The Year of Saying No with Deva Davisson

2023-02-09

Why do we complain about how busy we are but keep saying yes? What keeps us giving our time and energy away to everyone but ourselves? What would happen if we said no? How can we figure out what we should spend our precious time on, and what we should be brave enough to ditch? This is an episode that springs out of a crisis of time, energy, and will in my own life, and what I began to understand as I looked back over the last two years and came to terms with my own addiction to busy-ness. In this episode I get down into the depths of our own value, our deep fears...

This is an episode that springs out of a crisis of time, energy, and will in my own life, and what I began to understand as I looked back over the last two years and came to terms with my own addiction to busy-ness.

In this episode I get down into the depths of our own value, our deep fears of starving or being abandoned if we aren’t continually productive, and the oppressive systems that exploit the very real consequences of saying no.

In this episode I discuss:

the unpaid labor of women
how we take things on way beyond our actual capacity
what is the year of saying no?
how the shadow of overcommitment can be the flip side of self-development
how FOMO is a really base survival fear that doesn’t serve us
working from a place of lack sets yourself up for more experiences of lacking
how the media tells us to pack in more things in rather than cutting things that aren’t joyful out
how to flip that equation on its head
why this message to do more is so prevalent
what is the best use of your time and who says so?
how constantly saying yes depletes the intimacy of your relationships
the stories we tell ourselves around the necessity of saying yes and the consequences of saying no
what does it mean about us if we say no?
the mother wound and how we all crave an endless source of nourishment
what happens when we aren’t willing to supply that
the judgment of other women and the sister wound
the historical cooperative knowledge of women
the communal discomfort of stepping into powerful choices
where do we source our value?
how boundaries are necessary to the intimacy of a relationship
productivity as a moral virtue in our culture and who that serves
the right to say no and how it’s a big picture decision
perfectionism as a way to offset sin
poverty as a moral issue
the othering of perfectionism and why we learn we have to work harder
asking whose definition of being better we want to embrace and how the method matters
my own fear of not being enough
what is saying yes stealing from you?
the requirement of spaciousness to feed creativity, and how creativity is the life force wanting to be expressed
the consequences of turning away from expressing your own life force
the fatigue of chasing FOMO and our cultural messages
how aging can increase our anxiety about having accomplished enough and whose standards we’re using
why saying no feels counterintuitive and the fear of disappointing others
who is the person going to those lengths to care for you?
how the shadow of caring can be controlling and grasping
how our belief that we are the only ones who can do things right is a real disservice to ourselves
trying to control others is ultimately a fear of abandonment
digging in to your sense of self allows you to tolerate the discomfort of saying no and the practice of valuing your own time and energy
the takeaway: how to prune your calendar by following marie kondo’s idea of using the things that spark joy as your compass
observe your own patterns of time and activity and lean in to the good stuff