Getting Close

Trans Thought Leader: The Complex Politics of Being a Man

What can gay men learn from trans men?In this episode of Getting Close, I sit down with my friend Sandy for a very vulnerable conversation about how trans men and cis men exist within the gay community. We dive into masculinity, privilege, and what compassionate inclusion can look like in our spaces. Sandy Gooen is a published and produced writer. He’s currently developing a musical called Twink Piece. He also runs TEMPO (@theetempo), which is an organization for Trans music professionals. His professional and academic background is mostly music and theater, but in his free time, he focuses a lot on gender and LGBT topics. At the root of Sandy’s work is the desire to cultivate belonging and understanding!We get into * Which conversations about transness are oversaturated* Which conversations about transness still need to happen* What gay men don’t know about the trans experience* The different ways that masculinity affects us all* And why gay men only talk to people they’re attracted to, and how to start to change that. Follow Along!Follow Sandy on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/silentwhatFollow Sandy on Substack: Follow Aidan: https://www.instagram.com/aidanwhartonFollow Getting Close: https://www.instagram.com/gettingclosepodChapters(00:00) Introduction(05:20) Growing Up Masculine(10:40) The Early Signs of Difference(16:00) Exploring Gender(21:50) The Carving Out A Space in NYC(27:10) Navigating Gay Spaces as a Trans Man(32:40) The Unspoken Social Rules Inside Queer Spaces(38:00) Why We’re Afraid to Talk About Trans Experiences(43:30) Who Gets to Define Masculinity(49:30) What Connection Between Men Can Look Like This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit gettingclosepod.substack.com/subscribe

Gay Intimacy Researcher: The Hidden Rules of Hookup Culture

How has the internet changed gay s*x, consent, and intimacy?In this episode, Andrew Restieri joins me to discuss the complexities of digital intimacy within gay culture. We discuss how everyone has differing rules about consent, the economy of nude photos, who owns a nude once it’s sent, the rise of hookup apps, and how they affect our in-person experiences. Andrew Restieri is a PhD candidate at Cornell whose research broadly centers on the use of digital technology to facilitate online communities, especially for queer people. His dissertation examines the online sexual practices of gay men and how those practices challenge conventional understandings of intimacy and consent. He also holds a master’s from Johns Hopkins University and a BA from Northwestern. We unpack:🟡 The “economy of nudes” that exists in gay culture.🟡 Why consent online is almost impossible to define.🟡 The uncomfortable question: who owns a nude once it’s sent?🟡 Why digital intimacy and real-life intimacy may now be the same thing.🟡 The surprising reason some men send unsolicited nudes.🟡 The real question behind every app interaction: what do we owe each other?If you’ve ever taken a nude, this episode’s for you.Chapters(00:00) Introduction(02:40) Connection Questions and Personal Insights(04:40) Research Focus: Gay Men’s Digital Practices(07:52) Understanding Consent and Privacy in Digital Spaces(10:08) The Economy of Nudes: Value and Exchange(12:56) Digital vs. In-Person Intimacy: A Blurred Line(15:45) Impact of Hookup Apps on Gay Male Intimacy(18:36) Consent and Boundaries in Digital Interactions(21:12) The Politics of Ownership and Consent(24:32) Navigating Consent in a Diverse Landscape(26:57) Class Politics and Digital Intimacy(33:15) Navigating Boundaries in Gay Digital Spaces(39:24) The Role of Digital Tools in Gay Connections(44:40) Flirting and Intimacy in the Modern Age(47:10) Curiosities and Community ConnectionsFollow Along!Follow Andrew: https://www.instagram.com/andrewrestieriFollow Aidan: https://www.instagram.com/aidanwhartonFollow Getting Close: https://www.instagram.com/gettingclosepod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit gettingclosepod.substack.com/subscribe

Poly-Queer Therapist: How Your Discomfort is Key to Happier Relationships

What if I told you discomfort was the secret to better relationships?In this episode, Rachel Wright joins me to talk about the fascinating way that discomfort can help you have better relationships of any structure. We explore the nuances of modern friendship, letting people down, secret patterns running our relationships, monogamy unlearnings, and the unique way gay couples are more likely to be open vs. poly.Rachel Wright is a distinguished psychotherapist and renowned speaker with expertise in modern relationships, mental health, and sex. With a Master’s Degree in clinical psychology, Rachel has worked with thousands of clients worldwide and has been featured in The New York Times, Women’s Health, Cosmo and more. Rachel currently lives in New York City with her wife and two kids.We unpack:* How to let people down healthily* What gay couples need to do to practice openness better* How ingrained patterns shape shapes the way we love* How non-monogamy can show up in our youth before we have language for it* Whether or not nonmonogamy is a orientation or a preference* And how expanding our distress tolerance can change the way we approach opennessChapters(00:00) Introduction (02:28) Exploring Healthy Communication in Relationships (14:37) The Journey to Becoming a Therapist (17:53) Reflections on Non-Monogamy and Youth Experiences (22:42) Core Beliefs About Relationships and Non-Monogamy (25:00) Unlearning Monogamy and Embracing Discomfort (27:19) Navigating Discomfort in Relationships (29:42) Understanding Non-Monogamy as an Orientation (32:27) Timing and Trust in Non-Monogamous Conversations (34:22) Unpacking Emotional Scripts in Non-Monogamy (37:45) Language and Representation in Non-Monogamous Relationships (42:45) Emotional Depth in Gay Relationships (45:11) Building Distress Tolerance in Non-Monogamy (48:52) Exploring Non-Monogamous Literature (51:39) Celebrating Diverse Relationships and CommunityFollow Along!Follow Rachel: https://www.instagram.com/thewright_rachelFollow Aidan: https://www.instagram.com/aidanwhartonFollow Getting Close: https://www.instagram.com/gettingclosepod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit gettingclosepod.substack.com/subscribe

Andrew Keenan Bolger: The Power of Queer Storytelling & Why It Matters Now

If you could go back in time to Queer, 1996, New York, would you? In this episode, Andrew Keenan-Bolger joins me to do just that through his debut novel Limelight. We unpack why telling queer stories is urgent in this political climate, the importance of chosen family, banned books, magical realism, and what we owe our Queer ancestors. Andrew Keenan-Bolger is an actor, director, author, and filmmaker who starred as Jesse Tuck in Tuck Everlasting and Crutchie in the Newsies on Broadway, among many others. Along with his collaborator, Kate Weatherhead, though, he is the co-creator of the critically acclaimed web series Submissions Only and co-author of the children’s series Jack and Louisa. He is also the author of the upcoming novel, Limelight. We explore: 🟡 What it was like coming of age in post-AIDS New York.🟡 The difference between discomfort and being unsafe.🟡 Why writing flawed queer characters is essential.🟡 What book bans actually cost young people these days.🟡 And how to find and build chosen family later in life.Chapters(00:00 Introduction to Connection and Literature(02:21) Andrew’s Journey and Background(07:04) The Inspiration Behind Limelight(11:21) Exploring Queer History and Identity(18:34) The Role of Magical Realism in Storytelling(23:20) The Importance of Community and Connection(28:06) Navigating Challenges in Queer Literature(32:12) Writing Flawed Characters and Growth(37:14) Surprises in the Writing Process(42:08) Fun and Personal Insights(45:21) Final Thoughts and Community EngagementFollow Along!Follow Andrew: https://instagram.com/keenanbloggerFollow Aidan: https://www.instagram.com/aidanwhartonFollow Getting Close: https://www.instagram.com/gettingclosepod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit gettingclosepod.substack.com/subscribe

Gay Relationship Coach: You’re Doing Dating Backwards & Here’s How to Fix It

Are you fed up with modern dating? In this episode, that’s not just for singles, Trevor Kuhn discusses the challenges of modern courtship, why conflict is essential for relationships, the pitfalls of AI in dating, and why expectations are keeping you single. Trevor Kuhn is a love and relationship coach and matchmaker for gay and queer men. He helps them shift old patterns and build deeper, more intentional connections through 1-on-1 coaching, group workshops, engaging social content, and live events.He explains:🟡 Simple steps to talk to people in person again.🟡 Why conflict is essential in any relationship.🟡 How expectations are the #1 thing keeping folks single. 🟡 Why you should delete Grindr.🟡 The essential work you must do before and during a relationship.P.S. The easiest way for you to get involved: If you haven’t already, please take 20 seconds to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and/or YouTube! It really is the most helpful thing you can do besides listening and telling your friends!Chapters(00:00) Introduction(04:25) How Trev Became A Relationship Coach(10:05) First Date Tips(11:46) Unique Challenges of Modern Gay Dating(14:38) Why Vulnerability is Essential in Dating(16:52) Practical Pick-Up Tips(21:34) How Trev Found Love Through Instagram(25:03) Why You Should Delete Grindr(28:16) AI in Dating Apps(32:07) Our Speed Dating Experience(37:29) How To Prepare for Relationships(38:27) Why You Should Ask Your Friends About Relationships(39:01) Cultivating Belonging and Personal Growth(40:49) Values and Communication in Relationships(43:11) Navigating Conflict and Communication Styles(44:28) Curiosity and Connection in Loneliness(47:10) Community and Collective ActionFollow Along!Follow Trevor: https://instagram.com/lovedaddytrevFollow Aidan: https://www.instagram.com/aidanwhartonFollow Getting Close: https://www.instagram.com/gettingclosepod This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit gettingclosepod.substack.com/subscribe