The Virtual Couch

Your Goals Aren't Yours—That's Why They Don't Stick (ACT for Lasting Change)

What if your New Year's resolutions keep failing because they were never really yours to begin with? Most goals we set aren't chosen—they're inherited from magazines, social media, parents, or that version of ourselves we think we're supposed to become. That's why they don't stick. In this episode, Tony shares his decades-long "pushup obsession" and how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) finally broke the cycle—not through more discipline, but by discovering what actually mattered to him.What you'll learn:- Why "socially compliant goals" sabotage your motivation before you even start- The crucial difference between values (your compass) and goals (checkboxes)—and why confusing them keeps you stuck- How to use lead measures instead of lag measures to build sustainable change- The "Passengers on the Bus" technique for moving forward even when self-doubt is loud- A simple 5-step "Get Back on the Saddle" plan for when you inevitably wobbleWith over 20 years of clinical experience, Tony explains why you're not broken—you're human—and offers a framework for building a life that actually feels like yours.Ready to stop beating yourself up and start driving toward what matters? This might be the last resolution episode you'll ever need.00:00 Introduction: Are Your Goals Really Yours?00:44 Meet Tony Overbay: Your Guide to Self-Improvement01:57 The New Year's Resolution Dilemma04:03 The Pushup Story: A Lesson in Values12:34 Understanding Socially Compliant Goals15:04 Experiential Avoidance: The Trap of Avoiding Discomfort20:26 Lag Measures vs. Lead Measures: The Key to Achieving Goals27:28 Values vs. Goals: The Core of Sustainable Change38:52 Perceived Value vs. Perceived Capability40:57 Understanding Perceived Capability and Value41:46 Corporate America and Disengagement42:50 New Year's Resolutions and Motivation46:18 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) vs. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)54:47 The Power of ACT in Therapy01:00:58 Practical Steps for Getting Back on Track01:06:05 Embracing Emotions and Moving Forward01:08:01 Conclusion: Driving the Bus Towards What MattersContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

The Family Butterfly Effect: How Your Uncle Ray Changed Everything—And How You Can Change It Back

Every family has an origin story—and it's not always the one told at holidays. In this episode, Tony explores the fascinating concept of the butterfly effect and how it applies to family systems. From a scientist's obsession with Gila monster saliva that led to Ozempic, to a wrong turn that ignited World War I, small moments can create massive ripples.But what happens when the butterfly in your family isn't an event—it's a person?Through the story of "Uncle Ray," Tony unpacks how one emotionally overwhelmed parent can set patterns that echo for decades, and how family roles—the helper, the peacekeeper, the fixer, the scapegoat—get assigned long before we're even aware of them. You'll learn about the patterns of emotional immaturity (black-and-white thinking, mind reading, magical thinking, and more) and how they show up in everyday family dynamics.Most importantly, Tony shares the hopeful truth: the butterfly effect works both ways. One person's dysfunction can ripple through generations—but so can one person's healing. If you've ever wondered how to break cycles in your own family or show up differently this holiday season, this episode is for you.00:00 Introduction: Family Dynamics and Roles01:05 The Butterfly Effect in Families03:02 Crossover Episode: Emotional Immaturity and Family Systems04:36 The Butterfly Effect: Scientific Examples10:02 The Butterfly Effect in Family Systems14:33 Uncle Ray: The Catalyst of Chaos23:25 Pathological Kindness: Janet's Role27:39 Emotional Immaturity: Patterns and Consequences33:10 Black and White Thinking33:40 Mind Reading and Assumed Intent34:28 Difficulty with Accountability35:39 Emotional Reasoning36:35 External Validation Dependence37:58 Magical Thinking39:03 Managing Other People's Emotions40:40 The Butterfly Effect in Family Dynamics41:15 Curiosity and Emotional Maturity43:28 Reconnecting with Uncle Dave51:30 The Impact of Family Systems55:55 The Cost of Emotional Immaturity58:25 Breaking the Cycle58:45 Setting Boundaries and Responding Differently01:02:38 Hope and Creating Positive RipplesContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Stop Managing Your Partner's Emotions: How One Couple Broke Free From the Anxious-Avoidant Trap

Have you ever found yourself calculating what to say when your partner is upset—choosing words to manage their emotions rather than speaking your truth? In this episode, Tony shares the breakthrough story of a couple navigating financial betrayal and the exhausting cycle of emotional management that kept them stuck.Through Mark and Sarah's journey from reactive patterns to authentic connection, you'll discover the five elements of differentiated intimacy and why trying to make your partner "okay" with uncomfortable truths actually prevents genuine healing. Tony breaks down how anxious and avoidant attachment styles create complementary patterns of pursuit and withdrawal, and why both strategies are really about the same thing: controlling the other person's emotional state rather than being present to it.BONUS SECTION: Tony responds to overwhelming listener feedback from his recent co-regulation series by explaining the neuroscience behind Mark and Sarah's breakthrough. Learn about Ed Tronick's famous "Still Face Experiment," how childhood co-regulation failures create adult attachment wounds, and why healing requires nervous system-level change—not just better communication skills.Perfect for you if:You're exhausted from walking on eggshells or constantly pursuing connectionYou recognize yourself in anxious or avoidant attachment patternsYou're recovering from betrayal (financial, emotional, or otherwise) in your relationshipYou want to understand why the same conflicts keep repeatingYou're curious about the neuroscience of relationship healingTopics covered:The difference between managing emotions and being present to themFive elements of differentiated intimacy in actionHow to hold incompatible truths without relationship collapseThe anxious-avoidant trap explained through nervous system dynamicsCo-regulation: from childhood patterns to adult healingWhy secure attachment can be earned at any age00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:37 Imagining Relationship Scenarios02:56 Understanding Emotional Management03:56 Exploring Co-Regulation in Relationships07:33 Case Study: Mark and Sarah's Financial Infidelity13:54 Breakthrough Session: Honest Communication21:45 The Real Work of Differentiation23:22 Mark and Sarah's Emotional Breakthrough24:38 Key Lessons from the Breakthrough25:34 Managing Emotions vs. Genuine Intimacy28:06 Questions for Self-Reflection29:29 Understanding Co-Regulation30:53 The Still Face Experiment33:36 Mark and Sarah's Attachment Styles35:54 The Anxious-Avoidant Trap37:11 Breakthrough in Therapy40:38 The Role of Co-Regulation in Healing41:39 Neuroplasticity and Secure Attachment45:48 Final Thoughts and ResourcesContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's cornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Why You Fell for Your Partner (and Why You Keep Fighting Them) — Part 2

In Part 2 of Why You Fell for Your Partner (and Why You Keep Fighting Them), Tony Overbay, LMFT, continues the story of Jack and Jill — a fictional couple built from hundreds of real couples he’s worked with in therapy.But this time, the story shifts. What happens when children grow up with emotional safety, repair, and consistency? What does love look like when it’s modeled, not managed — when connection feels safe instead of chaotic?Tony explores how secure attachment is formed through co-regulation, how parents teach emotional safety through presence instead of fixing, and how those lessons echo into adulthood — shaping how we love, argue, and connect.Through rich storytelling and neuroscience-backed insights, you’ll learn: • What healthy co-regulation sounds like in real life • Why conflict in secure relationships feels safe, not scary • How consistent emotional repair rewires the brain • Why secure partners are drawn to emotional availability, not intensity • How “earned secure attachment” and therapy can break old patternsThis episode isn’t just a look at what healthy relationships sound like — it’s a roadmap for how to build one.Because your past might explain your patterns, but it doesn’t have to define your future.00:00 Introduction and Recap of Part One01:23 Understanding Attachment Styles02:25 Exploring Jill's Childhood03:16 Exploring Jack's Childhood04:58 Healthy Emotional Regulation06:44 Jill's Healthy Emotional Development21:10 Jack's Healthy Emotional Development31:28 Jack and Jill's Relationship Dynamics35:04 Healthy Communication in Relationships36:06 The Importance of Secure Attachment37:08 Navigating Stress and Boundaries40:06 Conflict Resolution and Compromise41:43 Building a Secure Relationship52:55 The Role of Childhood in Adult Relationships01:02:29 The Power of Therapy and Self-Work01:08:52 Final Thoughts on Relationship GrowthContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's cornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Why You Fell for Your Partner (and Why You Keep Fighting Them) pt. 1

What if the way you love — and the way you fight — were both written long before you met your partner? Tony Overbay, LMFT, reveals how your nervous system learned to react to love, conflict, and vulnerability decades before your first date — and how those patterns still show up today.In this episode, Tony introduces Jack and Jill, a fictional couple built from hundreds of real couples he has worked with over 20 years in therapy. Their story illustrates two common attachment patterns — one anxious, one avoidant — and how they collide in the classic pursue-withdraw cycle that leaves both partners feeling unseen, unsafe, and alone.Through relatable narrative, clinical insight, and real-world examples, you’ll learn:• How childhood emotional experiences shape relationship expectations• Why your partner’s reactions can feel like rejection (even when they aren’t)• How anxiety and withdrawal both come from trying to feel safe• Why repeating the same argument isn’t failure — it’s a nervous system loop• What has to change before communication skills even matterThis episode will help you finally understand why you fell for your partner… and why the very things that drew you together now drive you apart.Whether you identify with Jill’s pursuit for reassurance or Jack’s retreat into silence, you’ll start to see the deeper story inside your relationship — the one your body has been telling long before you could put it into words.Stay tuned for Part 2, where Tony will explore an entirely different path — one where emotional safety is modeled, repair is possible, and connection doesn’t have to hurt.00:00 Introduction: The Hidden Stories of Our Reactions00:41 Understanding Nervous System Responses02:01 The Impact of Childhood Experiences02:34 Modern Relationships and Nervous System Patterns04:08 Meet Jack and Jill: A Case Study09:09 Jill's Story: A Childhood of Emotional Instability13:14 Jack's Story: Learning to Withdraw16:43 Jack and Jill's Relationship Dynamics21:18 The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle27:23 Paths to Healing and Connection29:44 Conclusion: Moving Forward with AwarenessContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's cornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com