Ep 42 | How to Set Boundaries as a People Pleaser

This week, let's talk about 5 Ways to Set Boundaries as a People Pleaser

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

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Transcript:

Speaker 1: (00:00)
In today's episode, we're gonna talk about one of my favorite things to talk about boundaries. This is especially for you, all the people pleasers of the world. Some of us though, I'm throwing myself into this bucket. Our people pleasers only with certain people in certain situations. Hmm, abusive situations or just, it could be in your work environment, you're like that. Maybe it's just with family because there's history there, or you have fears or have to walk on eggshell so you become maybe more of a PE people pleaser in certain areas of life. Either way, this podcast is for you.

Speaker 1: (00:40)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Kristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and free. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.

Speaker 1: (01:37)
All right, queen bees, you're ready. Let's dive into the four ways to help you scooch along in your little boundary journey. Boundaries is such, it feels like such a harsh word. It doesn't have to be, to me, boundaries are a way. You are protecting your peace. You're not like doing wrong to anybody. You are doing good things for yourself and your life. Keeping in alignment with what you want in your life and what you deserve in your life. So you should never feel bad or have guilt around boundaries. And there are beautiful ways to express your boundaries. You don't have to be harsh but firm. Yes, that doesn't always mean you have to be like aggressive or harsh, but you wanna hold those boundaries in a solid firm way so that you stick to them. And the more you stick to your boundaries, the more people expect you to have and hold boundaries, which we love.

Speaker 1: (02:31)
By the way, if you don't know I have a Boundaries course, I will put the link in my show notes, aka podcast description. It is 10 whole exciting videos that you can do at your pace. They basically like drip out every week and then you can, you know, listen to them as you please. I try not to put them all in cuz nobody needs to listen to 10 boundary videos in one week, but they drop out every week, drip, drop, whatever word you wanna use. They Dr. Itty drop out every week and then after that you have them for a lifetime. Isn't that exciting? So if you really wanna go deeper on boundaries, then check that out. It is a, ugh, it's just an awesome, awesome course. I highly recommend it. I may be biased. All right, let's dive in. So as a people pleaser, setting firm boundaries can be challenging, right?

Speaker 1: (03:25)
We wanna please everybody or maybe, like I said, it's just certain people in your life. That was my case. I wasn't really a people pleaser to every single person that I ever met in my life, but certain people in my family, certain relationships, like romantic relationship, one of them I had, I was a super people pleaser in that one. Um, so it depends on the situation, right? But as a people pleaser in whatever way, it can be challenging to set boundaries with the person that you are people pleaser ring to. Is that a word? But you need to set these boundaries because we're trying to have peace and joy here. And you with, let me just back up. That's me re rewinding. If you do not have firm strong boundaries in your life, in alignment with what you want out of life, you are no not going to be able to get or maintain the things you want in life.

Speaker 1: (04:20)
And for us, that's peace, that's joy, that's freedom. All the things that we really truly desire and want after narcissistic abuse or any type of abuse or what we all deserve, right? So we wanna be shiny happy people. So here are four strategies to help you do that. Number one, recognize and prioritize your own needs. So you need to sit down with yourself. You need to set some time aside. This is a priority. This is the number one thing with boundaries that I actually do with my clients. You sit down and I call it a hell yes, hell no list. But you need to think about what you want out of your life. What is in alignment? What's not in alignment? So the hell yes is like, what is working right now? What are the needs that I have that I need to fill? What do, so the ones you already have, that's great, right?

Speaker 1: (05:15)
Or maybe you wanna put on that list too. What would I like to have? What? How would I like to feel? Let's say you are like, I just wanna feel peace. I wanna get away from drama. Write it all down. There's no like wrong or right answers. Here, go with your intuition. This is a brain dump. And then on the hell no side, that's what is not working. Or also what you do not want in your life. Let's say you got out of a an abusive relationship of any kind, okay? Whether it's romantic friendships, family ships, whatever it is, you know, there's something in that relationship that did not work for you and is not okay. You could get really specific with what type of abuse or what. Maybe there were some red flags you ignored, write them down. So you do this brain dump, and this is a whole exercise I do with my clients.

Speaker 1: (06:09)
So if you want to do one-on-one coaching, my link is always there in the show notes too. But understand, it's not selfish to prioritize this, right? Like to look at those priorities and say, I deserve to have all of this. I'm telling you, you're a queen, so you're up in this queendom, you deserve it. Take time to reflect on what it is. So this isn't like you're gonna do it in two minutes, but if you truly want to prioritize your mental health and your wellbeing and feeling good, you need to carve out time to do this stuff, guys. All right, coach Christy's getting sassy. So you require to be balanced and fulfilled. That's a requirement. Now, okay, so what do you have to do? A little work. You gotta do your hell yes and your hell no list. And then we start to build boundaries around those things.

Speaker 1: (06:58)
How do you get from a hell no to a hell yes. You start creating boundaries around that. Hell no. Let's, let's do example time with Kristy. Let's say a hell no in your life is that you live with a relative. Let's say it's an aunt and she is really horrible to you and you feel like you just have to deal with it. I call that's big. Nope, you don't have to deal with it. We can talk about all the ways to not do that, but we're just going from like a zoomed out lens here. So a hell no is your aunt is really mistreating you and horrible and makes fun of you, X, Y, Z. Okay? Every day you've got this strife in your life in order to make that a hell yes. What would that look like? Maybe it would be having a sit down talk to start, which maybe if you're a people pleaser, you have not wanted to even do that because you wanna respect your elders.

Speaker 1: (07:54)
I don't know. There's all these different reasons we give ourselves to not have talks with people or it could look like I really want her out, but I don't know how to do that. And then we can go there, right? This is when you work with therapists or coaches to achieve these things. But we're just talking zoomed out what a boundary may look like. It's something you wanna set, it's a goal of a boundary. And then we can take those little sparkle steps to actually get to that boundary where you actually can place the boundary and go from there. Again, my boundary course goes through all of this and the conversations you have with people. So the first thing is really getting all of that out though, really getting, what do you prioritize? What do you want? What are the hell yeses? What are the hell nos?

Speaker 1: (08:38)
And you wanna make those hell nos hell yeses one at a time. You can't do it all at once. It's too overwhelming. But you can do it quicker than you think. Sparkle by sparkle. Take one of those hell nos and think, how could I get this to feel better? How could I get closer to setting a real boundary around this so that I can live more peacefully? Ladies and gents, I'm talking today, it is like eight minutes in and we're only on number one. All right, I'll talk faster, fast forward. All right. Number two, you have to communicate a assertively. This does not mean mean, or you're an or you're a, okay? It doesn't, I mean, we can do that too, but you don't have to practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries. So you wanna be clear and direct, okay, all the fluff.

Speaker 1: (09:26)
And I get there's, there's something to be said for the sandwiching of like starting in with, you know, I really appreciate our relationship. And then you go into the meat of the boundary and then you end it with, I hope that we can work this out, right? That's okay, but trying to give all these excuses and details and fluffy language, no, we gotta be real direct. So an example of this would be, I really love the fun we have together. I think we have a great friendship, okay? There's sandwich, bread, bread piece number one. It's all fluffy and happy. Meet and boundaries is, I really, you have to be very specific too. I do not appreciate you talking down to me or yelling at me. Um, I, I really need that to stop in order for us to have a relationship. And then the fluffy end of the other sandwich.

Speaker 1: (10:15)
I hope that we can work this out because like I said, I really do enjoy the fun times with you, but this is something that I need for us to maintain our relationship. Get it? So you sweeten you get direct very specific. So it's not like they're wondering what does she mean? Like, don't be mean to me. Well that's, that can be perspective in a way, right? So it's like, what specifically, don't yell at me or don't talk down to me, or don't call me names, whatever. I mean, should we be friends with these people? Anyway? I don't know. I'm just giving examples here. I, I like to give people a chance to make things right? I like to think people don't always see what they do, right? So I know like I had a friend, you know, maybe she was just extra loud, maybe she yelled, you know, it's just part of who she was.

Speaker 1: (11:05)
But the intention behind it started to, to me off. And it felt very like she was putting me down and talking down to me and like condescending and, and yelling. And I was just like, you know what? I'm like 30 something years old. I don't need. So I had to talk with her. Did it end well, maybe not, but it could have with somebody else. Maybe there's somebody who would've said, you know what? You're right. I'm gonna work on that because I love you and I want our relationship to last, right? So that's just an example of how you can communicate assertively and directly without having to feel like you're an. Another example is if someone's kind of smothering or just being a little much, and look, we all go through our. Let's say you feel like you just need a little space.

Speaker 1: (11:47)
You can say, I love spending time with you, but tonight I really need some space to recharge. Instead of saying, you never give me any space, or you're always up my, right? Saying those I need or I want is so much better than pointing a finger and saying, you, this is really beneficial in conversations like this. That being said, side note, if someone is really abusive, I mean the, it takes the cake, right? I'm talking about, let's say you're out of a, an abusive situation. You're looking for new friendships, new romantic ships, , new family ships, all the ships. You can really start to know how to have these, um, conversations, healthy conversations. If you, if you are still with someone who is very abusive to you, my advice is always to get out of those situations. It is going no contact. Uh, if you have to co-parent, then it's gray rock method.

Speaker 1: (12:43)
There are go, go search and binge my episodes about those. There's no contact and gray, gray rock method, um, episodes if you need that. But most of you here listening are from abusive situations that you are almost out of or out of. And this is especially for you preparing for moving forward. So you don't attract or not attract, but you don't end up in situations like you did in the past. In order to not end up in those relationships, we need to have firm boundaries. Number three, just say no. Saying no can be hard too for you people pleasers, I know it. Um, especially with certain dominant personalities, you might feel even worse saying, no, you're scared. We don't wanna be scared of people. First of all, if there's certain people who feel really like walking on eggs, shellies and nervous, you're gonna upset them.

Speaker 1: (13:38)
Evaluate those uh, ships if you will. But to establish boundaries, you have to learn to say no and it's okay. Don't feel guilty. It's okay to decline requests or invitations that do not align with your priorities or your values, right? This is what we're trying to create a life of joy, peace, freedom. If something comes into your life that you have a choice, whether you feel like it or not, you do, okay? But you have a choice to say yes to something or no, we need to practice saying more nos to things that just don't feel right or good to us. Okay? I'm giving you full permission. Tell 'em say, oh yeah, coach Kristy gave me permission. All right? So go talk to her about it. Tell 'em give 'em my email address. I'm all ears and I want you to hear me out, okay?

Speaker 1: (14:33)
I want, if nothing else from this podcast hits you in your heart, I want it to be this no is not a rejection of others, okay? It is a way of honoring yourself. I'm gonna say it one more time for the people in the back. Get ready. I'm gonna get louder. Remember just kidding. Remember saying no is not a rejection of others. It is a way of honoring you. So practice by saying it kind and respectful. Do your little sandwich if do, if you have to offer alternatives if possible. Like, no, I don't wanna take care of your dog for five days, but I would love to send you a package of biscuits for him. I don't know, that was a horrible one, but that's all I got right now. Okay, here's a real one that I've done. I had to choose one engagement over another, not like marriage engagement, but an event over another.

Speaker 1: (15:31)
And so I said to the one person that I did not choose, I said, I cannot come to your birthday party, but I would love to take you out for a birthday cocktail or dinner next week. Boom. Okay, so you, you get it. Or if you didn't wanna spend that time and energy, maybe on that person could say, thank you so much for the invite and here's a picture of me in my that, I mean, that's nice. I'm joking, I'm joking. This one I love so much. And actually there's a book called The Best Yes, by somebody , I'm always so helpful, aren't I? It's like Lisa k, that's not it. But if you look up on Amazon the best, yes, Lisa or Lisa, I think it's spelled with a y, something with a K at the end, I don't know. It's a Lisa and she has a best yes to talk about and it's a little religious, so if you're not into that, you're not into it but you can overlook it and get a lot from the book anyway.

Speaker 1: (16:28)
But it's really about saying yes to yourself and I just freaking love this book. It helped me set limits on my availability. That is number four. Setting limits on your availability. So defining clear limits on your time. This is like, I feel like this is one of those self boundaries too because if you don't, it's like, it's like it's not other people's fault if you are not even managing your time and you're not even valuing your own time. You know what I mean? You gotta be like having my own business. I gotta set my own hours. I do make exceptions occasionally and I feel good doing that. But there's some people that'll, you know, have their own business and they just work around the clock and around the clock and people expect them to answer emails in the middle of the night or whatever. So that's just an example of a business owner.

Speaker 1: (17:15)
But there's so many things like that where you become available to everybody and you need to set more realistic expectations with others about when you can or want to be available. So do this around your work hours, your social engagement and obviously the personal time. So this is another protection bubble, like this is really important and it was a game changer for me in my business. I struggled in the beginning cuz I'm like, oh well you know, you wanna get those clients and you want this and that. So sometimes with certain situations I think it's okay to occasionally, I don't wanna say break a boundary, but do something that feels right. Like there were certain clients I really wanted to work with that I loved and they were in totally different, different time zone. So I'm like, well I'll make one exception where I'll work one evening a week at five instead of ending at five, right?

Speaker 1: (18:11)
And pushed it a little like that's a real thing that happened. So you know, you have to listen your own intuition, but you can't get it. Let it get outta hand. So protect your time. And this is essential for self-care. We have all the self-care talk in like so many episodes and this is just an another way of caring for yourself, like carving out the time. I'm gonna do a whole other um, episode on intentional planning because when you actually sit there and block out time like a boss, like a boss's boss's boss with a queen boss, when you block out time for like, this is my work hours, this is my 30 minutes a day, I'm going to read a trashy novel. This is my 20 minutes at night, I'm going to sit in that lavender bath and blow bubbles and sing at the top of my lungs.

Speaker 1: (19:03)
Like you have to carve out the time. And when you do that so intentionally, you know when you're not doing that, right? So you're not gonna answer the phone when you know, this is my block plan, this is my block plan, I can't speak, this is my plan for this block of time, right? So I'll go into all of that in like I said another episode. But that's showing that intention of setting limits. And that's part of it is by planning. I love, I love a good planner. Anyone else? I want you guys to email me, okay? Fierce mama. See gmail.com. It's always in my show notes. I want you to tell me, do you prefer a paper planner where you can like touch it and hold it and put stickers all over it? And do, do, do, I dunno what that last part was.

Speaker 1: (19:50)
Or do you like a digital planner where it's all synced up to your phone and your laptop and your cousin's toe? Okay, I want you to tell me that in your email. I'd just like to know. And speaking of that, I think I'm gonna have an upcoming episode. All these episode ideas coming on planning because I have discovered a very exciting new, uh, it's a new way of planning that's like kind of like paper planner meets digital planner. I think I found, I think I finally found my planner love. I created my own planners by the way. So if you like paper planners, which I do, I use my own planner every day in my show notes. God, a lot of show notes calling out, look at me, I'm just promoting the outta myself today. But hey, I got some good. So I have a journal, but I also have a planner pad that has a to-do list.

Speaker 1: (20:44)
So it's got the top three priorities, it's got the to-dos for the day, then it's got a little block for gratitude and then it's got a little other dreams and plans block. I'm looking at it right now. I'm like reading down the list. My a d d doesn't let me remember all this. Um, and on the front, that's the back, the front has an hourly schedule that goes down the left side of the page and then it's broken out across horizontally. I have my dad's New York accent for a second horizontally. I got it horizontally where you, I have like my schedule is the first one. Then I have like my daughter's schedule, my husband's schedule. And this is great if you have multiple kids, you can see where everyone is like all at once. I freaking love it. I designed it and I love it.

Speaker 1: (21:30)
And then you have a little block for your self-care that you have to write in every day at the top of the page. What's your self-care for the day? So there that is. I think that's enough. Babbles. This is a good one. This is a long one. I hope you enjoy it because I did skip last the last two Thursdays. So you have time, you have time to listen to this whole binge of a show today and next week. Next week I think I'll be able to do two. This is my zero F summer, so I'm doing exactly what I wanna do when I wanna do it. And it's beautiful. You should try it. So fun. All right, I hope you guys are wonderful before we go. You know what time it is hand to heart. Okay, let's see. Ah, let's think about those boundaries. Yes. Number one, I am worthy of boundaries. Repeat it sister.

Speaker 2: (22:17)
I am worthy of boundaries.

Speaker 1: (22:21)
Second one, I'm going to start creating boundaries. Now

Speaker 2: (22:26)
I am gonna start creating boundaries. Now

Speaker 1: (22:31)
My third's gonna be, I'm gonna stop creepily whispering along with you. I'm gonna stop. I never listen to myself. Last one. I am not a people pleaser. I want us to not attach that to our names anymore. Okay? I wanna let go of that identity. I am not a people pleaser anymore. We can be loving, but we're not gonna please all the people but us. We stop that. Now can I get an amen? Thank you. All right, smooches and Oches and all that jazz. And I'll see you in the next episode.