Mindset Matters - Episode #161 - The Real Reasons Behind Every Fight: It’s Not What You Think

In this week’s episode of Mindset Matters, Patrick and Steffany explore the dynamics of conflict in relationships, asking the pivotal question: What are we fighting for? Instead of focusing on surface-level disagreements, they dive into the underlying needs, emotions, and assumptions that often drive conflicts. Whether it’s about missed calls, unacknowledged efforts, or unmet expectations, they reflect on how these issues are rarely about the specifics and more about the emotional undercurrents.

The hosts highlight three common reasons for conflict: the need for care and closeness, respect and recognition, and power and control. They candidly share examples from their own relationship, from text messages sparking misunderstandings to humorous anecdotes about dog poop duty and misplaced laundry baskets. These stories illustrate how seemingly trivial issues can represent deeper emotional needs, like trust, autonomy, and validation.

Patrick and Steffany also discuss how unspoken assumptions and unmet expectations can escalate conflicts. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and honest communication in navigating disagreements. For instance, a partner may feel frustrated over an unanswered text, but the real issue might be a desire for reassurance or connection. By shifting the focus from “What are we fighting about?” to “What are we fighting for?” couples can move beyond reactive arguments to meaningful conversations.

The episode underscores that conflict, when approached with curiosity and humility, can become an opportunity for growth. Patrick and Steffany encourage listeners to examine their own patterns, articulate their needs, and recognize the efforts of their partners. With humor and wisdom, they remind us that fighting for understanding and intimacy is far more rewarding than getting stuck in the details of what sparked the fight.