Ep 7 Dementia Unmasked: Caregiver Secrets for Navigating Aggression and Calm

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support and resources for caregivers of loved ones. I'm your host, Reginald Reglus and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver. I have been serving my mom for about 10 years after she was diagnosed with dementia. As usual let me remind you that I say that to impress upon you that I personally understand the challenges of caregiving.
Today, we’re diving into a topic that’s familiar, challenging, and deeply personal for many of us: how to handle anger and aggression from someone you love who is living with dementia.
As caregivers, we often face moments where those we care for suddenly seem different—angrier, more frustrated, or even aggressive. It can be heartbreaking and unsettling, but understanding why this happens is essential. So, what causes these episodes? There are numerous triggers that can spark aggression or anger in a person with dementia. Physical discomfort is a major one—pain they can’t express, hunger, or exhaustion can easily tip them into a state of agitation. A noisy or overstimulating environment can also be overwhelming. Imagine feeling confused, not knowing where you are, and then hearing multiple voices at once—it’s no wonder frustration can bubble over.
Other causes might include medical side effects, unmet needs like thirst or needing to use the bathroom, or emotional triggers such as fear or confusion. And sometimes, it’s the sheer unfamiliarity of surroundings or faces, even those they know and love, that sparks anger. I remember countless times when my mom would suddenly look at me without recognition. The disorientation she felt must have been profound, and it shifted her mood from calm to defensive in moments.
So, what do we do as caregivers when aggression arises? First, it’s crucial to recognize that it’s not truly the person you love who’s behaving this way—it’s the disease. It’s dementia’s way of showing itself, not a reflection of their heart. Putting on your investigator hat, not your judgment hat, can be transformative. Approach these moments like a detective: What could be causing this reaction? Is it pain? Is the environment too loud? Is something scaring them? This perspective allows you to focus on finding a solution rather than reacting emotionally.
I learned firsthand that sometimes, the best thing you can do is take a step back. When my mom would shout at me or tell me to leave, I took a breath and listened to what she needed—even if that meant giving her space. I would walk out, give it five to seven minutes, and come back in with a fresh “Hi.” To my amazement, it was like pressing a reset button. Her face would soften, and she’d greet me as if that burst of aggression hadn’t happened. It wasn’t just a trick; it was an essential tool that helped maintain peace in our home and preserve my own emotional stability.
Here are four smart ways to respond:
Number 1, Focus on feelings, not the facts. Instead of focusing on specific details, think about your loved one’s emotions. Earnestly search for the feelings behind the words or actions. Think about what happened immediately before this behavior started.
Number 2, Even if you find yourself feeling upset, do not let it come through in your tone or your face. Remain calm, at least on the outside. If you lose it, more times than not, you will cause the situation to escalate.Limit distractions. Examine the person's surroundings, and adapt them to avoid similar situations.
Number 3, Try to distract them from the immediate behavior. Change the subject to something you know they enjoy or that you know will shift their attention.
Number 4, Be creative. Each person is different and if you are creative you will find a number of different things that work specifically for your loved one.

And caregivers, remember this: while it’s important to stay calm and curious, it’s equally vital to protect yourself. Aggression, even if it’s from the disease, shouldn’t mean you accept being hurt. You deserve safety and respect. If you ever find yourself in a physically dangerous situation, step away, call for help, or take any measures needed to keep yourself safe.
Lastly, don’t forget to breathe. One deep breath can make a difference between reacting and responding. You are navigating the complex waters of caregiving, and each challenge you face is met with strength that you might not even realize you have. And on those days when it feels overwhelming, remember that you’re not alone. I’ve been in your shoes, I see you, and together, we’ll keep sharing these Caregiver Secrets to help each other thrive.
Thank you for tuning in today. Take care of yourselves, take that breath, and keep being the compassionate detective your loved one needs. This is Reginald Reglus and I trust you will join me and tell a friend about our podcast, Caregiving secrets. Spread the word! See you next time.