This is a very unusual episode. It is rare that we would choose to have someone join us on the podcast so close to their crisis – usually our guests come to these conversations with the clarity that a few years' distance can bring. Erin Baker is just weeks on from the death of her partner, James, and still very much living in it. What she offers instead of distance is something rarer: the raw, unfiltered honesty of someone grieving out loud, in real time. A warning – this conversation is powerful and at times very difficult, and...
This is a very unusual episode. It is rare that we would choose to have someone join us on the podcast so close to their crisis – usually our guests come to these conversations with the clarity that a few years' distance can bring. Erin Baker is just weeks on from the death of her partner, James, and still very much living in it. What she offers instead of distance is something rarer: the raw, unfiltered honesty of someone grieving out loud, in real time.
A warning – this conversation is powerful and at times very difficult, and some of the themes may be upsetting.
Erin Baker is one of the most respected motoring journalists in the country – the youngest and only female motoring editor on Fleet Street in her day. But in the autumn of last year, her life came apart. Her partner of thirteen years, James, was diagnosed with an aggressive, terminal brain tumour, and the blows kept coming: her father died, one of her sons was rushed to hospital, the family dog was put down, and a car was written off in a collision with a deer. Wave after wave, all at once. Then, this year, James died. He was 53.
Rather than retreat, Erin made the conscious decision to grieve in public, writing for The Times and keeping a diary on Substack called Postcards from Grief, documenting James's dying, the days since, and the unexpected things his death has taught her. She joins Andy for a conversation about resilience and its limits, about loss and control, about black humour and love, and about what actually carries us through the very worst of it. She is, without a shadow of a doubt, someone we can all learn from.
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FOUR LESSONS FROM ERIN
- Being "strong" can be a trap. If people decide you're resilient, they assume you're coping – and leave you to it. Sometimes the bravest thing is to admit you're not fine, and to ask for the help you need.
- Honesty is what makes people feel less alone. It's not the tidy, theory-shaped version of grief that helps others but the messy, unguarded truth. Say the thing that feels too close to the bone; it's often the thing someone else desperately needs to hear.
- You can't control the future, because it doesn't exist yet. Make your plans, but hold them loosely, they're only ideas of what you'd like to happen. Learning to live a day at a time is the only way through.
- Find your release. For Erin it was writing, walking in nature, even paint-by-numbers – something meditative to pour the fear and grief into. When you can't carry it all in your head, give it somewhere to go.
CHAPTERS
03:37 – “I'm sick and tired of being resilient”: the exhaustion of always being the strong
07:52 – Grieving out loud: the decision to write through it
11:55 – The formidable mother, and a childhood that built the muscle
13:55 – Keep buggering on
15:20 – Fighting her way to Cambridge, and up a male-dominated newsroom
20:23 – Meeting James
23:05 – The life that looked perfect from the outside – and wasn't
25:08 – The Amazon night shift: the proudest she ever was of him
30:30 – The diagnosis
39:49 – When the blows kept coming
47:02 – Her son's seizure: the worst thing she's ever seen
51:02 – Learning to hold your plans loosely
53:22 – The last night, and a hug she'll never forget
57:04 – The chaos of loss
1:06:05 – The stranger by the roadside who knew exactly what to say
FOLLOW ERIN'S WRITING
Postcards from Grief – https://erinbaker1001.substack.com/
FOLLOW ERIN BAKER
Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/erinbakerauto/?hl=en
LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/erin-baker-58901a48/
FOLLOW CRISIS WHAT CRISIS?
Instagram – www.instagram.com/crisiswhatcrisispodcast
TikTok – www.tiktok.com/@crisispod
This was a Crisis What Crisis Production – Rex Fisher (producer), Ioana Barbu (studio manager), Fred Sharp (research), Johnny Seifert (audio), Jasper Cullen (video)
