19 Grief and Triumph and God’s Pursuit Through it All with Julie Locke Moore, Founder of the DAX Foundation

*DISCLAIMER* This episode contains thematic material

 

19. Grief and Triumph and God’s Pursuit Through it All with Julie Locke Moore, Founder of the DAX Foundation

 

**Transcription Below**

 

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” 

 

Julie Locke Moore is the Founder of The DAX Foundation and also is currently serving as the co-chair for the Peoria Ronald McDonald House Capital Campaign. She attended Illinois Central College. Julie has a strong heartfelt commitment for serving her Lord and children who are battling cancer. She resides proudly in Washington, IL and is married to Devin Moore. They have one daughter Madeline who is 7. 

 

Julie’s Website

Ronald McDonald House Peoria

 

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

[00:00:00] <Music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.

 

[00:00:17] <Music>

 

Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode.

 

Today's episode includes some thematic material. I want you to be aware before you listen in the presence of little ears. I'm so grateful you're joining us today to hear from Julie Locke Moore. She's the founder of The Dax Foundation. 

 

She and I met through an event she sponsored and our Chick-fil-A cow attended. When I heard her story, I was blown away and immediately wanted to share it with all of you. She's an incredible woman, and I am so inspired after spending time with her. Here's our chat. 

 

[00:01:05] Hey, Julie, welcome to The Savvy Sauce.

 

Julie Locke Moore: It's good to be here today. Thank you for having me. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:01:11] I'm so grateful that you're willing to share your story. Will you just begin by telling us about your upbringing? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Sure. I was raised by a single mom with five girls. I was the baby. She was married to my dad and he remarried when I was born. It was very difficult growing up in a divorce home. 

 

I remember bits and pieces of it, of the back and forth in the long nights and missing my mom when I had to go to my dad's and just the hurt of divorce, the hurtful words that I would hear about the other parent, issues of money and adult things that were intermixed with just the devastation of divorce. Deep down on top of that, I think what I remember the most is just the feeling of not being wanted and being left. 

 

My mom remarried when I was 8 years old to another man who hurt her. She stayed married to him for 20-ish years. Today she's safe and well. But she was always loving. My mom never showed me, ever, one day of my life that she didn't love me.

 

She did take us to church every Sunday. We went to a Lutheran church, and I rebelled. I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't believe it. I don't really understand why I acted that way. My sisters weren't like that. But I definitely didn't understand why we're going there, and I didn't want to go there. 

 

I was so excited after I met my husband that he didn't believe in God because I didn't want to go to church. I didn't understand the importance of faith in your life. I saw my mom as a loving, caring person, but I didn't see the need of having a Father or Savior. That was never taught to me.

 

[00:03:09] When I was growing up, my grandparents didn't move in with us until my mom was remarried. My Grandpa, Jack, was amazing. He loved the Lord, and I knew that. He went to church as well and always loved my Grandma in all of her faults. Now I see how big of a blessing that was. 

 

When I was younger, I would see her not be as nice as him, and I was always so angry. But now and I look at that, I'm like, yeah, he was an example of Jesus in my home. And a lot of kids don't have any father figure. And I was just blessed to have him for the amount of time that I did.

 

I did everything I could during the summer to get over their house and stay there as long as I could because I felt safe. He was always joyful. He was always joyful to spend time with us and take us places and love on us. And he was proud of us. So I got a little taste. 

 

I didn't necessarily have that day in and day out. My stepfather definitely didn't show us that, and my father wasn't around. So I found great comfort in knowing that I was able to experience that. 

 

My dad left when I was six months old, so my older sisters had some time with my dad. There's 10 years in between me and my oldest sister and she had some experience with my dad in the home, but I had none. I only had the back and forth in the heart. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:04:34] And that definitely has an impact. Thank you for sharing a little bit more of the backstory. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Sure.

 

Laura Dugger: But then in 2007 your life changed significantly. Can you pick your story up at that point?

 

Julie Locke Moore: In 2007, my husband and I had our first child, Dax. I got to taste love for the first time, like true, unconditional love the moment I saw Dax. I was taken. I couldn't stop staring at him. I had joy. And that is something that I didn't have. I struggled all that time growing up to seeking and trying to fill so many voids in different things, and here I had this little boy that they laid on my chest in that moment changed my life forever. And I'm so thankful for that. 

 

On his first birthday, on June 26th, it was our last day at home. We had breakfast and we took him up to his birthday party. Dax had struggled with ear infections, just normal things that kids come up against in their youth. And it just was not getting better. It was constant. 

 

We got admitted into OSF Children's Hospital in Peoria, and that was the last time I was home with Dax. That night, I remember the very first night in the hospital thinking, "No one in my family ever spent the night in the hospital." There was no cancer in my family. But I just knew that it was going to be okay for some reason that night. And it was a sweet night. And for some reason, I just remember that first night in the hospital, and then after that, it's kind of been a blur. 

 

[00:06:23] We ended up going to a total of three hospitals from OSF because nobody could figure out what was wrong with Dax. They did blood work, they did CTs, they did all these scans, all these things to try to figure it out and they couldn't pinpoint why he was so ill. Because he stopped waking up. Like we kind of get him to wake up. He was just so lethargic. And as a one-year-old, that's just not common. 

 

So we ended in Iowa City, and I spent a week there. It had been a month in between OSF in that point. I hadn't slept in the bed. I had been in a rocking chair. I had been wherever I could be just holding Dax. He was just so sick.

 

They came into the room and they had found a mass in his head, and they went in and biopsied it and told us that it was a malignant type of cancer called AML leukemia, which is not a common type of leukemia. That's why it was so hard for them to figure out what it was in the other hospitals. Nobody knew.

 

At that point, we were sitting in there and I was so in a daze. I had not slept. I had just been hearing "we don't know what's wrong, we don't know what's wrong" from medical professionals and these doctors where I just had so much hope in them that they could solve this. But they couldn't.

 

[00:07:49] I was not content in Iowa City. Iowa City is an amazing hospital but for some reason I was not content. A gentleman came into my room. I wish I knew who he was. To this day, I still think of Him. He came in and he said, "Ma'am, you know, we have options here. You can stay here and we can keep Dax comfortable, but there's nothing that we can do for him. His cancer is a rare form and there's no treatment." And he said, "But if I were you, I would go to St. Jude." 

 

I didn't even blink an eye. I said, "I want to go there then." And within eight hours St. Jude had sent a personal plane to Iowa City to the hospital and got Dax and took him to Memphis.

 

My husband rode with him in the airplane because they told me I was gonna go to Memphis for three months, and I just couldn't even fathom three months. I've been gone from my home for a month. So I was going to drive home from Iowa City, pack, pick up my mom, and then drive to Memphis, all in one shot while Dax flew to Memphis.

 

So that process started and I got to Washington, Illinois, where we live, and packed and got my mom and went very fast to Memphis. That was before iPhones and GPS and things. So I had MapQuest directions all mapped out in my car packed to the rim thinking I was gonna go to Memphis for three months.

 

I got pulled over once and the gentleman said, "Ma'am, you know how fast you're going?" And I said, "I don't and I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get to my son." And he touched me on the shoulder and he said, "I just want you to get there safely." And he said, "God bless you." And for some reason, I remember feeling his hand on my shoulder. And he just spoke those words to me and I just went on. 

 

[00:09:50] Got to Memphis and it was this massive complex. I was so overwhelmed. I've been in so many hospitals and so many things are coming at us. I am naturally more of an introvert than an extrovert. You know, I like to be in control, I guess. And it was intimidating. 

 

They showed me where to park. I walked in to the smaller building and I was walking the halls, I'm like, "This cannot be the hospital. This has got to be like, I don't know, like a welcome museum or something." Because the walls, the murals, and the people were just so like everybody was from the south and so friendly and welcoming, and it was four o'clock in the morning. And I was just in a daze.

 

They told me to go. "No, your son's in this building, just go up a floor and down the hallway." I walked down that hallway and I remember a ship that came out of the wall, and it looked like a ship had crashed in this wall. But it was a playroom. And there was women that early in the morning just sitting in there cleaning toys with volunteer badges on.

 

Everyone I passed in the hallway greeted me and looked at me in the face. And I walked around the room and found Dax and Dax's Dad was sleeping on the couch, and the nurse was holding Dax and he was sleeping on her and she was holding him in a rocking chair. And again, that moment, is like those little things, those little whispers from God that He's got it and He's gonna take care of us were there every part of the journey. 

 

And at that moment, I was just like, I never had a nurse have enough time to help me like that. And that nurse was holding him while he was sleeping just till I got there so he would stay still and so that Dax's Dad could rest. So that was my first taste of St. Jude and I knew I was home at that point. 

 

[00:11:45] The next day Dax's doctor that we were assigned to promptly came in and introduced himself to us. He said he wanted us to call him by his first name. That was a thing at St. Jude. The doctors were Rachel and Ken, Pia and they're addressed by their first name. It really was a different feeling there. It felt like everybody was on a team and everybody worked together. Everybody was there for the good, and to love us. And they did that so well. 

 

The doctor spent four hours in my room and gave us his cell phone number to call if we had any questions. And again, I was stunned because you can't even talk to a doctor unless you have an appointment and you get through a nurse and dah dah dah. So that just didn't even register that I would be able to call them on a cell phone. I just appreciated him. And I still do so much all that he did. On his days off, he would bring his family in to meet us on the holidays that were in town. Yeah, it was different. It was different than anything I've ever experienced. 

 

So during that time, though, when I first got there, a woman came to me. And I believe she is the woman who brought me to Christ. My husband was an atheist. And I just didn't want to believe in God because I thought I had to go to church. That's where I was raised. It's so embarrassing. But I was literally just so numb and so worldly-focused that it was that small to me. 

 

[00:13:24] This woman came to me and she had a daughter named Elizabeth, and she had the same disease as my son Dax. She asked me if I wanted to meet Elizabeth and I was like, "I can't leave them, you know." My mom had me go and I walked out and I got to see Elizabeth, and right away Michelle started talking to me about Jesus. For some reason, though, I listened to her. 

 

I had heard about God at church all these years and my grandpa loved God, but I never listened. For some reason, I listened. And I was drawn to her. I was drawn to her grace, her presence. I was drawn to the way she loved others and loved her family in the midst of all of that. 

 

And then the next day, she came back in to check on me and she told me she loved me. I came from a small town, I never had a stranger tell me they love me. I had never been in a situation this traumatic and out of my comfort zone. So it really struck me. We ended up spending a lot of time together. 

 

They started Dax's chemo treatments and told us, you know, this is the plan that we have for AML. It's a heart disease, but we have this. And so you're just so thankful to have something. We started that and Dax's body didn't respond and neither did Elizabeth's. 

 

We were there about the same time. She was a couple of months ahead of us so she had gone through a little bit before which was another blessing to have Michelle's guidance and her understanding of what I was about to walk through. God just orchestrated that perfectly, perfectly, in a hard, hard way. 

 

[00:15:13] So when the chemo wasn't working, they told us, you know, well, you know, we're writing this protocol and we can do a transplant. Dax is too little to have a transplant, but we're writing something and this new protocol that you can try. Dax is healthy enough and Elizabeth was healthy enough and all the other kids that had the disease that were there at the same time were able to jump into this experiment to study and try it. There was hope there.

 

So we did. We got tested and Dax's Dad was the stem cell donor for the first transplant. That was amazing. We were on the floor with Elizabeth. At the same time, she had her transplant a little bit before Dax. And so you go a week before your transplant, and you get just hard, hard chemotherapy. It literally kills your bone marrow. So if you don't have the stem cell transplant to replace that marrow that they kill, you cannot survive. 

 

So you go through this chemo that just wipes out your bone marrow, and then they give you the stem cells that go in there and generate new bone marrow. So it's just very, very intense. But if you know anything about transplant, there's rejection, constant rejection. And when you're doing bone marrow, that's not just one organ, that's everywhere. So everything tries to reject this. So that was a big issue.

 

Dax had his first transplant. And we had a brief time, like a week that it was gone. The cancer was gone. So after you have a transplant, you can't be in public for a year. With this type of transplant, you couldn't have any foods that had been opened for more than an hour. So you can't open up a jug of milk and give it to him and then put it back in the fridge and give it to him again.

 

[00:17:05] So we were just locked down. And you're locked down. You can't go to public places. You can't go to restaurants. You can't go where there's a lot of people. We had to stay in the hospital. I was in the hospital for... I think my longest stint was like 80 days because their counts have to be up so high just to be able to walk outside to go back into your home. It's hard. It's hard. Because if you can imagine your child not being able to go outside and just being stuck inside, it was very difficult.

 

So like I said, I think we had about a week after transplant when they told us the cancer was gone. So I quickly rushed home. And it was Christmas time. And I told my doctors... right before we left, they had done a test that was going to tell us if it had come back. And I said, "I don't care what day of the year it is, I don't care what time of night it is, I want you to tell me right away."

 

I remember where I was standing, what I was looking at when they told me that the transplant did not fully take. So that means that the cancer was going to come back. And that was Christmas Eve at my mom's house. 

 

So after that, Elizabeth also her transplant just was really hard on her. And I came back in, I got to spend some time with them, but she did not survive. I did though get to have this amazing experience with their family had some time off.

 

[00:18:44] It was Thanksgiving so... my timeline is off a little bit. But it was Thanksgiving time and I was out of the hospital and she was able to have her family up in the room but she was allowed to leave because she was so sick. So me and another girl whose son was also in transplant, we went and cooked Thanksgiving meal for everybody on the transplant floor and we went back and served it and I got to go into her room with her family and have their last Thanksgiving together with their daughter.

 

Michelle, her mom was just so grateful and I was so angry. She was grateful always. She was grateful in those moments. She was grateful just to be able to hold Elizabeth all night. She didn't care about being tired. And I would just watch her with this grace and strength. And all she did was pray. I would have the TV on and I was trying like, you know, just get through the days and she's like, "Julie, you need to pray." She's like, "It's the only thing we can do is just pray." I couldn't even grasp what she was thinking.

 

So one time I did. I just told God that I didn't believe and "If you're real stop this. Please, you know." And that was the only time that I ever did. So Elizabeth passed away. And Dax's doctor said, "Julie, you know, his dad's cells didn't work but you know, we can try yours. We can try another transplant." And I said, "Of course." So we did. And I got to be the donor there.

 

So they collected my stem cells and gave them to Dax. That didn't work, either. And at that point, St. Jude just told me that there was nothing left that they could do. I got in the car. And I knew it, Christmas Dax wasn't going to survive. But my husband still didn't know the day that they told us to go home.

 

I knew in my heart, because what I had seen the other kids go through and my husband only came on the weekends. So I was very aware once there was a relapse that there wasn't anything to do. But he wasn't really part of the medical decision-making, he just came on the weekends.

 

[00:21:14] I had to handle that on my own, which was a common thing down there. Because I've lived there for a year and he had to go home and work. So that was a very common thing. And I just knew, and he's believed that there was something more out there that we could try that we could do. And in my heart, I started grieving Dax the moment I was standing in that room at my mom's house. I knew that was going to be the end. But I knew we could get time. I knew there was time. And I was thankful. 

 

The one thing that was really great about St. Jude is they taught me what hope was. I could hold on to something that I couldn't see. They could give me something that I couldn't understand, that I couldn't control. So they gave me a taste of that, a big taste of that. And they did it with grace, just like Michelle, the entire time.

 

Those doctors were so nice to me. And at times, I was not nice. I was a bear. Watching your child have so much pain, it's incredibly difficult, especially when the cancer was in his spine. And I couldn't even change his diaper without him wincing. I couldn't touch him in his bed, the pain was so severe. I just didn't have it. I didn't have grace anyway. And in that moment, it was real clear. 

 

So I've done a lot of apologizing over the years. And they have been so gracious to love me and forgive me. You just know that those people that are in those positions at that place are there and they know. They know, you know, cancer doesn't discriminate. It hits all walks of life. It doesn't just hit the people with strong faith that can handle it, or the wealthy people or the poor people or White people or Black people. It hits everybody.

 

[00:23:08] So they told us there was nothing left to do, and I was just a whirlwind. Like I had just been fighting for so long. I had been at St. Jude for almost a year and a half at that point just fighting day in and day out, keeping track of his medications and medical decisions from one transplant to the next, to chemos, to everything. And I was tired.

 

I was tired for him. He was so frail. I was relieved that he wasn't going to suffer anymore. And that sounds terrible. But really, truly when you see someone suffer, and I believe that was a gift for my heart, too, was that I had so much time with my child. I got to fight for him. Should have done it with more grace sometimes. But I got to be there and to love him and comfort him and hold him. For me, that was a blessing. And I'm so thankful for that today.

 

So we went June of 2008 until October of 2009. St. Jude told us there was nothing that they could do. So they told me I could stay in Memphis and I chose to go home. And that was really hard because I've been in Memphis around so much devastation for that long. 

 

I came back and I had a little bit of what's called Post Traumatic Stress that all of my friends' children had passed away that I was there with. And I'm sure it was post-traumatic stress. I just could not get settled in my home.

 

People just were constantly there trying to help me. They wanted to cook for me. They wanted to give Dax things. And Dax didn't want people around. He was in so much pain. And so many people come in and out of your room at St. Jude in the hospital all the time, he just wanted me. I was the only person he wanted. 

 

[00:25:25] I just didn't want him to be upset so I put curtains and things over my door. And during that time, he wanted to see Christmas. So we brought down the Christmas tree and decided to have a little Christmas for him and give him gifts. My neighbors were my friends that lived right next to me, and they were like, you know, "What can we do?" I'm like, "I'm just really overwhelmed." And they're like, "How can we help you not be overwhelmed." I'm like, "I don't know, but it's too much."

 

So they did things like put a cooler on my doorstep and said, you know, please don't knock, just leave the food and the coolers, and please leave gifts here. I just couldn't open the door anymore. 

 

So during that time, when I was feeling really overwhelmed, my neighbors decided to put up their Christmas lights early because Dax wasn't going to see Christmas, just to show us that they loved us. My friend Trish, my neighbor had five kids, had just adopted a little boy, just had a baby, you know, strapped to her. She had so many things happening. Went around door to door in Washington and our subdivision and told everybody what they were doing and to join them in showing Dax's one last Christmas. 

 

So, you know, this was our first time out of the hospital. So that's where the Christmas lights became such a huge part of our life. And before I knew it, it wasn't just my subdivision, my town was doing it. And then the city was doing it. And then different people in different states were doing it because they were following us on social media and on my blog.

 

[00:27:18] The one that really stands out in my mind is the war was going on in Baghdad at the time, and there was a barrack. Someone sent me a picture of a barrack with the word Dax in Christmas lights in Afghanistan. It was all over the world. 

 

I had met a football player's wife when I was in the hospital and their daughter was sick. And he was going through his own nightmare with his daughter having a heart transplant and on national television, he wrote Dax on his arm guards and his towel, and everybody was texting me to look. It was just consuming. Those things were exactly what I needed. Just the Christmas lights was perfect. It was perfect in every way. 

 

So I ended up actually going into the hospital here in Peoria with Dax for about six weeks at the end. So that would have been in November. I just said, I am just so anxious. I just wanted to rest. And I knew in the hospital was where I felt comfortable. I'd been there for a year and a half pretty much all the time. 

 

It wasn't St. Jude, but we had a St. Jude clinic here and I knew that they knew of Dax and that they would take care of me. And they did. They did. I got to go on a lockdown floor. There was a children's floor in the basement of the OSF Hospital in Peoria. And there was a locked door. Nobody could get onto the floor without calling the nurse's station. 

 

So I could just leave a list of who I allowed in the room. That was amazing six weeks. The nurses took care of his meds and I got to sleep. And I got to spend some amazing evenings with these nurses that took care of us. People brought me dinners and things like that. I didn't have to do anything but just take care of Dax. That was awesome. Oh, that was amazing. 

 

[00:29:34] Dax did survive through Christmas, which was awesome. And then December 30th it was really early in the morning, his breathing stopped. And I was there, his dad was there. Dax passed away. Burying your child when you don't have faith is a very hard experience.

 

So after Dax passed away, so many people were doing things for me, like writing songs and drawing me beautiful pictures and poems. It was, again, just amazing. I was in the hospital because I was pregnant with my daughter. I got pregnant with her right after Dax passed away because I couldn't even function. I didn't know what to do. I was a mom of a child with special needs. I was doing so much. I felt so empty, and I wanted something right away. 

 

I was in the hospital in the process of delivering her and I got a phone call and it was a songwriter named Matthew West. And I wasn't a believer. So I was like, "You know, that's so nice of you." And he's like, "Yeah, ma'am. I just want you to know some people wrote to me about your son Dax. Three people from this town of Washington. And I'm just really inspired by his story, and I wrote you a song." 

 

And I was like, "Can you just email it to me? I'm in the middle of something." You know, it was just, to me, another thing. And I was just so excited to meet my daughter and I just didn't even pay any attention until, you know, I got out of the hospital. And then he asked me if he could make a music video about the song and put it on YouTube. And I said, "Well, sure. You know, that's great. Thank you." And it went viral that day. It was amazing. 

 

[00:31:28] And then all of a sudden, it was on the radio and all over. And within a couple of weeks, I mean, Madeline, wasn't even a couple months old, and movie producers were calling us wanting to make the song into a movie. This is totally the Lord. 

 

I had Lifetime network and the Gospel Movie Channel, GMC. And I honestly don't remember how all that went down. A gentleman who kind of stepped in as our manager at that point who was working with Matthew West, he just helped us because we didn't know what to do. All I knew is I just wanted the money to go to St. Jude. 

 

St. Jude did all they could always. Like I told you when I first got to St. Jude, and they were holding Dax when I got there to keep him comfortable. With every single thing they did, never once did I hear, Oh, let us call an insurance company, or let us check with somebody. There was never a question. They did so well. That place is run beautifully. I'm just so thankful that I got to experience the work that they do. 

 

So I wanted to give back everything to them because at that time, I still didn't have faith and I still just believe that they were... the doctors were, you know, curing these kids. They are but they were the only hand in that, you know. So I was just so thankful for St. Jude and so excited to do something. I'm like, "I just want all of it to go to St. Jude. I want them to approve everything and just work through them."

 

So we ended up going to GMC, the Gospel Movie Channel, and I'm not a believer, my husband's an atheist, and this Christian songwriter just wrote a song about me. And I was like, "Okay." Now I'm like, "Okay, Lord, you know, you are not going to let me go." 

 

[00:33:19] So we go to Hollywood and Madeline is like so little. Not even six months old. We go to Hollywood, and we shoot this film and Matthew West gets to be in the movie as my neighbors who started the Christmas lights. The movie aired on the Gospel Movie Channel and it broke their records. It was amaz... I don't even know. I'm using the word "amazing" a lot. It was remarkable. How could I not fall in love with the Lord? He is so faithful and so big and so much bigger than my mind. 

 

So after that situation happened, that really unfortunate event happened, right after that, my husband divorced me. And I was devastated. Within a year span, my son had passed away, I had a baby and my husband just left. And I couldn't move. 

 

How I grew up, I was a people pleaser at heart. It was the deepest sin that just had me choked. You can call it people pleasing but what I call it would be like a men-addict. Like I sought their approval. I wanted it so bad that I would go after, you know, people who didn't treat me well, and I was devastated by this. 

 

He was my biggest... my husband was everything to me. And I fell hard. But God has used that in such a big way. And I'm so, so thankful to be sitting here today and to tell you that I am so grateful for my parents' inadequacies. I'm so thankful for my ex-husband's inadequacies and thankful that my son had a different path than what I would have chosen for him because I wouldn't love My Jesus like I do. 

 

[00:35:23] All of my anxiety has went away. I am on no medicines. I was so anxious. I was so worried I was so controlling. It was gripping me. I was miserable. In the midst of that, I heard this really good speaker say it so perfectly. He said, "When I gave my life to Christ, He in the word becoming one, changed everything for me. So now Jesus became the scripture, and the Word of God came alive." And I fell in love. It wasn't the institution of Christianity that saved me. It was the person of Christ. 

 

When I stop and I think about the examples of Christ in my life over the years, starting from my mom, who always loves me, even in her inadequacies, she loved me. My grandpa, he loved us. The love that I felt for my son and the love that Michelle showed me, those things made me fall so hard for Jesus. But I had some work to do. I had a lot of work to do after that. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:36:37] So at what point was it that all of that came together? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: The point that I surrendered my life to Christ was when my husband decided to divorce me. I walked into Harvest Bible Chapel in Peoria, and there was a song on the screen, and I read the words, I was... I was just going really to appease a friend. The words on the screen said, "I am your hope when you are hopeless." And I knew when my husband left me I felt hopeless. So I knew that was my biggest God.

 

Laura Dugger: Make sense. Make sense. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: So I was in that hopeless state and I needed a God. And I knew that mine rejected me. And that's what I had growing up. And I was done. And I was all in. I don't even remember what the sermon was about. It was just that one line in that one song. 

 

I mean, I tasted hope. I tasted hope at St. Jude. I tasted hope in those people that showed me that type of love. But I wanted that in me, and it wasn't there. And no man could give it to me. But my whole life, that is how I functioned. That's what I sought. 

 

I was a man addict, you know. You can be a drug addict, you can be an alcoholic, you can be a food addict. I was a man addict. I was a people pleaser. I did everything I could to please men. And we are all sinful. There's no person... How dare I hold him at that standard? 

 

You know, forgiveness has come so naturally to me in those situations too, which has been an amazing blessing. Because I can look at them and... that was not his fault. That was my fault for holding him there. He did choose to leave and divorce me, and that's on him. But my sin in that was I was holding him accountable for my joy. And that was wrong of me. It's taken a lot of years, but man, is it good when you can understand what God's love looks like!

 

Laura Dugger: [00:38:46] So at that moment, when you walked into the church, and you see that line on the screen, how did your life change from that point forward? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: When I saw it on the screen, I just cried. And I waited till after the sermon, and I asked my friend that dragged me there to go up front because they said, you know, come up, we'd like to meet you. And I went up to my pastor and his wife and I said, "I want God in my life. And I want to ask you to do my heart, can you help me?"

 

And my Pastor Tim and his wife Jonna took me under their wing, and they loved me. To this day, I still consider them my spiritual parents. They took me in. And so she would tell me, you know, Julie, what's it say about your heart and the situation in this, you know, in the scripture? And I would read it and I kind of get angry at her. She was showing me the word, the truth of God, the living Word of God. And it was showing you that my heart was filthy, and that it was me. And man, is it good just to repent to a God that loves you and forgives you, you know?

 

And I have never had a father that showed me that. So that's why I just rejoice in the inadequacies of my family because I don't think I would be so on fire and excited about serving Him and all that I do if it wasn't for that, you know.

 

I now God-please. And that's the only way that I can... I have to focus on that in my marriage, my new marriage to a man of God who's amazing, in my work, in my charity work, and in my parenting, and in my friendships. All that matters is that He approves. And that burden off my shoulders just... I feel so alive. And I felt so weighted before. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:40:42] It's incredible to hear that whole story and then all of this leading up to God's been pursuing you this whole time. 

 

Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

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Laura Dugger: [00:42:00] Wow, Julie, your devotion as a mama is so inspiring. And now as a daughter of God, it's just incredible to see the impact that Dax made on this world, even in his short time here and all those circumstances that followed. 

 

What were some of the most helpful things that you remember from that season that other people did to get you through?

 

Julie Locke Moore: You know, a lot of times we go through trials, and our support system in normal life is normally our family, or our close friends, or the people that we make our support system. And when you go through a hard time, those people were still expecting me to be their support, those people that leaned on me. 

 

And I kind of like to use the analogy of a broken arm in a sling. I'm the broken arm and I need a sling. I've got nothing to give, I have no strength. I can't do anything. I need you to do everything for me. Open my doors, fold my clothes, understand that that person is broken and God is working. Believe that with all your heart. And be that love that they need in that moment, and don't expect it back. 

 

And always be quick to forgive. Because that is what love is. God shows us over and over in the word. He provided for His people in huge ways. They would stray and they would come back and He would love them. And just show them that, show them what unconditional love looks like in that time. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:43:38] It's incredibly powerful that broken arm in the sling is healing. And that's what you're saying people can come around while you're healing.

 

Julie Locke Moore: That is so true. I didn't even think about that aspect. But yes, that broken arm is slowly healing, that needs to be held up by the support like my neighbors when they said, you know, how can we make it better for you? 

 

And they came up with that idea because I couldn't come up with anything on my own. A lot of times people are like, "What do you need? What do you need?" And really, I just wanted, you know, to be left alone. But what they were doing was good. And how can you harness that? Find a creative way, find a way outside just to show them support presented to them in a way that is loving, but you don't need a response. 

 

Laura Dugger: That makes a lot of sense. And I think that's really helpful for all of us to hear so that we can come alongside someone in our own lives who's grieving. Maybe you just put words to what they needed. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Yeah. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:44:38] Do you have any encouragement you want to share for a listener who is going through some kind of trauma in their life right now or grieving process?

 

Julie Locke Moore: You're gonna say the wrong thing. I have been through this and I've said the wrong thing to people. Opinions are opinions. And maybe just leave those out. And maybe just give love meaning words, and don't give opinions. Those people are hurting.

 

And in that time, there's not really a right answer. It really depends on the person. But I hear all the time, things that you shouldn't say, you know, and they're things that I say the on acts like, you don't know what to say like, I don't know what to say in these parents that are new. And they think I do, because I've been through it. But honestly, really, I didn't have ears to hear, I didn't have eyes to see. 

 

And what Michelle needed to hear and she loved the Lord, she needs to hear scripture. But I didn't. That irked me. That made me frustrated. I needed something different. So if you don't know the person, just that you're thinking about them and you love them and you care about them I think is great advice. It's just something we should just not unless they ask for it. 

 

Laura Dugger: I think there was a lot of wisdom in that.

 

Julie Locke Moore: Yeah.

 

Laura Dugger: [00:45:54] How has walking through this whole experience with Dax impacted your parenting with Madeline? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: I knew for a good year that Dax was going to pass away. So I knew that I had a limited amount of time with my child. So what was on television didn't matter. What was on Facebook didn't matter. I never wasted a moment. And I really truly lived that out. 

 

With Madeline now, now I know tomorrow is not promised with her. I know that this evening isn't promised with her. I know something could happen. I know the Lord is coming. But I know that she loves the Lord and she's asked Him into her heart. It is well with my soul that she is going to be okay. 

 

Because being okay is knowing that Jesus is our Savior. And I'm just so thankful that I was able to pour that into her. If I would have stayed on the same track with Dax and he wouldn't have gotten sick, what I have done for my son? I would have created another man in this world that was not God fearing, that was going to treat women the way I was being allowed to be treated. But thankful.

 

Laura Dugger: [00:47:20] That's incredible to hear such wisdom. And you have such a unique perspective. So it seems that The Dax Foundation grew beyond what you even originally intended. Can you share what The Dax Foundation is currently up to? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Yes. So I started The Dax Foundation to give back to St. Jude right after Dax passed away. And my goal was to raise $1.6 million. When we were there it cost $1.6 million a day, to give that type of care to all of those families. Today with inflation, I think it's $2.2 million. 

 

And during that time of fundraising, I also had a very strong passion to bring to Peoria where there's a St. Jude clinic, free housing for families that was very close to the hospital that you could walk to. Because when I was able to get a breath of fresh air, it was because that housing was right next to the hospital. 

 

In those times, in those houses is where these families get together and they share what they're going through. And to me without Michelle doing that, I don't know what I would have done. God's plan in that was perfect, and I don't question it, but I knew that Peoria where I was from at the Children's Hospital needed something like that. 

 

It needed something right at the hospital that you could walk to and for families to stay at that was free. A place that brought people together in communal areas to cook and to talk and for kids to play. And it'd be set up just for kids and very close to the hospital. And I was passionate and I was going to push and I've been pushing and pushing and pushing for about four years now. 

 

We have just been approved to break ground this September in 2018 to build our very own Ronald McDonald House right next to the hospital. It is a 22-room house that 700 families will stay in a year for free. Yes, so we raised the $1.6 million. We completed that two years ago. And since then, I, on the back end, have worked on this project. It's not my house. It's God's house. I just believe that God put this on my heart and put me in this place to bring glory to Him. And I'm just thankful. I'm just thankful. There's no other word.

 

Laura Dugger: [00:50:00] Well, that's incredible that that's your word. Because the first time that I interacted with you, thankful was the word that came to mind, just this sincere gratefulness that comes out. Some listeners may want to show you their support after listening today. So what are some ways that they could do that? 

 

Julie Locke Moore: You know, there's lots of ways you can help, financially and spiritually. Prayer over this house being built, just the families that are going to come in. I strongly believe in prayer now. And you know, it choked me up earlier to think about that I never prayed. 

 

But just prayer for the families that come in, that they just feel that love and that it moves them to make a change. That's my biggest request. And then, of course, financially, we always need help. And if you go to my website, thedaxfoundation.org, you can see our campaign to raise the money for the Ronald McDonald House. I'm personally donating a million dollars. And it will be the way we're all the St. Jude families will stay. It has to be designed a little bit differently. So it's going to be called The Dax Wing. And it's going to be equipped differently for the medical needs of the St. Jude families.

 

Laura Dugger: So thedaxfoundation.org. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Yes. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:51:20] And it is amazing what you were saying about not praying before, because you didn't know at that time. And yet again, Jesus is the redeemer of all things. And all the prayers that have come from you since that point and since you had ears to hear, it's just amazing.

 

I appreciate your willingness to share so many heavy topics. But in the midst of all of that, you pointed back to God's goodness and His grace. We're going to conclude with a much more playful question. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Sure. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:51:52] We're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as my final question today, what is your savvy sauce?

 

Julie Locke Moore: But I really, you know, think that the most important thing is that people get to know their God. And I would just encourage you to be in the word every day. I have made Him my number one. So it has become a habit to a delight to me now. I just encourage you to do that because it will change everything. 

 

I used to look through the lens of Julie and my emotions and my feelings and what I deserved. And now I look at something and I... it's like I'm holding up a Bible is how I like to picture it. And I look through the Word. And you know, how can I use this situation to glorify God in everything? Deepen your relationship with God and get to know His character more and I promise you it is good. It's always good. That's my savvy sauce. 

 

Laura Dugger: [00:52:48] That's an incredible savvy sauce. Thank you for sharing. Julie, the few times that I have been around you, I've always left very inspired by your faith and today is no different. I know that listeners are going to feel the same way right now. So thank you for entrusting your story to us today. It was an honor to get to host you as my guest. 

 

Julie Locke Moore: Thanks for having me.

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. 

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So are you ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.