Show Up and Grow from Disappointments

Show Up to Go Up

Ep 23 Show Up and Grow from Disappointments

We all face disappointments. They are a part of life but they don't have to be bad. If you acknowledge your disappointments you can learn and grow from them. You can use them as a part of your story to help others.

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Here is a detailed description of this episode...

Do you ever just feel like you’ve lost all steam and motivation? Have you ever had a big goal for yourself that you didn’t achieve and it broke your heart? Have you faced a disappointment that knocked you off your game? It’s funny how life works. You may feel like you’re totally in control and things are moving in the right direction and then bam - something like covid 19 happens or some other life emergency. I want to talk about disappointments and how to keep moving forward even when things don’t go the way you hoped. I’m going to share two types of disappointments that I’ve experienced recently and how I’ve dealt with them. The first type is a totally unexpected disappointment and the second is not meeting a goal that I set for myself. Both are disappointments none the less and should be acknowledged and analyzed to keep moving forward toward happiness and success - which is the end goal right? 

 

I’m going to start off by giving you a little context. My birthday is on March 15th. Some of you may recognize that date as the Ides of March - Ides meaning middle. If you love history or Shakespeare you know that Julius Caesar was assassinated on that day and in Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar there is a line that has yet to lose stamina and that is “Beware the Ides of March.” So I was born on what some call the most unlucky day of the year. What’s your accomplishment?! Just kidding. There are multiple books, TV shows, and movies that talk about the Ides of March as a day when crap hits the fan. 

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I loooove my birthday. I love celebrating my birthday and I always have huge excitement and anticipation to celebrate. Unfortunately the week of my birthday has typically been plagued with pain and disappointment. If you don’t believe me, here are some things that have happened just to name a few...my dad told me he was leaving our family, I found out my old boyfriend was cheating on me, my grandma passed away, and you all remember covid 19 right? I’m not sure where you’re listening but in Atlanta where I live, things started closing down on my birthday and then I got laid off the next day. I hate to admit this but every year I have an internal anxiety as my birthday approaches since so many hard things have happened that week. 

 

Now let’s rewind to the beginning of the year. I was starting off 2020 with new passion, vigor, and inspiration. I was feeling more focused and motivated than ever before. I went to a personal development conference and came back on fire. I started prepping and planning for this podcast and I decided that my launch day would be 3/12 because that was my grandma’s birthday and she was such a strong woman and I wanted to honor her with this. So I had a goal and I was pumped up! 

 

We were into the beginning of March and I was on track with my goal and feeling great! I had decided that this was the year that I was going to change my ides of march fate. I was flipping the script and this was going to be the best birthday week ever! Not only was I going to release my podcast but I had an audition for a SAG national commercial and then I had a callback, which is a second audition. And then I booked it! It was my first SAG national commercial and I was so excited. On March 11th I found out I booked the commercial and had a fitting the next day and the commercial would shoot on that Friday 3/13 - literally as I said that out loud I realized it was Friday the 13th. I should have known. Anyway, booking a SAG national commercial is a huge deal and it was potentially my biggest accomplishment as an actress. And of course I booked it because this was the year I was reclaiming my birthday week and changing the way I see my birthday. All the motivational hashtags!!! I had my fitting on Thursday March 12th AND I launched my podcast! I was unstoppable!! And then, late on Thursday while I was lying in bed I checked my phone one last time and I had an email from production saying the shoot that was supposed to happen at 7am the next day was canceled. 

 

A single tear streamed down my face and then within a few seconds I composed myself and told myself that it’s okay. That it wasn’t meant to be and that God must have had a better plan than I understood. That’s all it took for me to accept it and I was able to go to bed pretty quickly. The next day at work a couple clients asked me about the commercial and I graciously told them it was canceled but I’m doing really well. I was somewhat surprised how well I was doing actually. Who am I, I thought. To not only say I was doing really well but I actually meant it.

 

An hour later I got an email from my agent asking for my availability to shoot the commercial the following Monday or Tuesday. Ahhh! Maybe it’ll be back on. Maybe it was meant to be afterall! I told her I’d make myself available NO. MATTER. WHAT. I started to get excited all over again. And thennnn later that day I got an email from casting saying that production was canceling the commercial shoot indefinitely.

 

Well let me just tell you - I didn’t take it so well the second time around. I was actually angry at God because it seemed like a cruel joke for him to take away the commercial two different times! And I had handled it so well the first time so why would he do that to me?! I couldn’t help but think that the birthday curse was alive and well. Look, I understand that curses probably aren’t real. But did you know that the Chicago Cubs couldnt win a world series for over 100 years because they were cursed by a goat? I know that it’s ridiculous but up until they won in 2016 I was fully on board with that curse because they never won? Just like my birthday seems to always derail.

 

So I lose the biggest acting accomplishment to date not one time but twice and then on my actual birthday where I live in Atlanta everything started shutting down. The day after my birthday I was going to teach a birthday themed spin class with all the best songs including “Go shorty it’s your birthday - you know we don’t give a bleep bc it’s your birthday.” Well turns out the world did give a bleep because the class got canceled and I got laid off instead. Again with the curse. That’s how strong it is - the whole world shut down. 

 

It’s okay I thought. I still have my podcast. Thank goodness for my podcast. The one seemingly good thing that I had. When I started this podcast  my #1 goal was to get on the New and Noteworthy list on Apple Podcasts. It had been my dream since I started planning the podcast in January. I talked to a friend of mine who had gotten on the list and although it is unknown exactly how a podcast gets chosen for it, he gave me some pointers that he thought could really help me. I wanted to be on this list because I believe in this podcast wholeheartedly. I really want to help people and women specifically grow more confident and more empowered. I lived the first 30 of my life playing it small and afraid to take big risks because of the fear of failing. I know how painful that is. I wanted so bad to help others and I knew getting on the New and Noteworthy list would help get my podcast in front of more people. 

 

It was my understanding that a new podcast has 8 weeks to get on the list. I did everything I could think of to get on that list. I recorded and released so many episodes so people would always have new content to listen to. I wrote to Apple basically every week to request being put on the list. Well my 8 weeks ran up a couple weeks ago and I never made it on the list. I was so disappointed. That had been my goal and focus for the past 4 months and I failed. I had a goal and I didn’t make it. 

 

I wouldn’t say I spiraled but I definitely felt down. I wondered if I should even continue. If I was even helping people. And I had all sorts of doubts and fears flood back. “Maybe I’m not good enough to achieve the big dreams that I want. Maybe I should just quit.” But, I’m not going to quit. I’m not going to throw in the towel. I know that you have likely experienced some disappointments during quarantine but I hope that you keep moving forward. Disappointment is a part of the game. Learn from those disappointments. Thank them even. And keep looking forward to the next goal. These are the things that helped me both times I felt disappointments the last couple months. Whatever your disappointment these tools can be applied.

 

1. Identify and acknowledge your disappointment. For some of you your disappointment may be obvious but for others it may be buried a little bit and you have to uncover it. When I feel disappointed it usually manifests itself as depression, apathy, lack of motivation, and avoidance. It might be different for you but I’d guess there are pretty good odds you’ve experienced one of these things when you’re disappointed. Think back to other times you’ve been disappointed or didn’t get the news you were hoping for. Get clear and specific on what it felt like. Once you have identified the feelings that are happening then you can start to ask the question why am I feeling this way? The week that my time was up to get on the New and Noteworthy list I started feeling a little off. I felt more tired and less motivated. I didn’t necessarily know it was because I didn’t meet my goal but I knew I was feeling down. I started journaling about why I was feeling down and asking myself is there anything else is there anything else? I got to the bottom of my feelings and faced them head on. Acknowledging your feelings or problem is so huge because you can move forward in dealing with whatever is going on. Which brings me to number 2. 
2. Feel your feelings without shame or guilt. I have been so motivated and focused and driven during quarantine so far that I’ve almost felt bad about it. So when I started to feel down I wanted to push it down and ignore it. Well unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. That nagging feeling will be there until you address it and even then you may have to spend a couple days going through it. Don’t rush the process. The lows are just as much a part of the process as the highs. Trust that you’ll get back to yourself but let yourself feel like crap if you need to. But this is important. Don’t quit taking action. You may have to pull it back while you’re feeling down and that’s okay but keep trying to go through the motions. Keep taking steps toward what you’re working toward - even if they are just quarter steps. Take a deep breath and just do one small thing every day to get you closer to where you want to be in life.
3. What can you learn from this disappointment? Quarantine has been full of disappointments. But there are so many good things that have come out of it as well. We’ve learned to slow down. We’ve learned how to ask for help or to give to others, to come together as a community. We’ve learned the effects of pollution now that there is less - earth is happier. From losing the commercial twice I learned that I am NOT in control. God is in control and growing closer to him and leaning on him more helps me breathe through all of this. I trust that he has a plan for all of us even when we can’t see it. From not making the new and noteworthy list I learned that I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong thing. My mission in life is to help people. My mission is not to get on a list. By focusing so much on the results of whether or not I made the list I was taking away from my greater mission and goal in life. The list is so small and insignificant compared to helping people. The funny thing is I had all these doubts about if I was helping people and a couple days later I had a few people randomly reach out and tell me that my podcast meant something to them. It gave me validation to keep moving forward toward my mission. So what can you learn from you disappointment, pain, or struggle?
4. I love the idea that we all have a story to tell. We all have our own story to tell. This disappointment that you’re going through right now - It will be a part of your story in a couple months. You will get to tell others how you failed or you went through something that when it first started you thought there was no way you were strong enough to get through it but you did. You have gotten through every disappointment and pain in the past and you will get through this as well. Your strength will grow from this experience. You will encourage others to never give up even when they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is a part of your story but it is just a chapter. Or maybe it’s two chapters but you will come out of this so much more dynamic and remember people can relate to pain because struggle is universal. When we watch movies we fall in love with characters who have gone through hard things. Think of the Lion King. Simba felt lost, shame, and doubt. He struggled. But he overcame that struggle. There would be no movie if he never went through that struggle.
5. What you focus on grows. This one can be hard when you are in the midst of your disappointment. This is potentially top 5 last things you don’t want to hear. But if you focus on fear, doubt, and negativity you will see more of those things. You are in control of your thoughts. Thoughts will come up randomly but you get to decide if you give them time and energy or not. Focus on where you want to be. Focus on things that make you happy. Be intentional and relentless about this because you attract what you feel. Visualization and gratitude are game changers when you are feeling down. Other things you can do are make a joy list - make a list of things that you enjoy doing. I’ve talked about this before. Things like rollerblading and lighting a candle are on my joy list. They can be big or small but be proactive and do some of the things from this list. Write it down so you can refer back to it when you need to. Another thing you can do is make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished. Again, big and small. For this one I want you to put on a timer for 5 minutes and just write. Do not stop until the timer goes off. Write as fast as you can without thinking too much about it. Some examples are I said no to someone when I wanted to instead of people pleasing, I took time for myself, I went outside, I got a promotion. Again - focus on your achievements and what you have accomplished rather than on the disappointment.

 

Disappointments are always going to happen. It’s okay to be sad and angry and hurt. It’s okay to feel your feelings but try your best not to live in that space. Focus on what you can control. You can’t always control what happens but you can control how you respond to it. Try your best to keep looking to the future to keep looking toward where you want to go. One setback isn’t going to define you. If you’re open to it you will see that there are things that you can learn from any setback. Things that are going to make you a better version of yourself. Lessons that can help other people. Remember the bigger picture. Life isn't over. You are strong. You are courageous. You are powerful and you can keep moving forward. Even if you have to slow down a bit. This is your life. You get to decide the outcome. You get to decide if you pick yourself back up. It may be hard but we can do hard things.