Working Through Pain, Grief and Other Turmoil

We all know it's important to set boundaries, but what do you do when you've already committed to something and you're just not feeling your best?

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The full transcript is available at https://aardvarkgirl.com/painandgrief

You’ve probably heard me talk about the importance of setting boundaries with your clients, saying no, and making sure you’re taking care of yourself so you don’t burn out. As business owners, we need to protect ourselves from those who think they can control our time or the way we work. We get to choose when, where, and how we get the job done. That typically boils down to communication and it’s pretty straight forward to understand.

But what happens when we can’t really say no? Not because we’re afraid or timid, but because we’ve made a commitment and people are relying on us. We can’t always shut everything down because we’re not feeling well or are dealing with something personal that’s pulling our focus. There are times when we have to power through whatever it is because we said we would get something done. That can get pretty tricky because you need to take care of yourself, but the rest of the team still needs you to stay on track.

I personally deal with chronic pain issues. I don’t always know when the bad days are going to hit me, so I can’t exactly plan for it. Sometimes I wake up knowing I have a full day of work ahead and it’s going to be difficult because my head is throbbing. But I have responsibilities, so I have to suck it up.

Why? Because if I don’t, my clients are going to get behind on what they need to do. As great and understanding as they all are, it’s not always practical to think they can put everything on hold because I’m having a bad day. I actually don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone to do that. I don’t make my pain an issue. It’s not that I hide it, but I don’t generally talk about it because I don’t need the pity and I know I’m not going to let it affect my work.

Of course, I still use my basic time management and prioritization skills to know what I absolutely have to get done and what I can possibly put off another day if I need to. That self-awareness is the biggest key to all of this for me. I know myself and my workflow well enough to know what I need to do and when. That means I can quickly assess what’s going on to figure out that balance between taking a break I need while also fulfilling my obligations on time.

When I sat down to work on a recent crazy day, I looked over everything that needed to be done. There would be no way to predict what the show might need, but I would have to stay on top of my emails and text messages in case something happened. The marketing video had a concrete deadline and I had to make sure that was priority, that everyone did what they needed to do so we could get a new file uploaded by a certain time. The sale was still a week way, so I knew I could put that on the backburner if needed. As new requests came in, I gave them the same thought – does it need to be done today or can it wait?

Of course, the way I work, I also know that putting things off can be dangerous because I never know what’s going to come up unexpectedly. So that day, I still got everything done because I felt okay to do it. Sometimes, though, you need to take a nap. Or spend time not staring at a screen. Or go outside. Or hang out with your pet for a bit. Or whatever you need to do to make you feel better, even if it’s only temporary. The important thing is to keep realistic about what still needs to get done and where you can hold off if you need to.

Physical issues come with their own challenges, but what happens when the problems are mental or emotional? It can be really hard to keep going with business as usual when some part of your world is falling apart at the same time. If you’re dealing with a loss or are worried about something, it’s hard to keep your head in the game. But sometimes you don’t really have another choice. Of course, everything is a choice and you can decide to brush off your obligations, but you should probably consider the repercussions to doing that.

Unfortunately, I have experience with this too. The day before I was leaving to work on my first rocket launch, my cousin died, completely unexpectedly. The job was a pretty high pressure one already. It was my first one and even though I’d been prepped by the best, sometimes you can’t really prepare for those jobs until you’re in them. I have a pretty strong ability to compartmentalize. Meaning, I can put feelings aside when I need to in order to focus on something else. It’s not avoidance or denying they exist, but it’s a way of telling myself, “Hey, you don’t have time for this right now so let’s put it over here for a minute and we’ll come back to it at a better time.”

In that case, it was probably good that the job required nonstop attention. It was busy and a little chaotic, but also what an incredibly cool opportunity to be part of something like that. The day the rocket was supposed to launch, it rained, and we had to push everything another day. The next day it almost got pushed again, but it ended up happening. But it happened much later in the day than usual, and I was supposed to leave that day. In normal circumstances, I would’ve stayed an extra day to make sure everything got wrapped out properly. But it was at that point I had to have an honest check-in with myself. I needed to go home. It had been a long several days in the cold, without much sleep, away from home without any of my normal life comforts like healthy food, my Tempurpedic bed, my cats, all that stuff. So I talked to my client, explained what was going on (I hadn’t mentioned it prior because I knew I wasn’t going to let it affect my job performance) and he was fine with me leaving as scheduled.

Like with everything else, handling these situations often comes down to two things – honesty and communication.

By honesty, I mostly mean being honest with yourself. What state of mind are you in? Can you still do the job? Can you get through it without making mistakes or creating too much of a burden on yourself or anyone else involved? If you try to show up, will you break down and wish you would’ve stepped back? If you choose to cancel, what will that do to your relationship with your clients? Will it hurt your income in any long-term sense, and can you handle that? It’s a lot to think about when your brain is likely tied up with other things, but it should be a decision based on logic as much as emotion, if not more. Only you can know what you really need to do, and even that can be pretty difficult to determine if you’ve never been in that kind of situation before. But hopefully you know yourself well enough to make an educated guess about what the best move will be.

Then it’s all about communication. I don’t think it’s a good idea to share the details of your personal drama with everyone. That’s not the way I handle things. Everyone is different, though, so you have to do what feels right to you. It’s also important to be mindful of how you communicate to make sure your explanations don’t come across as excuses. In general, I like to believe that people are understanding because chances are they’ve been in similar situations themselves. But, no matter what is going on in our lives, we have to remain professional.

When you’re communicating something difficult, it’s also important to give as much notice as possible and provide them with a solution. If you know that you aren’t going to be able to deliver what you’ve promised, or perform effectively on a job, you have to let the client know before it’s too late. And give them an alternate plan so they aren’t the ones stuck scrambling to pick up the slack for you. If you can’t be available for the time you’ve committed, find someone who can do it for you, and give them that option. Then they can either accept or decide to use someone else. If they go with your referral, though, make sure you properly onboard that person so it’s a seamless transition. This will show your clients that even though your priorities had to shift, you didn’t leave them hanging. This is a good way to keep a strong relationship so you can come back when you’re ready.

Also, if you decide to power through, make sure you can still deliver. It comes back to being honest with yourself and what you can handle. While it’s admirable to try to pull through when you’re struggling, it’s worse to say you can do it and then fall short, especially if it can negatively impact the client or project. And if it gets to be too much, be honest. At that point, it’s better to let them know that you’re not at your best and you are concerned that you won’t be able to give them what they need than to halfway commit and not do a good job. In most cases, I think people will be understanding and work with you to figure it out. If not, it’s probably not the right fit for you anyway and you should take care of yourself.

It’s hard to work through pain, grief, and other turmoil. There are times when you just want to shut down your brain and go lay in bed, lose yourself in a book, or binge watch a mindless show to take your mind off of what’s going on. Other times, you want to surround yourself with family and friends who can help you through a situation. And sometimes your head and your heart are just not in what you have to do, and you have to figure out how to get through it without letting anyone down, including yourself. And despite what you want to do, there are times when what you have to do is to push through it all because you made a commitment and backing out of it just isn’t a real option. When that happens, do what you have to do to get through it and then, when the job is done, take care of yourself.

Figure out what is urgent and what can be done later. Take breaks if you need to. Communicate with the other people involved and be honest with yourself in deciding what you have to do. Bad things happen. We can’t always control the timing of it all, and sometimes we have to decide whether it’s more important to honor our present internal needs or our previous commitments. No matter what the situation is, be kind to yourself in the process. Sometimes that’s all you can really do.