Why Your Internal Value System is FLAWED!

Host and coach Robin Waite outlines what value systems are and how attitudes embedded into entrepreneurs from their childhood can result in them being flawed. So why is it that so many of us haven’t given our values much thought? The main reason is that we rarely choose our values consciously; instead, we tend to stick with the ones we grew up with, often by default. This means that many of our beliefs and attitudes, especially those that shape our decisions in business, are inherited rather than intentionally selected. It’s common to overlook negative or limiting values, preferring instead to believe we possess only virtuous or admirable qualities. This disconnect can lead to blind spots in our thinking and behaviour, ultimately undermining our ability to grow both personally and professionally.

What we will be discussing today 

• Internal Vs External Value Systems
• What is a Value System?
• How They Can be Flawed

Before we dive in, let’s clear up what we mean by “values.” When people talk about values, it’s easy to picture lofty ideals, honesty, kindness, courage, the things we like to put on inspirational posters. But our values aren’t always so virtuous. We all carry a mix of positive and negative values, and both shape the way we live, work, and interact with the world.

Values are, at their core, the things that matter most to us. They’re the principles we stand for, the daily choices that quietly signal our priorities, and the standards we use (sometimes subconsciously) to judge ourselves and others. Whether we’re aware of it or not, our value systems are always at play, influencing our productivity, happiness, and even the little quirks that make us who we are.

In this discussion, we’ll untangle what value systems really are, how they show up in everyday life, and why even the best intentions can sometimes lead us astray.

Why Honest Self-Reflection Matters

Before we go any further, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: honesty with ourselves. Developing a solid, reliable value system isn’t just about compiling a wishlist of noble traits you’d like to have, it's about digging deep and admitting which beliefs are truly steering your ship right now, for better or worse.

You might admire Richard Branson’s boldness or Oprahesque generosity, but unless those qualities genuinely show up in your daily decisions, they’re aspirational, not your core values (at least, not yet). That’s why honest self-reflection is so crucial. It allows you to separate the qualities you’re striving for from the ones quietly running the show behind the scenes, sometimes for years.

Getting real about your drivers has several advantages:

• Clearer Decisions: When you know what matters most to you, choices (even the tough ones) become much easier, and you’re less likely to regret them later.
• Spotting Patterns: If you’ve made missteps, examining the beliefs under the surface can often explain the “why” behind them.
• Growth: Recognising gaps between your ideal and current values is the first step to bridging them, one conscious decision at a time.

Let’s be honest, this takes a little soul-searching, and plenty of courage. But the reward is a value system that works for you, not against you.

So, how can you start this process?

Reflecting on Your Values in Everyday Life

It’s all very well talking about value systems, but how do you actually check in with your own? Here’s a practical approach:

Start by casting your mind back over recent choices, big or small, whether it’s how you handled a client call, showed up for a mate’s birthday, or even what you ordered for lunch (yes, that extra slice of cake counts as a decision). The idea is to review your actions, interactions, and the logic behind your decisions through the lens of your personal values.

Now, jot down a handful of values or behaviours that were evident in those situations. For example, did you stick to your guns on a project because you value integrity, or did you dodge that tough conversation because, deep down, you prize harmony over conflict?

If what you see matches the person you aspire to be, fantastic! Celebrate those moments, give yourself a deserved pat on the back (or at least a good cup of tea). But if certain behaviours make you cringe, don’t bury your head in the sand. Instead, pick one value or habit you’d rather showcase next time. Is it about being more assertive, or maybe showing more empathy?

And here’s the biggie, turn that wish into action. Note down real, bite-sized steps you can take. For example, maybe you’ll speak up once in the next team meeting, or block out time for a family catch-up. Keep it concrete, keep it doable. Remember, it’s easy to critique, harder to craft a genuine plan to shift gears and reinforce positive change.

By being honest and intentional, you’ll start steering your own value system in a direction that feels right for you.

Steps to Reinforce or Change Your Value System

Now, let's get practical. It's all well and good to spot the values driving your actions, but how exactly do you go about strengthening the good ones—or swapping out the less helpful ones for something better?

Here’s a simple roadmap to help you create real change:

1. Reflect on Your Recent Choices: Look back at your key decisions over the past week, be it with family, friends, work, or your own well-being. What values were behind those moments? Were you acting out of honesty, ambition, kindness, or maybe something less flattering?

2. Pinpoint the Behaviours You Want to Keep (or Ditch): Note down three values or behaviours that showed up most often. Are these the ones you’re proud of? If so, fantastic, keep them front and center. If one or two make you wince, don’t worry; you’re not stuck with them.

3. Get Specific on What to Change: For anything you weren’t happy with, decide what you’d rather see in yourself. Instead of being reactive, maybe you want to practice patience. If you tended to say ‘yes’ too much, it might be time to value your boundaries.

4. Create Actionable Steps: Clarity is power, so spell out what you’ll do differently.

   • Want to be more patient? Take a deep breath and count to five before responding in challenging situations.
   • Need to set better boundaries? Prepare a polite script for declining requests.
   • Aiming to be more generous? Schedule a monthly coffee catch-up with a friend or volunteer online.

5. Review and Adjust Regularly: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Check in with yourself, weekly or monthly, to see what’s sticking and where you can pivot. Nobody gets it perfect, but a little consistency goes a long way.

This is about turning insight into action, not just hoping you’ll do better next time, but building a plan you can actually stick to. Small shifts lead to big changes over time.

How Recognising Values Shapes Our Choices

So, why bother digging into both our positive and negative values? Quite simply, recognising what truly matters to us, alongside the baggage we might be carrying, arms us with the self-awareness needed to make intentional decisions. Instead of just reacting out of habit or conditioning, we can pause and ask: “Is this choice really aligned with who I want to be?” That’s when the real magic happens.

For example, if you know your positive value is honesty but spot an underlying tendency to avoid conflict, you’ll notice when a tricky conversation triggers discomfort. This awareness gives you the choice to stand by your principles rather than default to old avoidance tactics. In the same way, spotting those sneaky negative values, like a fear of failure picked up somewhere between school reports and Dragon’s Den reruns, helps you sidestep decisions made out of insecurity rather than ambition.

Ultimately, understanding both sides of your internal value coin means you’ll own your decisions, and their outcomes, with a whole lot more confidence.

What to Do If Your Actions Don’t Match Your Values

If you find yourself questioning whether your current actions line up with the values you want to embody, don’t panic, this is actually an excellent start. The first step is to clearly identify the new value or behaviour you want to bring into your life. Ask yourself, “What belief or habit would make me feel more authentic or fulfilled?”

Once you’ve chosen the value (or behaviour) you want to adopt, get specific about the steps you’ll take to put it into practice. Maybe it’s committing to saying “no” more often, or perhaps you need to set aside time each week for reflection or learning. It’s easy to spot a change you want to make, but real progress comes from mapping out simple, actionable steps.

Think about what you can do more of, what you might do less, and what you need to stop altogether. In other words: create your own blueprint for change, and remember, even small adjustments can lead to meaningful transformation over time.

Reinforcing Positive Values and Behaviours

When you recognize values and behaviours that you genuinely appreciate—whether in yourself or those around you, it’s important to intentionally nurture them. Think of it like watering the good plants in your mental garden so they keep growing strong.

Some practical ways to reinforce positive values include:

• Celebrating Wins: Don’t hesitate to give yourself (or your team) a metaphorical high-five when those healthy values show up in real life.
• Creating Rituals: Regularly practicing small habits that support the values you admire, like daily reflection or gratitude exercises, helps cement them over time.
• Seeking Like-Minded People: Surround yourself with others who share similar principles. Community environments, such as inspiring masterminds or professional groups, can act as valuable mirrors for growth.

By making a conscious effort to acknowledge and repeat the behaviours you value, you embed those qualities deeper into your own way of working, and living.

Aspirational Values vs. Core Values: What's the Difference?

Let’s clear up a common point of confusion around values: at any given time, we’re dealing with two kinds, aspirational values and core values.

Aspirational values are the ideals we hope to embody one day, those guiding lights we post up on vision boards or scribble in notebooks after an inspiring TED Talk or two. They're the traits we want to develop, the virtues we admire in our heroes, and the big goals we set for how we'd like to show up in the world (think patience, boldness, or generosity, just to name a few).

On the flip side, core values are the deep-seated beliefs that already govern our decisions, actions, and reactions right now, even if we’re not always conscious of them. These are the non-negotiables, the wiring that shapes what we stand for at our core (whether it’s reliability, freedom, creativity, or something else unique to your story).

In short: aspirational values point to who we want to become; core values reflect who we currently are. Understanding the distinction helps us identify whether we’re acting in alignment with our true selves or simply chasing an ideal we haven’t yet integrated.

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