one meme, a guy a clearly masturbating saying things "I'm about to cum" but it was spelt out as "ambatukam", and thought it was the funniest thing ever so we looked for more. There were more videos of him being edited into scenarios like him mourning the loss of his brother named "Bato Khan", and we spent no less than 20 minutes laughing nonstop at these videos. Afterwards when we went to make dinner, my BF said joking "that's what I'm gonna say in bed now".

Fast forward a day later, both of us are horny and head to the bedroom to fuck. It was great, but then towards the end, my BF said loudly "ambatukaaaam" and then proceeded to cum. I laughed along with him but I was a little uncomfortable because it sorta killed the vibe.

About a week later, we're having sex again, and he says them same exact thing as last time, but this time, he laughs "just kidding, I'll stop" afterwards. Well, it turns out he wasn't really telling the truth because the next time we had sex, he said "bouttobus". I then whining-ly said his name in desperation and he then chuckled.

We didn't have sex for about a month until last night. We were doing fine as usual, and he even managed to cum without saying any memes... or so I thought, because right afterwards, he said something along the lines of "thank you for letting me buss, it's what I needed". I can't even remember much of what happened during or after that because I was in pure shock that we would just kill the vibe like that again. All I remember is that we cleaned up and he went to play COD or something that involved him shouting stupid jokes and memes to his friends.

I do not have the heart to tell him that he isn't funny when he does this, because the last time I confronted him when he kept saying "yooo that's sus" every time I mentioned something vaguely sexual, he almost cried. He stopped saying that one phrase but still has about a thousand other memes in his vocabulary. I guess this is just my life now, and as much as I want it to stop, I love my boyfriend so much and will have to live with it.