Ep 201 - Transforming Communication: Subtle Shifts for Stronger Relationships

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Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing. We've spent our lives supporting people through the ups and downs, and we want to share these insights with you.

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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. So in the last episode, we talked about communication and why word choice is so important and can impact your relationship. So we're going to continue that today. This will be part two of that. So far, we covered examples of constructive versus destructive word choice when we're talking about feelings, when we're discussing responsibilities, as well as when we're addressing concerns. And today we're going to pick up right there, but we're going to talk about subtle shifts in communication, as well as give you practical tips for communication in general.

We just want to remind you that there are so many different nuances in communication. And when we see couples, a lot of times this is one of their main issues that they come in with. I'll ask them what they need help on, and a lot of times communication is their answer. And so when we look specifically at word choice, it's important because the words and the content matter, but really it also affects the emotional tone of the conversation. And it can positively affect it or it can negatively.

So one clear example of this, and we used this in the last episode, but it's coming in and just saying what's wrong versus, hey, how are you doing? One is very assumptive and accusatory, and the other really comes from a place of concern and care. Or even just curiosity. And that leads to open dialogue and communication. So as we look today at those subtle shifts, one of the things that we want to look at is a request versus a demand. So an example of this would be, hey, would you mind helping me with the groceries versus help me bring the groceries in?

And I know in the last episode, you talked about the pleasantries and the importance of that. And so I think that fits perfectly right here with requesting versus demanding. Oh, for sure. Because ultimately, the same thing happens in the end. There's going to be help with groceries, but there might be more begrudging help with the groceries, or there might be more irritable help with the groceries versus much calmer and more pleasant engagement with helping with the groceries. And again, one thing people can think is like, well, they should just grow up and get over themselves. They just need to come help the groceries. And maybe there's an element of truth to that. But again, you can smooth over a lot of potential difficulties by just being a little more careful and adding in a little more pleasantries into the discussion. And some of this is as simple as saying please or thank you.

I think sometimes we get so comfortable with our spouse and I hear people saying, well, I shouldn't have to say all the extra stuff. They know what I mean. But in communication, it really is important to be intentional with your words. And some of that includes the pleasantries and saying please and saying things like, will you please help me with the groceries because just adding in that please or that thank you makes a world of difference.

So another example of a subtle shift is expressing needs versus blaming. So blaming would look like you always ignore me when I'm talking to you versus being able to express your need. You could say, I feel important when you listen to me. There's something important I have to share with you. Could we find a time to talk without distraction? And I think one thing that's important about this is that one is coming from a place of vulnerability and the other one is being more aggressive and actually trying to hide or mask that vulnerability. And so when you're going from blaming, you're not really articulating what is the real problem. And so you're making it a you statement. You, right? It's your problem versus really it's an I statement. It's like I'm struggling with this. I'm having an issue with this. And that's scary and uncomfortable for people to come at it more in this healthy way. So to follow the example, I feel important when you listen to me, right? That's letting them know like, hey, this is a place where I can feel valued. But that oftentimes can make people feel uncomfortable because then they get fearful of being rejected. But actually, when they come across in that more blaming way where they're kind of trying to hide or mask their vulnerability, they're actually much more likely to get rejected. But then it also causes them to then believe like, oh, see, like, I couldn't be vulnerable and say what my real issue is. And so then they continue down that more blaming or aggressive type statement.

And with all of these, you're going to see that it causes a reaction that you don't really want. So with this one and with many of the others, it causes people to immediately be defensive. Because if you're going to blame them, they need to have their defenses up and they need to protect themselves. And so it makes sense why they're defensive. But if you're coming at it with a point, like you said, of vulnerability, then there's no need to protect themselves. selves. And just like we were talking in the last episode, the reason why I think a lot of times this is difficult for people is because the blaming type response oftentimes is more natural. And you jump to that right away versus when you're stopping to express your needs, it takes a little more forethought and you have to be a little more cautious and careful with how you phrase and think about things and communicate things.

The next one we're going to talk about is discussing sensitive topics. So an insensitive way you can bring it up is you always spend too much every month versus a sensitive way of bringing it up is let's review our monthly budget together. I think we could find some ways to save more effectively. Now, one of the things that I think people really struggle with is they want to emote, they want to express what they're feeling, and they end up making that their ultimate goal. I want to say what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling as opposed to getting to the solution, right? When you say you always spend too much every month, obviously you want your partner to spend less. But what you're spending most of your time doing is expressing those negative frustrations or feelings about what they're doing and much less time getting to what the actual solution is. And that's why if you say to them, let's review our monthly budget together, that's helping you to get to the end goal of spending less money. And so you're not activating them emotionally. And then you're spending much more time and effort pushing towards that solution, which will then address your negative feelings of them spending too much.

And with sensitive topics, you want to make sure that you are thinking ahead and being very intentional because the nature of sensitive topics is it's easy to go south and it's easy to take wrong turns and it's already a rocky topic to talk about. So you just don't want to go in there all willy nilly and not be intentional about your words. And so it's important that you think ahead and really are careful with how you phrase things. And maybe it's not finances for you. Maybe it's a different topic that is sensitive. But think about what are common arguments that you have or discussions that often go the wrong way. And those are the ones that are red flags or sensitive to you. And you need to be careful with those.

Another example of a subtle shift is addressing habits. So instead of saying you leave your stuff everywhere, which is pretty accusatory and immediately will cause people to be defensive, you want to instead of say something constructive like it's really important for me when things are tidy, could we work on solutions or figure out a way to keep things organized together or to do a family reset together? And again, noticing that what we're looking at here is the solution. We're focusing on the solution, not about you're leaving your stuff everywhere, but what's the solution? Coming up with some new system that we can employ where the house would be more clean and then that person's needs would be getting met, as opposed to just criticizing the other person for not doing it. Because when you levy criticism against your partner or anybody in particular, not just your partner, but when you levy criticism against people, it's a demotivational thing. It doesn't encourage them. It doesn't make them want to do it. It makes them feel bad, which then suppresses their desire to get up and go do that thing, as opposed to like, hey, I would really like to sit down and come up with a system where we can work at making it easier to keep the house clean and make it not a burden where we're doing it all in one day or something like that. When you phrase or say it in that manner, it makes it more enticing to engage into that discussion versus you're just leaving your stuff everywhere.

Right. And I think it also makes it more of a team thing. We're not blaming it all on that person. And maybe that person is significantly less tidy and they're contributing to the majority of things being left out. But like you're saying, it is more enticing when we're doing it together as a team rather than you criticizing them and blaming them for everything. Yeah. So the next one we're going to be talking about is feedback versus criticism. Now, this is very important because you may be trying to convey the same message, but you're going to get a very different response from your partner if you're giving feedback versus criticism. And so an example of feedback would be, I feel worried when you come home late without calling versus the example of criticism is you're so irresponsible for not calling me.

And when you look at these two, they're both kind of conveying the same message that they They don't like not getting a call when somebody is running late, but one is going to cause somebody to be much more likely to be defensive and want to start arguing or more likely to start a conflict between the two of you. If you're critical and you say you're so irresponsible when you don't call me when you're running late, you're inviting conflict. You're inviting an argument between you and your partner. But if you say, I feel worried when you come home late without calling, you're letting them know that this negatively affects me. It's an I statement. It's an issue that I have, and you can help me out with this by calling. And so you're letting them know in the same breath what your problem is, but then also giving them a solution. But then you're not also levying an attack against them. And so to break it down even further, this is the impact of feedback versus criticism. When you're giving feedback, it helps address a behavior and its effects. Versus criticism is an attack on the person's character, and then its aim is generally to try to wound the other person.

And I think a good prep phrase that can really help prep both you and the person you're talking to is to ask them if you can provide them feedback. And sometimes people are like, why would I ask for permission to tell my spouse something? But I do think it puts you in a different mindset. If I were to say, hey, Tim, can I share with you why I was frustrated last night when you came home? If we are in the routine of having healthy communication, he will usually say yes. And once in a while, there'll be times where it's just not the right timing and he'll say, hey, can we talk about this later? But for the most part, when he does say yes, that gives him just a little bit of time to prepare that something is coming. We're going to talk about something tough. Rather than me just bombarding him with maybe some feedback, but to him, it feels like criticism because it just came out of nowhere. But when you ask that question about, can I share this with you? It also requires for you to pause to even be able to ask that question. And so it kind of slows you down before jumping right into criticism and reacting to their behavior or cutting down their character. It causes you to slow down enough to really think, hey, can I share some feedback with you? Or can I share with you why I was upset last night? So it just kind of slows the conversation down altogether and gets people in a mindset where you're willing to have a conversation and you're willing to discuss things.

And the last example that we'll talk about today is asking for what you need. And there really are direct and indirect ways to do this. A lot of times the indirect ways seem a little more passive aggressive or sometimes just straight aggressive. Because you're assuming that you know the motivation behind it and a lot of times you're not asking directly what you need. So for example, an indirect way would be I had a really bad day and you don't even care. So I'm assuming that because he has his phone or maybe he's truly just listening to me, but it looks kind of like a distant stare. I'm assuming that he doesn't care. And I really don't even ask him for what I need. I'm just saying, hey, I had a bad day. Whereas a direct ask would be, I had a tough day today and I could really use your support right now. Can we talk? And I think a major difference between those two is that, so one, you're still wearing your armor and you got your sword out and you're trying to lop off your partner's head. And then the other one, you're coming to them, letting them know that you're struggling and you're asking them for support and for help through that. And I think a lot of times people get very scared about asking in that more indirect way. They feel like it's not going to be received well. And so then they have a tendency to come at it more aggressively. But then you're much more likely to not get received well. And when you're upset or when you're hurting, you are more likely to be just very reactive. But again, that reactive behavior is going to get you bad responses in return.

Oh, for sure. I tell our kids often to think about what was their end goal of what they're asking, because sometimes they'll get their end goal. So say they wanted a ball out of a tree or something, but it wasn't handled the way they wanted. And I'll just remind them, what was your end goal? Was it to get the ball? And then we'll process through how it was handled. But when you think about it in terms of this, if my end goal really is his support and his encouragement in this difficult time after a rough day, I'm not going to achieve that by, like Tim's saying, taking my sword out and demanding that he listen to me or even accusing him of not listening and not caring and not loving me. And so thinking about what do you want out of this and what do you need is important. Because I think a lot of times in couple sessions. One partner will be upset that the spouse doesn't meet their needs, and then we'll turn to that person and say, well, what do you need? And they'll say, I don't know. He should just know. And when you think about that, that's really unfair because if you can't verbalize it, then think about how difficult that probably is for them to figure out exactly what you want or need. And I think in general, we kind of know what the other person is saying, but if you're requiring that of others, then it's important that you know it yourself. Otherwise, it's not fair to get so aggressively angry at the other person for not meeting your needs that first off, you haven't stated to them. And secondly, you don't even know what it is. And I will say there are times where I'm not exactly sure what I need. And sometimes just through processing out loud with Tim and talking through it, I'm able to come to that conclusion. But what I'm talking about here is when you are demanding and requiring that of your spouse and coming from that place rather than thinking, you know, I'm having a really rough day. I don't really know what I need, but can we kind of talk about it? Or can you just be here to support me and help me figure that out together?

So now what we're going to do is discuss some tips that we can use in order for us to have better communication with our spouse. And one of the things is we want to be mindful in our speech. Beach. We want to be aware of how our words and the words that we choose, how they're likely to be received and the impact that they're going to have on our partner. If you want to have a good response, you definitely want to start off by putting in the correct ingredients. If you put in the wrong ingredients or you forget some ingredients, you're going to have a bad response. You're going to get a bad recipe out of it. So make sure that you are being mindful with the words that you're choosing, the way you're phrasing things, and the tone of your voice and how you're saying those things.

The next thing is positive framing. Now, one of the things that's important for people to do when they're trying to have a difficult discussion about something is you want to start off by talking about what is your end goal with this discussion. My end goal is I want to make sure that I am heard and I want to be nice and kind and gentle to you. My goal is not to tear you down or hurt your feelings in any way shape or form I just want to tell you how this situation made me feel and again it can be frustrating when you think why should I have to jump through all these hoops and say all this to try to put my partner at ease and blah blah blah blah that's so annoying but the truth is that when you're going through this conversation your partner is going to start making a lot of assumptions especially if you poke or prod at their emotional sensitive spots they're going to start making more and more assumptions about what your motivation is and what your reasoning is. And if you give them a positive framing at the beginning where you give them some level of assurance of what your goal is and how you want to be received. Then they're more likely to take it that way. Now, you might think, well, I could also just do that after the fact. But the truth is, if you do it after the fact, they're going to have already formed these thoughts in their mind. And it's way harder to overcome a thought somebody has already formed than it is to try to frame it that way from the the beginning. And so it's not something you can really do retroactively. I mean, again, you can talk about it afterwards, but it's not going

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