Sober Friends

E264: It's Not Your Fault (But It Is Your Responsibility)

Send a textMatt and Steve dive deep into Dr. Silkworth's groundbreaking work on alcoholism and why understanding the medical nature of addiction changes everything. They explore a fascinating discovery: Silkworth published his "allergy theory" in a 1937 medical journal—two years before the Big Book—challenging the common AA legend about why he initially hesitated to put his name in print.The hosts discuss why the Doctor's Opinion matters less for its 1939 medical accuracy and more for what it tells newly sober people: you have a condition, not a character flaw. Matt and Steve get real about the difference between the physical reality of addiction (not your fault) and the actions taken while drinking (your responsibility to address).Steve shares his own parallel journey with weight management and GLP-1 drugs, drawing powerful connections between different types of medical conditions that were once viewed as moral failings. The conversation unpacks why self-knowledge alone isn't enough to stay sober, the role of dopamine in addiction, and why removing shame is the first barrier that needs to fall.Whether you're brand new to sobriety or years into recovery, this episode offers a compassionate, science-informed perspective on what's really happening in your brain and body—and why that understanding is the foundation for everything that follows.Links to the two articles Silkworth wrote in 1937:Alcoholism as a Manifestation of AllergyReclamation of the AlcoholicSupport the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E263: Service Work in Recovery: You Haven't Been Nominated to Drink Coffee

Send us a textService work in AA recovery isn't about giving back - it's about belonging, commitment, and staying sober. "I don't even drink coffee.""That's fine. You haven't been nominated to drink coffee. You've been nominated to make coffee."Steve heard this exchange at his Thursday night men's meeting, and it might be the greatest line about service work ever spoken. Because that's exactly what service work is - doing something that isn't about you, that gets you connected, that gets you showing up.In this episode, Matt and Steve dig into service work in recovery - what it is, why people are afraid of it, and why it might be one of the most important parts of staying sober that nobody talks about enough.Matt opens up about his early motivation for service work, and it wasn't the noble "giving back" thing everyone talks about. It was simpler: "I wanted to feel like I belonged." He shares the story of being a door greeter at the Tuesday night Forbes Street meeting - scared out of his mind, showing up 30 minutes early every week, hugging everyone who walked in. By the end of 5 weeks, he knew everyone in that room. That's the power of service work.Steve talks about his journey from cleaning ashtrays and taking out trash at his Friday night men's meeting to doing district-level work 15+ years later. But here's what he says: "The most rewarding service work is still at the meeting level - because that's where you meet the new alcoholic, the fresh alcoholic who just came out of rehab or is just looking for a meeting."We break down what service work actually looks like:The basics: Putting away chairs, breaking down tables, making coffeeThe commitments: Chairing meetings, being treasurer, being secretaryThe next level: GSR (General Service Representative), district workThe often-overlooked one: Driving people to meetingsMatt shares the "dirty little secret" about service work: it gets you to go to meetings. When you have a commitment - coffee maker, chairperson, door greeter - you show up. You don't bail because you don't feel like it. You're expected to be there, so you go. And that commitment to the meeting becomes a commitment to your sobriety.Steve talks about why he keeps taking service commitments even after 15+ years: "It makes me part of that meeting so much more quickly. This Wednesday noon meeting, I've only been going for about a year and a half, and there are people who've been there for 20 years. But taking the coffee commitment puts me in as part of that group way faster than if I just show up and never do anything."We also tackle the fears people have about service work:"I'm too new" (Matt's fear early on)"I'll do it wrong" (Matt's coffee-making anxiety)"People will judge me"The truth: The stakes are incredibly low. You can't really screw this up.Plus: The story of Ted S. filling the entire percolator basket with coffee grounds because he'd never made coffee before (that's one STRONG cup), why the phone weighs 500 pounds but picking someone up for a meeting is huge service work, and Matt's realization that he never volunteered for coffee at the Monday meeting because he doesn't drink coffee there (problem solved - he's volunteering now).If you're new to recovery and wondering if you should takeSupport the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E262: Do You Miss Drinking or Do You Miss the Relief?

Send us a text"I love to do things that will give me temporary comfort, that will make me very uncomfortable somewhere down the road."A woman with 30+ years of sobriety shared this in Steve's Wednesday meeting, and it hit hard. Because that's exactly what drinking was - temporary relief that created long-term pain. But here's the real question: when you quit drinking, what are you actually missing?In this episode, Matt and Steve dig into what happens when you remove alcohol but don't replace it with anything. Matt shares his painful 10-month white-knuckle attempt at sobriety back in 2001 - going to parties, feeling like hell, not drinking but not actually changing anything. It led exactly where you'd expect: relapse.They explore the ritual of drinking - not just the buzz, but the physical act of holding a drink in a social setting, being part of the club, that first moment of "ahh, I got my drink" before things went sideways. And why ordering a tonic water with lime to "look like you're drinking" feels so uncomfortable and wrong.Steve opens up about the difference between his first attempt at sobriety (physically beaten down) and his second (morally, spiritually, emotionally spent). How he realized he couldn't just replace alcohol with running 10 miles or hitting the gym seven days a week. He needed something internal to change - which is where the 12 steps came in.We talk about:Why white-knuckling doesn't work (and what actually does)The ritual you lose when you stop drinking - and what replaces itSteps 4 & 5 as the real game-changers (not just Steps 1-3)Transferable addictions: when is the gym healthy and when does it become destructive?That uncomfortable feeling of being the only one not drinking (and when it finally goes away)The difference between missing alcohol and missing the escape it providedPlus: Why Steve now happily orders his wife a glass of wine without needing to order himself anything, Matt's take on why mocktails feel like "perverted versions of alcohol," and the relief that comes from replacing the bar ritual with the breakfast ritual.If you've ever tried to quit drinking on your own and couldn't make it stick, or if you're wondering what the hell you're supposed to DO when you're not drinking anymore, this episode is for you.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E261: Outcome vs. Journey- The Control Freak's Guide to Sobriety

Send us a textEver feel like you're doing everything "right" in recovery but still find yourself pissed off when things don't go your way? Steve opens up about his biggest struggle even after 15+ years sober: the control freak mindset that gets shit done but also sets him up for resentment, anxiety, and dangerous thinking patterns.In this episode, we dig into the difference between being outcome-focused (expecting specific results because you did the work) versus journey-focused (trusting the process without demanding a particular ending). Steve shares raw moments from his week—including a family reunion where "normal people" went straight to the bar while he dealt with buried resentment—and how he's learning to recognize when his need for control is actually putting his sobriety at risk.We talk about:Why alcoholics make great control freaks (and why that's both a strength and a problem)The dangerous cascade that starts with disappointment and ends with "maybe I should just drink"How expecting certain outcomes because you "earned them" leads to resentmentWhy being a caretaker amplifies these expectationsThe skills that keep you from that relapse that starts three weeks before it actually happensWhether you're brand new to sobriety or decades in, if you've ever thought "I did everything right, so why do I still feel this way?"—this episode is for you.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E260: Lowering the Bar - Why 'Just Staying Sober' is a Championship Win

Send us a textIt’s mid-January, the "Pink Cloud" of New Year’s resolutions has evaporated, and for many in the Northeast, we are staring down a "marathon of dark, cold, and gloomy days". In this episode, Matt and Steve get honest about the "January Gloom" and a phenomenon many newcomers face but rarely understand: Anhedonia.If you feel numb, bored, or like life has lost its "charm" since the holidays ended, you aren't doing recovery wrong—your brain is simply healing. We discuss why trying to "fix everything at once" (the gym, the diet, the 5:00 AM wake-up call) is often a recipe for relapse, and why sometimes, the greatest victory you can have is simply putting your head on the pillow sober.What We Discuss:The Dopamine Gap: Understanding Anhedonia—the temporary inability to feel pleasure while your brain chemistry recalibrates after years of "instant gratification" drinking.The Danger of the "Great Reset": Why piling on too many new habits in January can burn you out and why you should "lower the bar" for your own success.The Default Plan: Steve shares his "built-in default" for when life gets stressful and why a meeting is his safe haven even when he doesn't feel like going.Sobriety in the "Muck": Dealing with physical setbacks like Lyme disease and surgery recovery, and learning to prioritize rest over "hustle".Tuesday Morning Clarity: The power of "playing the tape" and how sobriety allows us to show up for our families in ways we never could while drinking.Key Resources Mentioned:Podcast: Sober Powered with Gill Tietz (for a deep dive into the science of addiction).Book: Never Enough by Judith Grisel (on the neuroscience of the addicted brain).Book: Living Sober."If you're in your first 30 days and you didn't drink today—that's a lot. That's damn good. Lower the bar, baby." — Matt J. Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.