Who Am I Really?

000: Welcome to Who Am I Really?

I’m devoting this program dedicated to helping people placed into adoption to explore their own emotions, desires, and questions about reuniting with their biological family by asking others like us to tell their own true stories. I’m so thankful for the life that my adopted parents gave me, but I also had the incredibly good fortune to be reunited with my biological mother in 2009. Our story is amazing to me because our reunification unfolded in a way that I never could have predicted. However everyone’s search and discovery journey is different and we’ll share an array of stories in this podcast.Read Full TranscriptDamon: 00:09 Hi, I’m Damon Davis and I’m launching a new podcast series called, Who Am I Really? I’m devoting this program to helping people placed into adoption to explore their own emotions, desires, and questions about reuniting with their biological family by asking others like us to tell their own true stories. You’re probably asking yourself who I am and why I launched this podcast. First, let me say, I grew up in a very loving home with my adoptive mother, Veronica, supported by my adoptive father, Willy they’re just mom and dad to me, and I love them dearly for everything they did, large and small. That gave me the opportunities to be the man that I am today, but I also had the incredibly good fortune to be reunited with my biological mother in 2009. Our story is amazing to me because our reunification unfolded in a way that I never could have predicted.Damon: 01:04 A few things happened to me that really sparked my desire to search. One of the first influences happened during a visit with my inlaws in Baltimore, Maryland. My wife’s distant aunt welcomed us into her home one day. This lovely elderly woman opened the door, greeted us, toting her small wheeled oxygen tank behind her. As we sat in her living room, she spread pictures, newspaper clippings and letters on the coffee table. She told stories about the family’s history in a way that only she could recount them as what I viewed as the unofficial family historian, but that experience made me realize that one day she would no longer be with us and if another person tried to spread the same family historical facts in the same way they could not tell the family story the way that she had. It dawned on me that when she passed away, the ability to weave the family history that she knew would be lost and I should act quickly if I didn’t want the same to happen in my biological family.Damon: 02:07 When I decided to launch the search, my social worker in Baltimore shared something from her experience that I hadn’t thought about before. She said that women tend to search for their family of origin sooner than men do and that men search most often after they’ve had their own children. That was me. A short time after my wife gave birth to our son, I was at home alone with him, gazing on him with sheer amazement at this little dude we had created. He laid there on his back, kicked his legs, and waved his arms and stared up at me. In that moment by ourselves, I whispered to Seth with tears in my eyes, you’re the first blood relative I have ever known. As I talked to more people about their stories of searching and discovery, I’ve learned so much about each individual and about the commonalities between of us as adoptees.Damon: 03:00 We have basic questions about how we came to be, what happened with my biological mother and father when I was conceived? Why couldn’t they take care of me themselves when I was born? What was the story of my adoption? We tried to figure it out for ourselves by imagining all kinds of scenarios for why our parents made the choice to place us into adoption. We tried to figure it out for ourselves by imagining all kinds of scenarios for why our biological parents made the choice to place us into adoption, but it’s almost impossible to form a complete picture about yourself if you don’t know your own personal history. The puzzle has too many missing pieces. I’ve learned that some adoptees live with significant doubt about how much they were truly accepted by their adoptive parents. Some question, their place in their family among biological siblings, multiple adoptees, interracial families, or a mix of religious beliefs.Damon: 03:56 Others live well adjusted lives of doting parental love, but still feel a longing to understand their biological past like I did. Whether a child grows up well adjusted in a loving family or was reared in a less favorable home, they will likely have questions about their biological origin and those questions can vary widely. Who Do I look like? What health condition should I be aware of? Do I have siblings I don’t know about? Many times that curiosity is too much to contain. The desire for deeper understanding is too strong and we think we really should look for some answers. More often than you might think fear sets in and the questions turn to doubt that might delay a person’s search for their family of origin for years. Those doubts are expressed in concerns that might sound like I’ve had a great life, why would I expose myself to a potentially painful truth?Damon: 04:53 What if they still don’t want me or what if whomever I find didn’t even know I exist? All of those emotions can be difficult to overcome, but in some definitive moment we decide we have the strength to face whatever the truth may be and we begin the search for answers and hope for the best. We feel like knowing a little something must be better than knowing nothing at all. The journey to find just one person with a biological relation can take many forms, take a very long time and have varying results. Adoptees go online and type the facts that they know about themselves into search engines, Scour social media for clues, Add our names to reunification registries and hope for evidence of links to biological relatives through DNA tests. News of a potential clue is incredibly exciting. We ask ourselves, could this really be someone that I’m related to? Examining the evidence from different perspectives repeatedly in order to affirm or dismiss its potential to bring us one step closer.Damon: 06:00 Why would you try to dismiss a clue that seems to be leading to your truth? You ask. Because we are trying to protect ourselves from heartbreak if it’s a false lead, but eventually many people who search make some kind of connection with varying success. Some adoptees are welcomed home to their family of origin with open arms by relatives that have longed for the day their child would return. Other biological family members may feel that the chapter of their life where adoption plans were made for the child’s future is closed and they aren’t receptive to adoptees stepping forward to identify themselves and others begin their search or reach success just a little too late to connect with the biological family member that has passed on. Sometimes we reach out because we just want someone to know we’re okay, to thank someone for the chance to live or to feel some kind of connection to the people who are the very reason that we’re here today.Damon: 06:56 At the end of my search, my wonderful social worker, Lee, called me to read my biological mother’s letter to me that she had received. She opened by introducing herself to me and I finally learned my biological mother’s name Ann Sullivan. Incredibly coincidentally, the letter told me that the very next day was Ann’s birthday. I spoke to Ann by phone that same night ,where I learned so much about where she had been and how she was feeling about us. Amazingly, I learned that we shared the same metro station during our morning commute to work and her building was only two blocks from mine in Washington DC. Knowing our offices were so close, I decided to surprise her at her office on her birthday the next day, for what she said was the best birthday gift ever. As I got to know her more, I was astonished to learn that we had lived our lives on parallel tracks. For example, in an incredible coincidence, we both attended what is now Hampton University. It turns out that school runs in the family. I was fascinated to learn that while I was growing up in Columbia, Maryland, she was living right down the road in Laurel, a short 15 minutes from one another. I’ll tell the full story another time because the details and range of emotions are extraordinary and too much for my time with you now, but I will say this, the journey to locate and connect with biological family members can be an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs, jarring twists and unexpected turns. So this podcast is intended to do two things. First to my fellow adoptees, my hope is that the stories told here will help you explore your own feelings about adoption accept your desire to try to understand your own personal history and decide for yourself whether a search to connect with biological relatives is right for you.Damon: 08:48 For example, it will help you understand how others have dealt with issues related to protecting the feelings of their adopted families who may be supportive of your search or question your motives and present challenges. And for those who are not adoptees, this podcast will help you understand some of what is in the minds of your friends, family members or others who are adopted, but you didn’t know if you should ask some of the questions that will be answered here. The stories will make you smile or bring you to tears, but they’re all true as told by the people who lived them. In each one, I hope you’ll find something that inspires you, validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn who am I really? If you’d like to share your story of searching for and connecting with biological family members, go online to WhoAmIReallypodcast.com/share and tell me just a little bit about your journey. If you’re not quite ready to be on the show, but you just want to chat and share experiences, that’s okay too.The post 000: Welcome to Who Am I Really? appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

001- The End of Summer Cake

I’ve shared an adoptee bond with my dear high school friend Andre for years. In this episode, Andre shares the story of his loving adopted family, being the older sibling to his adopted parent’s biological son, and the truth about how he came into this world. His biological mother never forgot him and honored his life every year.Andre: 00:02 You go up to the judge, she has my case. She opens this Manila folder and I was like, there it is, like I'm this close. So then she proceeds to go through and she says that, you know, I have information here but you can't have it.Voices: 00:23 Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?Damon: 00:34 This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. Hey, it's Damon and on today's show I was lucky to be joined by my old friend Andre. We've known one another for more than 25 years, going back to high school and at that time as young men, we both discovered that the other was adopted too and we were instantly connected. In our conversation, you'll hear some of that old school brotherly love, but you'll also hear some really poignant moments when the fact that he's an adoptee was revealed to his brother and the difficult news he learned about how he came into the world.Damon: 01:21 First, Andre, I want to welcome you to the show. Thanks for coming.Andre: 01:23 Thank you for having me, Damon.Damon: 01:24 So glad you could do it. So tell me a little bit about your family growing up. Just start from the beginning as a young guy, tell me a little bit about you.Andre: 01:34 I grew up in Framingham, Massachusetts. Great parents, father was retired military. Um, mom was an HR salesman for digital equipment corporation. I have a younger brother, three years younger.Damon: 01:47 What's his name?Andre: 01:47 Jason. Jason is his name. We had a great life. I had no idea that my story would unfold the way it did growing up with such great parents.Damon: 01:59 Yeah. You and Jason were close?Andre: 02:01 Very close.Damon: 02:02 And is Jason adopted also?Andre: 02:04 He is not, he's my parents' biological child.Damon: 02:06 So he's biological and you're adopted. And how was that?Andre: 02:10 We didn't know. I didn't know that my mom couldn't have, uh, she had a bunch of miscarriages, um, that they had tried and tried and tried. So they went the adoption route. So, but I didn't find that story out until way later with aunts and family members and it actually kind of just came out yeah. Just came out that, hey, you know, yeah. Ruby couldn't have kids.Damon: 02:33 So, so to be clear you're the oldest?Andre: 02:36 I'm the oldest and Jason's younger than me.Damon: 02:39 Gotcha. And that was okay. Like did he know? When did he? So you found out?Andre: 02:44 I found out that I was adopted, This is weird, I found out that I was adopted when I was two and some change. They were, pregnant with Jason. And I remember them sitting me down. It's really weird how you go back and you find these memories, but I remember that so vividly.Andre: 03:01 I remember the little Pajama set that I was wearing and the whole nine and they sat me down and they were like, hey, you know, mom's pregnant and we're going to have, you're going to have a sibling, but we'll want to let you know that you're ours but you're not ours. We got you a different way. And they proceeded to explain it to me, but it all stopped when they said that I'm theirs, but they got me a different way.Damon: 03:27 Did they explain that at all? I mean, you're pretty young.Andre: 03:29 So they explained it and it just, it didn't hit me, it didn't hit me until later. So Jason was born and I remember, I remember before that my birthdays, they were mine and then Jason was born. It was my birth. He was born in July. My birthday's in August. I remember everyone just, Oh, the baby, the baby, the baby.Andre: 03:51 But it was my birthday. Uh, so to get the attention back on me, I remember going in and putting my hand on the stove, on the little coils and I straight burnt myself, you know, attention came back to me, but you know, it was just, it was the weirdest thing and I've always had that, you know, he's, theirs and, you know, as I got older I kind of just buried it. I just buried it.Damon: 04:19 Yeah I can imaging that. Did you? So you and Jason got along fine?Andre: 04:21 We got along fine, we got along fine.New Speaker: 04:24 Um, but it was always in the back of your mind, it sounds like back to my mind. But Jason didn't know. He didn't know that I was adopted. And so when did he find out? He found out that I was adopted when he was four? No, I was 15. That would've been 87.Andre: 04:44 Uh, we moved from Massachusetts to Columbia. My Dad got a job transfer cause my mom got him a job with digital when he retired from the military. And that job brought us here to Maryland. And, and the crazy thing is, is that that's previous summer we were in Mississippi with my dad's father and my grandfather, I, well I'm a big guy and my family's really, really lean, really lean. So my grandfather, someone had said something to my grandfather in church and he said, yeah, that's the boy who was adopted. And my brother overheard that. Oh, he heard accidentally heard accidentally. So the whole way home and the ride, I convinced him that grandpa was crazy. That grandpa was crazy. So tried to dismiss it. I did. I absolutely did. So we got home and I pretty much squashed it with Jason and he was like, okay, you're right.Andre:

003 – When the Search Finds You

Kathleen grew up with five siblings, and they were all biologically related to her parents–she was the only adoptee! As a child she was told that she was adopted, but it didn’t quite sink in until the topic of adoption came up in conversation and her mother reminded her, “you’re adopted too.” But what blew my mind was how the search for her first family wasn’t originated by her, her family found her and knew exactly where to lookThe post 003 – When the Search Finds You appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.Kathleen: 00:00 You meet people your whole life. You meet friends, you meet new family members, people are born, people die, but meeting someone who is your actual biological parent after you're already, you know, at this point I was 18 years old is a very, very strange thing.Voices: 00:19 Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?Damon: 00:30 This is "Who Am I, Really" a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. Hey, it's Damon on today's show. I'm joined by Kathleen. Her journey as an adoptee is amazing because while she wanted to search for her family of origin, the search actually came to her at a very young age. You're not going to believe how Kathleen's story unfolded and you'll hear just how fortunate she feels for how things turned out.Damon: 01:09 I appreciate you taking time to do the show. Take me back to the beginning. I know you and I talked a little bit before, but take me back to the beginning. Tell me a little bit about your background, about growing up, where you were and what your community was like, what your family was like and your, your family structure.Kathleen: 01:26 Okay. So I was raised mostly in Racine, Wisconsin, and I was the youngest of six children. Uh, it was a big Irish Catholic family and I was the only of the six to be adopted actually.Damon: 01:40 Wow. So you had five biologicals and you were the sole adoptee.Kathleen: 01:45 Right, exactly.Damon: 01:47 So how was it?Kathleen: 01:47 I was raised in a very, you know, culturally Irish family I would say. And what I always thought, looking back, what was so interesting about is the fact that I never, until I really knew that I was adopted, recognized the difference in our appearance, which to me today is very obvious. I mean, I, I have darker skin and darker complexion and they all look very, very Irish and have the, you know, the reddish hair and the freckles and green eyes. And I didn't have that at all. And when I was growing up, I just didn't notice it, which really says a lot about what children do and do not see as they're, as they're young.Damon: 02:21 Absolutely. Yeah, I totally understand that. We just are kind of blinded to the differences between us because we're all kids and it's only when we get to be adults and we're taught what our differences might be that we really start to recognize them. So true. So now tell me a little bit about when you discovered you were adopted or when you were told, how did that go down in your family?Kathleen: 02:41 So I talked to my mom about this not long ago and I asked her when she told me I was adopted because I remember her telling me when I was nine years old. And she very, very much remembers telling me earlier. But I think the way that she told me was not very direct, it was sort of in a story type way, not the, you know, Kathleen, I'm sitting you down today to tell you you're adopted, but you know, making references to adoption or making references to things that I guess as a kid I just didn't pick up on. And so when I, when I was nine years old, I remember having a conversation with my older brother and we were talking about someone else who was adopted and my mom threw out, you're adopted. And I was absolutely stunned.Damon: 03:24 Wow. What did that change for you? How did, what did you think? Do you remember?Kathleen: 03:28 Yeah, I started looking at things differently. I wanted to get as much information as possible. At the same time, I really didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings. So my first reaction was I didn't want to ask her many questions because I just felt that it might hurt her feelings. And so I did whatever I could back in the day to get information about, you know, being adopted and how I could get information about my biological parents. And really there, there just wasn't much out there in terms of avenues to get that informationDamon: 03:56 Not a lot of information at that time. What's, what's the year roughly that you feel like you started to search and what was the catalyst for your search in earnest?Kathleen: 04:05 I would have to say that I started searching in the early eighties but it wasn't quite so earnest and what really happened was that my birth mother found me. And so that piece of course a lot easier and, and I was in high school at the time, so fortunately she found me. And you know, it's interesting, the way that she found me is because it was a, I was a private adoption apparently. And when she was signing the adoption papers she was able to see the names of my adoptive parents. And so she always sort of had that information and was waiting for the right time to seek out.Damon: 04:40 That's incredible. So she is sitting there at the table, she's made your adoption plan. She's presumably signing the forms that are going to turn the rest of your caregiving and life over to another set of parents. And she's able to see on the form who you're going to and sat on the secret.Kathleen: 04:59 Yeah. It's funny because I'm actually a lawyer now, so I look back at that and think about, that's kind of a malpractice situation, but I'm really happy about because it really worked out well for me.Damon: 05:08 Yeah. Right. As a lawyer, the last thing that she wants someone to do, but I could see how it worked out very well for you. So how did that go? You said you were in high school and she reached out to you. How did it go?Kathleen: 05:19 So, um, I, I think my family situation made it a little bit easier on everyone involved. So when I was in fourth grade, my adoptive parents divorced, which wasn't easy at all, but, um, by the time my birth mother reached out to me, I was living with my mom and two of my brothers and she always sort of instilled a great amount of independence in all of us. You know, we did our own laundry, you know, we made our own lunches for school and so I was, I was very independent and I don't think that, um, when she was first contacted by my birth mother that it was so much of a threat to her as it may be to other adoptive parents. And, and also, I mean, remember I'm the youngest of six, so I wasn't the only child that may have impacted things as well. So, um, she, she got the letter and I know she waited on in a little bit and then she talked to me about it and I was just thrilled because I always knew that I wanted to meet my birth mother.Damon: 06:11 So your biological mother sends snail mail to your adopted mother and introduces herself. Do you know what it said? Have you had a chance to review the letter since?Kathleen: 06:21 Yeah. You know, I do. The interesting thing is, is that I happen to get the mail that day and when I looked at the letter, I just really thought there was something interesting about it that the handwriting on it was perfect. It, it almost looked a little bit like mine, which is crazy. And it was from Iowa and I thought, you know, what is that? And I knew there was something coming, so I was waiting for it and I knew my mom was going to tell me. And so, you know, when we sat down and talked about it, the letter really just asked my mom's permission to kind of open the lines of communication between myself and my birth mother. and fortunately, she helped facilitate that. And so the first thing that happened afterwards was a phone call between myself and my birth mother, which was just unbelievable. It was such an interesting thing talking to someone for the first time and hearing the voice over the phone of a person that you know, you've always wondered about it for as long as you knew about that person.Damon: 07:11 Right. So just take me back for a quick second just for clarity. You said, I knew something was coming. What do you mean by that? Did you mean that she reached out to you first?Kathleen:

005 – Part of Her Memory That She Lost Was Me

Terry shared the story of his biological parents’ wartime extra marital affair that brought him to life. He said his adopted parents felt he was “the sun the moon and the stars”, and spoiled him that way. As a teen, Terry wanted to apply for a job and needed his birth certificate from his parents. But that simple request worried his mother deeply about her place in his heart because she thought he was beginning a search for his biological family. He didn’t connect with his biological mother until his own parents were in failing health, but what an emotional day it was when he did finally meet his first mom!The post 005 – Part of Her Memory That She Lost Was Me appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.Terry: 00:02 My Mom, her dad are dying and I'm going to beat my birth mother for the first time and my two half sisters that I've never met before. So I pulled up and Mary came out and we hug, but she was very, I don't want to say distant, but she certainly wasn't real warm.Voices: 00:27 Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?Damon: 00:34 Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. Hey, it's Damon on the show today is Terry who located his biological family at a time before the Internet allowed easy searches for facts and information. He was born in the 1940s a time of war for our country, but it's also when his story begins and his journey, you'll hear about his path to learning who he is in so many ways and a very emotional day that he met his biological mother for the first time. I've been really excited to talk to you since Carmen may the introduction, so thanks for making time. Tell me a little bit about your childhood and your community, a little bit about your family and just generally how you grew up as an adoptee.Terry: 01:26 Well, um, my parents had tried to, uh, have a child for like nine years and they were unsuccessful. They had a good friend. My mom's best friend, um, had a boarder in her house who's husband had gone to war and, uh, she was having an affair and I was the result of that affair. So when her husband came home, uh, he was pretty upset about the fact that she was pregnant and my moms friend knew that they'd been trying to have a kid, so they worked it out that I could be adopted by..Damon: 02:06 Wow.Terry: 02:06 Anyhow, Clarence and Charlotte were the only parents that I ever knew. They were wonderful parents in one respect, except that they were over over protective. I mean, they did not go anywhere without me for the first six years of my life, I was never outside of my mom or dads vision, you know. But I adapted to it and it was, it was okay, but you know, one o the classic examples I give is that Christmas really doesn't mean all that much to me anymore because when I was, I don't know, five or six, I came out of my bedroom and the entire living room floor was covered with packages and they only have my name on it and I just thought life was supposed to be, you know, and uh, my cousins always remark about the fact of how spoiled I was and how, you know, my mom just doted on me and all of that stuff. I didn't know anything different. I didn't know the world was any different than that. I didn't know that there were, I didn't know there was evil in the world. I didn't know there was, you know, I mean, I was so incredibly protected because I was the sun and the moon and the stars for them.Terry: 03:16 Now they told me from when I was a young child that I was adopted. I mean, there was a period of time, till I was 18 that we really didn't discuss that at all. My mom, when I was going through puberty, my mom was going through menopause. Oh, that was just a horrible time. It was just a horrible time. But we were, yeah, we were always fairly close, except she couldn't, accept.. Really she wanted me to be a doctor. She wanted me to be an MD and nothing else would work. And I went away to college. And so I flunked out of Denison University after a semester and a half, and she was just devastated. And then I went to Kent State and I was there for the massacres, unfortunately on May 4th.Damon: 04:01 Oh no.Terry: 04:01 Um, yeah, yeah, it was, uh, probably one of the things that changed my life more than anything.Terry: 04:08 And I was a Hippie and she hated that. She just, she thought that was awful. And, uh, I was living with a woman at the time. Uh, she was real unhappy about all that stuff, so I wasn't turning out the way she wanted me to. And I also came out and we barely ever, I think I told them that I was gay and, um, we never discussed it after that. Never mentioned. And I moved to San Diego and that nearly killed her. Uh, she thought I was moving away from her, but I was just moving away from the weather in Akron, Ohio. She had talked to Virginia, I talked to Virginia after I moved here and she said, Oh yeah, your mom cried for a solid year. She just couldn't believe that you had left her. And you know, I'm missing my twenties for Heaven Sake.Terry: 04:58 You gotta be your own person. You know, she liked her the way she thought was the way things should be and that was what was right. And that was what was going to happen. And anything that went afoul of that was not, she just couldn't quite handle that one. So there were some difficulties. There were definitely difficult times in my, uh, post puberty, puberty and post puberty times when I was becoming my own person. I then, when I went to get a job and they needed a birth certificate, so I called my mom and said, I need a birth certificate. And boy, that was just dead silence on the other end of the phone. And my mom's not happy about me wanting to delve into it because she thought that I wouldn't love her anymore if I found my birth mother and father.Damon: 05:44 She felt a little bit threatened. If you found your biological family that she would be relegated to a lower status in your mind.Terry: 05:52 Right. So anyway, I got the paper that she had, which basically says, you were born. My dad said well I'll give you your adoption papers if you want them? I said, no, no, all I need is this paper should suffice. You know, he was pretty cavalier about the whole thing. It was my mom that was pretty upset.Damon: 06:08 And how did you comfort her over that? That's a, that is a pretty, that's a valid concern of hers. Do you recall how you comforted her into being at peace with you having this internal desire to lookTerry: 06:19 well, I didn't do much. I didn't do much because I thought it was kind of silly. I didn't, first of all, I didn't know that it had affected her that much. I knew it affected her somewhat, but I laugh, you know, it wasn't really a major concern. It's like, oh, for God's sake, I'm not gonna, you know, I, all I care about is that, you know, I get the job, that's all I really cared about. So I got the paperwork and I, and I got the job and all that good stuff. And then when I was, you know, by probably three or four years later, it just started, you know, I started thinking about it and thinking, well, I, I would kinda like to know, I would like to know if my mom and dad are still, if my birth mother and father are still alive, I would like to know, you know, and maybe meet them if they wanted to.Terry: 07:07 I wasn't going to push anything. I did some real preliminary stuff and I didn't do a whole lot. Uh, and I really didn't get anywhere, so I kind of dropped it. It really wasn't a big deal to me. So I kind of gave up the search in 2003 my mom and my dad were both in their late eighties and in failing health. And, um, I just thought, well, you know, this is a good time to find out. I'll see what I can find out. Things are a lot better. Oh and the adoption records had been open. That was another thing. Adoption Records were closed I believe when I was first looking at it in the 70s.Speaker 3: 07:50 And sorry, just tell me Terry, what's, what state are we in?Speaker 1: 07:54 Oh, Akron, Ohio and I just found that it's a certificate of live birth from the Ohio Department of Health. That's the only thing I had to go by and it doesn't list anyone on there at all except my, my birth except my mom and dad. Clarence and Charlotte.Damon: 08:12 Your adopted parents?Terry: 08:13 Yeah, my adopted parents. And so that's all I had. That's, that was the dead end that I came to. So then after the, after the records were opened up and my parents were in, uh, failing health, I thought, well, I'll just see. It'd be interesting to see. So I started nosing around and I found out that the Mormon Center in San Diego has a lot of information on genealogy. So I think I went there. Then I got the name of a group in Cleveland, Ohio that does searches for adopted kids. Anyway, the person I contacted was very nice and she said, yeah, I'll do some research. It's going to take me a little while, but I'll, I'll do some research and then I kind of dropped it. She was emailing me back and forth. She found the record of my, my birth mother's husband.Damon:

006 – I Forgave Her When My Son Was Born

In adoption, Julie grew up in the Midwest with a family of trans racial adoptees. Her brothers are adopted from Vietnam, and her sister is white. Each of them has a different perspective on searching for their biological families. Julie has always been curious. She told me that in the moments after her son was born and he was placed in her arms, she could forgive her biological mother, and release the anger she previously felt about her rejection. In that moment, she clearly understood the everlasting bond of a mother to her child.The post 006 – I Forgave Her When My Son Was Born appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.Julie (00:00):Yeah. When I had my son, like the moment I gave birth to him, I will say like the second he was placed in my arm and my first thought was at my birth mom and I just, I, I let go of all the anger.Voices (00:21):Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?Damon (00:32):This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. Hey, it's Damon and in this show. I had the great pleasure of catching up with my old friend Julie. We met over 10 years ago and as it often happens with me, we bonded over being adoptees, but she was already seeking her biological family and had been at it for a long time when we met. When we first knew one another, she had located her family of origin and her social worker had been in touch with them, but for some reason they had not actually made the connection. Julie moved away so I never got to hear what happened next for her. I've wondered about Julie for years. So today she finally satisfied my curiosity.Damon (01:17):Thank you so much for taking time to join me for this. I have been so excited to talk to you for like years. Honestly. I mean, you'll recall you and I first met back. What was that?Julie (01:29):2003. Yep.Damon (01:29):We bonded over being adoptees. I recall one of the conversations that we had around the fact that you had begun to search for your biological family. So I'm really excited to hear the update because I, I've honestly, I've thought about you off and on for years wondering how your story unfolded. So I, I can't wait to get to the end, but for right now, what I'd love for you to do is just take me back to the beginning. Tell me a little bit about, you know, how you grew up, where you grew up, what your family structure was like, and just generally how it was being an adoptee in your family.Julie (02:07):Sure. So I was born in Chicago and, and immediately placed into foster care because my birth mom knew that she wasn't going to keep me. And I'll give you some backstory and a little bit of on that side of the family. But in my, um, in my adoptive family, which I typically just refer to as my family, um, I'm the fourth, I'm the youngest, I'm the baby and I'm the fourth child and all four of the kids in my family are adopted. And so my oldest sister is white. And then my brother, my next oldest brother is, uh, black and Vietnamese. And then I have a brother who's Vietnamese and probably something else. Um, we're not entirely sure. Both of them were, uh, both of them were, were they, I mean the Vietnamese war orphans and so we don't have accurate records on them and that includes like their age, their accurate birthdays. Um, so they were given records most likely as kids who already passed, which is typical. And so thenDamon (03:12):Thy were transferred records, they basically have someone else's records, you think?Julie (03:15):Yes.Damon (03:16):Wow.Julie (03:16):Yeah, because so because, um, so this is a story that's like, you know, part of our family folklore. But, um, when my older brother came over and was finally having like, you know, immediately had his first doctor visit, the doctor was very clear with my parents that this child was at least six to nine months older than the age that they had reported to him, that they had been told.Damon (03:37):wow.Julie (03:38):Um, malnourished. Certainly him, both of my brothers were a malnourished when they came, um, and, and uh, and sick and so probably older than their actual years and maybe not a full year older, but definitely not that birthday that we have for them. Um, and so then, so they had those, those three, and they're kind of, they're stairstep and they're, I think between like five and eight years older than me. And then it came time and my parents decided that they wanted to adopt again and again, like family folklore, there was a little girl in Dallas, Texas, and then there was me in Chicago.Julie (04:12):And, um, my brother, my oldest brother, Jeff, is the one who decided that we should adopt me because we needed more brown skin in the family.Damon (04:21):Ah, that's so cute!Julie (04:21):Um, yeah. Yeah. And so actually my first picture, um, that I keep on my fridge is that my brother Jeff holding me.Damon (04:29):Oh, that's really awesome.Julie (04:29):On the day that the, yeah, on the day I was placed. And uh, and so yeah. So they went with me. And I also think because the other little girl had a lot of health issues too, and I was a healthy baby, so I think that that was worked in my favor certainly. Yup.Damon (04:44):I see. Wow.Julie (04:44):Yeah, yeah, for sure. So, you know, there's like kind of the three months, three or four month waiting period rather than foster care. Um, and then on March 18th, I was placed with my adoptive family and have been with them since.Julie (05:02):And so, um, I was raised in river falls, uh, which is a, which is a fairly small college town, about 16,000 in Wisconsin. Um, so it was definitely like my brothers and I were probably about half of the black kids in town or like, actually the color in general in town. We knew, I mean there were a couple kids who were biracial, but for the most part, any, any kids of color were adoptees or um, you know, that part of western Wisconsin also, uh, pulled in a lot of refugees. And so initially, you know, they were, the Vietnamese refugees came over and a lot of the churches around offer a lot of services and then eventually, you know, among refugees came over. So there were some times other people of color, um, who were with their, um, you know, families of origin, but for the most part students of color to be adoptees and we knew all of them cause the adoptive community was obviously small and um, and so we were all kind of well connected and so it didn't seem, even though we were anomaly overall in my personal circle, it wasn't anything too unique.Damon (06:13):interesting. You know, I always think about folks in a interracial family and how it's always awesome to see, but I always wonder about the adoptees feeling about looking anything like, or not at all alike, their parents. And what I'm hearing you say is that in your entire community, basically that was the norm, was that there were so many adoptees that didn't look like their bylaws, their adopted parents, that, um, that it was, it was just normal.Julie (06:46):Well, yeah, I would say it's not that there was so many, it's that there were probably like four other families who happened to be part of my parents that got through because they all had transracial adoption situation. Right. And so because we kind of kept together, that wasn't, it didn't, I wasn't singled out in that way. I mean, I was almost always the only person of color in my classroom all the way through elementary and middle school and into high school. And there were other kids of color in my grade, but we just didn't always end up in the same class. So I would say I was probably like one of five or six in my grade the whole way through.Damon (07:24):Wow. So yeah, constant reminder to a degree that you are a little bit out of place. That's fascinating. So how did your parents, do you feel comfortable with the fact that you are adoptees?Julie (07:37):Um, it, for, in my household it was always on the table for discussion. And so, I mean obviously because we weren't the same color as our parents, like it was clear. And even even for my sister who was white, it was just clear that none of us came from them. And so we could always talk about adoption and, um, I feel like I was, I was the most open about talking about mine. I remember, um, I remember when the movie, the land before time came out and little foot loses his mom at the beginning. And I was so sad and I remember sitting on my mom's lap and you know, she was like, does this make you think about your mom? I was like, it doesn't, I'm just, you know, I was crying, but that was never, I never got the sense from her that she was uncomfortable with me talking about my birth mom and my birth dad.Julie (08:20):Um, and, and they had like in their file cabinet, they had records. And so I had a copy of my adoptive, of like my, my doctor's records. So like my, um, my mom and dad's information not identifying information. I had like first names, ages, ethnicities, eye color like height, weight, kind of as basic physical demographics I also knew how many siblings they each had, the first names of their parents. Um, and, and, and my mom made me my own copy of that so I could always have it and look at it when I wanted. I did find out years later that she had identified information she wasn't allowed to give it to me until I was 21. I didn't know that until I was 21 that she had even more info. But what she could give me, I could have at any time I was feeling sad or needed to talk, it was just always open for me. I would say I've probably been the most open of my siblings and the most comfortable talking about that.Damon (09:15):That's so interesting. And it's fascinating too. I guess your parents probably would have had a lot of practice being that you were preceded by three siblings who were also adopted and they would have had questions and they would have had practice trying to help them feel comfortable. But the fact that you were so open about it personally and they provided you access to the information to say, listen, this is you and this is us. And uh, and he and we can talk about this anytime. I think that's, that's really incredible.Julie (09:43):It fits my personality too. Um, and then, you know, with my brothers it's more complicated because, um, there was no real way to share any specific information with my brothers. And so one thing my parents did years later that my parents took the boys over to Vietnam for three weeks or four weeks, one summer so that they could at least visit like their country of origin and see the orphanages and see the country where they were from. That was the closest they could do for my brothers to have a sense of identity as well.Damon (10:15):That must be so hard for them to know that their personal history will always be at such a distance because the documentation from their home country, I mean was just completely fouled up from the beginning. It's really kind of sad for them. But, um, I'm, I mean I hope that they, you know, feel very comfortable in the family that you all created together. SoJulie (10:36):I think we also like family. There's moments obviously of like its just like any family, sometimes we don't speak to each others. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we holler. Sometimes it's all love.Damon (10:46):Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would imagine the dynamic is the same. It doesn't matter whether or not you guys consider yourselves brothers and sisters. You're going to battle and have fun like sisters. That's really it.Julie (10:56):Exactly. We all know how to drive each other crazy and we all know how to lift each other up. So.Damon (11:02):so you were really comfortable as an adoptee in your family, which is really awesome to hear. But there, there was a time at some point when you decided that you actually actively wanted to search. You wanted to find out or what? Tell me a little bit about how you reached that point. What were some of the triggers that just said, you know what, I think it might be interesting. All right. I got to know...