#25 BEING PRESENT AND BEING YOURSELF - with Lianca Fourie

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Please meet Lianca Fourie. A friend and bundle of joy... and a play therapist. 

In this episode of Fresh Perspective, I chat with the bubbly play therapist, Lianca Fourie. She offers play therapy for children between the ages of 3 and 18, using the theory of Gestalt therapy. If you don't listen to podcasts here are some highlights compiled for you by Melise Botha and edited by David Liprini and me. Melise and David will be helping me to continue creating when the demand on my time has increased so much - even starting at 5:00 am doesn’t cut it anymore. 0o: 
Please feel free to give me(us) feedback on this overview. Any feedback will help to improve… Should it be longer, shorter, more highlights, questions asked, etc.

Until next time
Much love 
Francois

You can always reach me at francois@vuurdoring.co.za

Over to you Melise:

Gestalt therapy can be viewed not only as a method of therapy but also as a mindset or a life philosophy. Its principles are applicable to persons of all ages. The concept of Gestalt therapy is that the parts of a whole are more important than the whole itself. So, I am not only Francois the relationship therapist, I am a father, a son, a husband, and more. All these parts make up the whole of me as a person.

In our life approach, we should consider the parts of ourselves and be present within them. So Gestalt therapy is about being present in the moment because our power lies in the present. This therapy also focuses on taking responsibility for our lives and emotions. 

Being present starts with awareness of what’s happening around you and the emotions you experience. You become aware by using your senses. So working on your emotions starts with working with your senses. A typical Gestalt therapy exercise is to close your eyes, become aware of your breathing, how your heart is beating, and where your body touches the chair. Using your senses in this way then opens the door to your emotions, because the sensory and emotional parts of the brain are next to each other. 

Being yourself means you accept all the parts you’re made up of. So you should take responsibility for what has happened in your life, your feelings, your actions, etc. You recognise that though you may not be able to change what has happened or is happening, you have power over your reaction to it. A basic way in which to start doing this is by using “I”-language. Instead of saying “you are making me mad”, you say, “I feel mad when that happens”. Taking responsibility can also include recognising the role that you play in the lives of others. 

The parts you’re made up of (or roles you fulfil), each reflect the core of who you are, the things that make you unique. But you don’t react the same way in every part/role. For instance, you may be a great play therapist, but when you function as a mother, you sometimes forget what to do, how to stay calm, because you’re more emotionally involved in that setting. And you should realise that this is OK.

When working with very young children, the focus is their emotions. They’re too young to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing. So instead, they’re taught how to handle and manage their emotions. This is done by teaching them that all feelings are accepted, but actions must be limited. The feeling is not a problem, it’s what you do with the feeling that makes it a problem or not. For example, many parents struggle with their three to six-year-olds, saying that they’re angry and out of control and hurt other children. So during therapy, Lianca will use emoji stickers to get the child to indicate their emotion, why they are feeling that way and where the feeling sits in their body. If the anger could talk, what would it say? Anger is a secondary emotion, and another feeling is usually hiding behind it. So the child will say something like “The anger says, I hate my baby sister”. The feeling will then be accepted with a statement like, “It sounds like your baby sister is making your life a bit challenging?” To which the child will respond, “She always gets all the attention from mommy!” 

The fact that the child has less time with his/her mother because of the baby is acknowledged, and the child is asked what he/she usually does when he/she gets angry. The child will say that he/she hits things, and will then be asked what they could rather do instead of hitting things. Ideas will be collected, and rules will be set e.g. when I’m angry, I’m not allowed to hit my sister or say bad words, but I can do x, y and z. The child’s parents are also taught how to diffuse the child’s emotions and help them expand their emotional vocabulary even before an outburst can happen. So parents also have to take a lot of responsibility in the process, and a big part of that is being present and aware of their own feelings too. 

With older children and teenagers, they will be given more responsibility during the play therapy. When there’s unfinished business, a dialogue is necessary. For teenagers, the biggest issue is typical that they feel like they’re not being heard, and their feelings are not being acknowledged or understood. Also, parents often don’t realise that they should make a shift from parenting a child to mentoring their tween (age 10-12) or teenager, and then transition to friendship. When this happens, the parent tries to handle the perceived problem such as a tantrum or the slamming of a door, instead of getting to the real problem. The teenager doesn’t feel connected to the parent and refuses to share. So parents must first focus on connection and then on correction.

During therapy with a teenager, the focus will be on diffusion of the emotions. He/she will have to picture his/her parent in an empty chair where there’s a picture or other kind of substitute for the parent, to connect the process with an emotion. Then a dialogue will be had, where emotions are let out. Children and teenagers are very able to move past something when they feel that it has been handled. With adults, it is not that straightforward, because they will say they’re OK when they’re not. 

Following the dialogue, the teenager will be taught how to take responsibility for their own emotions. What can be done when this incident occurs again? How they can approach their parents. Communication skills are taught, so the teen can safely share feelings without feeling guilty or making it about the other party. 

A technique used in Imago therapy is to work on appreciation, linking it with an emotion, going into the opposite emotion, and then trying to resolve that. For example, “Hello Dad, I like it when you spend time with me. It makes me feel special. A time that you don’t make me feel special is when you’re working all the time and not spending time with me. That makes me feel like I’m not important. I need you to spend more time with me.” 
Depending on the child’s temperament, the parent will sometimes physically be in the session. 

Parents are taught that a child or teenager’s behaviour will not improve if they don’t feel better. So it’s important to help them feel better. Their feelings should be accepted and then managed.

Lianca says her work has changed her through the realisation that we’re all only human. We’re going to make mistakes and hurt each other. It’s OK, as long as we learn from it and grow because of it. Life should be embraced with all of its curveballs. All feelings should be acknowledged and accepted. We should be ourselves, with all our feelings, within our circumstances, and then grow in order to help ourselves and others. We will change the world by caring for ourselves and others. 

Many people don’t know how to accept negative feelings and manage the effect of others’ negative feelings on them. For instance, parents struggle to overcome their feelings when a child is defiant. Knowing and understanding something doesn’t mean we will implement it perfectly because we’re not perfect. The best we can do is to try and do better! 

Lianca’s superpower is being joyful and sharing joy, even when life is difficult. She tries to teach her clients that joy is always a choice. 

You can reach Lianca at: 
072 123 6683
lianca@spelterapie.co.za
She also does Zoom sessions.