EP 8- Making Assumptions: How to Avoid the Trap, Speak Life, Live Truth Accountability Series Part 2. Stop Playing Mad libs with your life. Get that voice out of your own head

EP 8- Making Assumptions: How to Avoid the Trap, Speak Life, Live Truth Accountability Series Part 2. Stop Playing Mad libs with your life. Get that voice out of your own head

We're going to talk today about assuming and particularly we're going to talk about assuming positive intent. Okay. So you know what the word means. Okay. I've been alluding to it. It makes an a** out of U and ME to assume. It makes a donkey out of you and me the A S S and then the U and then the M E. 

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Hey ladies, welcome to part two of the accountability series. And this one is on the word assume now, you know what that word means, right? Well, if you don't take a listen

All right. Let's jump right into it. We're going to talk today about assuming and particularly we're going to talk about assuming positive intent. Okay. So you know what the word means. Okay. I've been alluding to it. It makes an a** out of U and ME to assume, okay. It makes a donkey out of you and me the A S S and then the U and then the M E. Okay.

So in general, it's a great idea, not to assume, but here's a situation in which you want to assume something. We're going to talk today about the technique that you can use in any situation at any point in time, that will help you move on and see things in a way that will be most beneficial to the situation to that person and to you and to the outcomes that you're looking for. All right.

So assuming positive intent, this is the belief that everyone is always doing the best they can given their current resources, current circumstances, current level of education, current knowledge set, current thinking in any given situation. Okay? So when the, what it means to assume positive intent is that we are assuming that anything that happens in an interaction between you and another person, you're going to assume that that person meant positive intent. You're going to assume that that person had positive, positive intent for that situation. We're going to give the benefit of the doubt. We're going to listen rather than judge, when we're going to assume that they intended well versus judging a particular action. So assuming positive intent, it is leads to a better result. It shows respect for those. We are with those we're interacting with people that we're serving. It shows respect to our kids.

It shows respect to her husband. If everything my husband does and says, I am assuming that he has positive intent for that situation conversation. Then my perspective on that changes, okay. My actions in response to that situation changes. So why do we want to do this? What is the benefit of this? Well, I'm going to tell you. Okay. All right.

 So let's, first of all, think about this scenario. Let's say you walk up into the break room or into an office or into the church and you see two people whispering. And when you approach, they stop Whispering. So At that point, you've got information about a situation. You've seen two people that, you know, whispering, and when you walk up, they stop Whispering. So, You have a choice at that point to manage your thoughts about that situation. Okay. Here, here is what you could do

Say that you start thinking about, Oh my gosh, what were they just whispering about? Like, what were they talking about? Why did they stop talking? When I came up, were they talking about me? I'm

I can't believe them. They're horrible. We're in church for the love of God. I can't believe they're sitting here talking about me. Okay. How many times have you gone down that rabbit hole? How many times have you approached a situation in a break room where you see two people whispering about each other or whispering to each other, and then when you walk in, they stop or maybe they're laughing and you start thinking, Oh my Gosh, are they laughing at me? Like, what are they talking about? Do I have something on my face? Is my dress up my, okay, y'all ladies. How many of this has happened? Where you come out of the bathroom? And you're a little sweater that you had on is like tucked into your pants. Okay. Or toilet paper hanging out of your back. Do you start to think those kinds of things when people are, when you're faced with this situation? So think about this.

So how could those thoughts they're talking about me? I can't believe them. They're horrible. How could they be talking and gossiping about people in church? How does that affect or impact your current interactions with those two people or impact the future interactions you might have with those two people? How does the, how do those thoughts impact your words and your actions and your thoughts about those two people or about that?

Think about it.

Okay. What about if, instead of thinking all those things we just talked about, what about if, instead you start to say to yourself, well, they must've been talking about something private, or I know she mentioned having something going on at home with her husband or her or

Her daughter, or, you know,

What, if you just thought, well, they weren't talking about me. How do those thoughts change the way that you interpret or perceive that interaction? How did those thoughts change your current response or your future thoughts about those people or that interaction in the future? How, how does, how does the difference of those thoughts? So that's the difference between assuming positive

Intent or Allowing the negative thoughts in your mind? The way that you define the situation, whether it's based in truth or not, whether you define that in those negative thoughts, how that can impact your relationships in a very negative way. So when you're approached with something like this, you have the choice to manage your thoughts. Okay? Number one, manage your thoughts. If you start thinking all of these negative things. Oh, well, she's been, always been talking about me for a couple of weeks. She's she's been trying to get her against me. I mean, guys, those are thoughts that are damaging and they may not be true on top of it. So not only are you responding to a situation that will define the way in which you perceive or define that story of what's happening, which then Impacts your

Future or current behaviors, you might be doing all of that. And it's all false. It's all made up. You don't

Know, so You can manage your thoughts.

The other thing is that you can say something to help define the story with truth from the other people that are involved. So let's think about this situation. You walk up on somebody they're whispering. They stopped talking when you came up. So you can say something, you can say, Hey guys, what's up. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Was it where you're all talking about something private? Do you need a minute to finish?

How simple is that?

Giving them the benefit of the doubt that they were just talking about something private that they can't

Share with you, or don't need to share it with you. You can ask a direct question. That's another thing you can do. You can ask,

Hey, where are you guys talking about me? If that's what you truly think

Is happening. Now, the

Key to this asking these questions are that once they give you the answer, you have to make the choice to believe what they say in response as the truth. You can't ask the question and then continue to have that, those thoughts that are telling you what The real reality Is, right? Cause you're still making up that story. So let's say, they say, Oh no, we were, we were, you were good. You know, you can join us. We were just talking about Tacos on Thursday night. Okay? At that point you have

Think the answer and you have a choice to believe that answer.

You have a choice At that point. So believe that answer to accept something that has been shown to you.

You have the, you have the choice now to accept that, to have the faith, that, that thing is true. You have the choice now under

Understand that whatever you choose to believe about that interaction will play a significant role in how you perceive every interaction from that point forward. So let's say, they say, Oh no, we were talking about, you know, tacos on Thursday night. If you choose to believe that that's true. It's going to be really hard for you to have hard feelings and thoughts about them. That will then turn into interactions, uh, that create, uh, uh, bad or uncomfortable situation because who doesn't react well to taco Thursdays. Okay. Unless you start to get into, why didn't you invite me to taco Thursday? I left taco Tuesday taco Thursday, right? Okay. But you see what I'm saying? Like at that point when

You do, if you choose

Not to just manage your own thoughts and instead take an action and ask them something, ask them a direct question. Okay. Or say something, then you then have another choice to believe what it is. They said you can't then in your head say, Oh no, they weren't talking about talking Tuesday. They're lying to me because then you're still playing that story. And that's still going to impact your future interactions from that point forward. Okay. So you have a choice when you are dealing with anyone in any interaction. And if you choose to always assume positive intent with what it is they're doing and saying, if you believe truly that people are always acting in a way that is to the best of their ability in that given situation, then it makes it a lot easier for you to have more grace for people to have forgiveness for people to allow a little bit of mercy when interactions don't go, as they could have or would have, or should have.

Okay. So even let's say this, let's see.

So that you're in that situation and you overhear them and maybe you're putting two and two together and you feel like they were talking about something they shouldn't have been talking about. Let's just say, that's the case. You still have a choice to assume positive intent because regardless of their truth, whatever they were doing, your thoughts Controls how it Is. You respond and behave And act. Nothing

Happens in behavior or actions that doesn't come first from a thought in your head Okay?

Our actions, our responses, our behaviors come from thoughts. So if we make a commitment to practice this skill of always assuming positive intent, then it becomes a very, very difficult For us to take offense, which leads into a Whole bunch of other stuff. That's actually a next episode in this accountability,

The series is to take offense or not to take offense

Or not take offense. That is the question, Right?

So let's see,Just say, cause I hear some of you saying, well, what if they, if they want to, if they weren't being negative, what if they weren't didn't have the best intent at heart?

Here's what I say to that. Who cares? Who cares? Is it

Something that's important enough to address? If it is then say something and ask questions and then from there, their responses you'll have to make a choice on whether or not you're satisfied with those answers or not. And just be aware that if you choose to believe it, and it's, they're saying no night, w we didn't mean anything by it. No, we, I didn't mean to offend you, whatever it is, whatever the answer is, if you can choose to believe that truth, and then your actions can be based off of that, or you can choose to believe that they were lying, or they were not telling the truth, or they were trying to be ugly. Just know that whatever it is, you choose to believe, whatever it is that you define that story as that will impact your next interaction and the next interaction and the next interaction, your thought life around what happens in every single interaction will define how you behave in the next or how you perceive in the next

Interaction. So let's say,

So back to that, let's say that, you know, you let's say that you really, in your heart feel like somebody doing something with mal-intent doing something that they weren't in there. They weren't a SU you know, we're, we're not going to assume a positive intent because we know that they weren't, here's my challenge to you. Even if that's the case, unless we're talking about they're hurting someone or it's unsafe, then you say something, then you address it, then you advocate, okay, you do those things. But if it's something that you can just in your mind, in your thoughts, say, I'm assuming that he didn't mean it that way. I'm assuming that she didn't mean it that way. That's still impacts the way that you can love on that person next time, or receive that person next time. I'm going to give you an example. I do this all the time, all the time with my children and my husband, those that we're closest to, we know that unconditional love is there.

So sometimes our behaviors and actions are a little bit more laxed, not so polished. Okay. Sometimes we lash out at the people that we love most because we know that they're going to be there. Okay. Not saying that it's right. Or am I the only one? Do I see anybody else of my girls raising their hand that they do this too? Because I do this too. But what I try to do is when an interaction has occurred, that did not go well, I, in my mind will say, well, he just doesn't have the skill set that he needs to communicate in that way, in the way that I would have received that. Well, now that may or may not be true. But if that helps me be a little bit more forgiving or give him a little bit more grace, then that's what I'm going to tell myself, because I still have to respond in a way that's loving.

That's forgiving. That's graceful. Okay. I still have to, except those times where I maybe didn't assume positive intent. And so I reacted to something that he didn't intend on the flip side. How many of you guys have ever been in an interaction where somebody became offended with something you did or said, and that was not at all what you intended to do. I mean, I, as a leader and forever saying to people, I did not intend to make you feel that way. If I ever make you feel a certain way, that's not good. I want you to tell me because I promise you, I never, in any interaction intend to make you feel bad or guilty or shameful or less than that's never my heart's intent. So a step beyond assuming positive intent is to explain or preface yourself with people to let them know.

Listen, I would never intend to make you feel any of those things, because that's not what my heart is for you or for people, for anyone. I would never want anyone to think. I would intentionally hurt them with my words or actions. Now, do I hurt people with my words and action? Yeah, we all do. But imagine if we all walked around here, assuming positive intent with everyone that we came in contact with, if we were all walking around, assuming positive intent of others, then, and we defined our interactions. That way we created the stories in our head to be in alignment with, Oh, he's just doing the best he can with what he's got. She's just doing the best she can with everything she's got going on. She didn't intend that for me in that way. She didn't mean for me to feel that way.

Isn't it true that we could just choose to believe that and move on instead of choosing to take offense. So I challenge you today to think about the last poor interaction you had with someone and think about what your thoughts were in that situation and what you could do to change those thoughts in your head, so that it made you feel a different way and maybe act or respond in a different way. That's my challenge to you. And today, when you're having your interactions with your husband, your friends, your coworkers, your boss, I want you to think about if you have that spirit of offense or that, that thought life that starts to get into that negative space, where it starts to direct your feelings towards someone or something. And then you think about actions or words you could take that may or may not create that positive interactions.

I challenge you to stop and think about this and twisted around to think about assuming positive intent for that person and what that person intended was to be a positive outcome. And what would you do if that was the case? All right, ladies, that's it on assuming positive and attend. The next episode in this series will be about offense. This one is going to be a hard one, but it's relative to what we need to be thinking about in order to become our best serve self, to serve others in a way that we're intended to serve. And it always starts with us again, that accountability too, if I did, or felt or thought something different, would that change the nature of this relationship and most of the time it's yes. Okay. One clarification ladies, I am not talking about situations in which you know, all of the facts where someone is hurting someone else, making an unsafe situation for someone bullying, abusing, taking advantage of if you are.

I'm talking about situations in this episode about conversations, interactions that we don't have. All the details to that we are using assumption to create. They get we're playing mad libs with our assumptions. You know what that game mad libs, where you had to fill in a noun here, a verb here, an adjective here, you remember that game where at the end of the story, you could have had a million different stories because you're adding in different words without having all of the facts, you don't have the story in front of you, right? You're just giving nouns for adjectives, pronouns, whatever. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about situations in which you don't have all the facts and you're making assumptions to fill in the gaps of the story, which then creates that thoughts life that then creates your feelings and your actions and your words in response to those things.

Okay? If someone is in a harmful situation, then you do what you do. You advocate you step in, you intervene. You say something, but this is for situations where you are already making assumptions about the situation. So what I'm challenging you to do is make assumptions that they are doing the best they can under the circumstances that they're in assume positive intent in those situations where you don't have all the facts. Okay. Makes sense. Good. Okay. Next episode is going to be about to take offense or not take offense. That is the question we're going to deal with. We're also going to deal with another episode in this series on forgiveness. And then finally we are going to deal with gossip. Now, I don't know if there'll be in that order, but I think it's important because all of this stuff of being accountable, assuming positive intent, gossip, taking offense and forgiveness, all those things are things that really hold us back as powerful women. And I'm not about that anymore. I'm not about to be held back because I'm standing in my own way, SIS. And I don't want you to do that either. So I will see you on the inside. So come ready, come open, come willing, and let's do it.

Hey! before you go, I'd love for you to hop over to my podcast and give me a review. And you know, I love five stars.

That's how we can share this thing with other women, just like us. You're five stars and written review really helps me get the word out. You can also take a screenshot of this episode and tag me in your Insta and Facebook stories. And I'll give you a shout out right back, leaving a review and sharing this episode is the best way you can show me some left. Thanks so much. And I'll see you in the next episode. And remember your smile is like a boomerang, throw one at somebody and it'll come right back.

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