Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 10- Attachment Injuries

Episode 10: Attachment Injuries

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it.

 

Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done.

 

Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years.

 

Minutes 5-10:

The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years.

 

At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired.

 

Minutes 10-15:

This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance.

 

There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard.

 

Minutes 15-20:

This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy.

 

It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal.

 

Minutes 20-25:

From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention.

 

Connect Point:

Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner.

 

To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com