Sober Friends

E261: Outcome vs. Journey- The Control Freak's Guide to Sobriety

Send us a textEver feel like you're doing everything "right" in recovery but still find yourself pissed off when things don't go your way? Steve opens up about his biggest struggle even after 15+ years sober: the control freak mindset that gets shit done but also sets him up for resentment, anxiety, and dangerous thinking patterns.In this episode, we dig into the difference between being outcome-focused (expecting specific results because you did the work) versus journey-focused (trusting the process without demanding a particular ending). Steve shares raw moments from his week—including a family reunion where "normal people" went straight to the bar while he dealt with buried resentment—and how he's learning to recognize when his need for control is actually putting his sobriety at risk.We talk about:Why alcoholics make great control freaks (and why that's both a strength and a problem)The dangerous cascade that starts with disappointment and ends with "maybe I should just drink"How expecting certain outcomes because you "earned them" leads to resentmentWhy being a caretaker amplifies these expectationsThe skills that keep you from that relapse that starts three weeks before it actually happensWhether you're brand new to sobriety or decades in, if you've ever thought "I did everything right, so why do I still feel this way?"—this episode is for you.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E260: Lowering the Bar - Why 'Just Staying Sober' is a Championship Win

Send us a textIt’s mid-January, the "Pink Cloud" of New Year’s resolutions has evaporated, and for many in the Northeast, we are staring down a "marathon of dark, cold, and gloomy days". In this episode, Matt and Steve get honest about the "January Gloom" and a phenomenon many newcomers face but rarely understand: Anhedonia.If you feel numb, bored, or like life has lost its "charm" since the holidays ended, you aren't doing recovery wrong—your brain is simply healing. We discuss why trying to "fix everything at once" (the gym, the diet, the 5:00 AM wake-up call) is often a recipe for relapse, and why sometimes, the greatest victory you can have is simply putting your head on the pillow sober.What We Discuss:The Dopamine Gap: Understanding Anhedonia—the temporary inability to feel pleasure while your brain chemistry recalibrates after years of "instant gratification" drinking.The Danger of the "Great Reset": Why piling on too many new habits in January can burn you out and why you should "lower the bar" for your own success.The Default Plan: Steve shares his "built-in default" for when life gets stressful and why a meeting is his safe haven even when he doesn't feel like going.Sobriety in the "Muck": Dealing with physical setbacks like Lyme disease and surgery recovery, and learning to prioritize rest over "hustle".Tuesday Morning Clarity: The power of "playing the tape" and how sobriety allows us to show up for our families in ways we never could while drinking.Key Resources Mentioned:Podcast: Sober Powered with Gill Tietz (for a deep dive into the science of addiction).Book: Never Enough by Judith Grisel (on the neuroscience of the addicted brain).Book: Living Sober."If you're in your first 30 days and you didn't drink today—that's a lot. That's damn good. Lower the bar, baby." — Matt J. Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E259: You Can Still Be Sober and Have Bad Days

Send us a textYou can be sober and still have bad days — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery wrong.In this episode, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it looks like to stay sober through anxiety, physical pain, holidays, and emotional discomfort. Matt shares his experience recovering from surgery, navigating anxiety, and using prescribed pain medication safely without triggering old behaviors. Steve reflects on how holidays and stress at home can still bring up difficult feelings — even with long-term sobriety.Together, they explore an important truth: sobriety doesn’t remove life’s challenges, but it gives you tools to face them. From meetings and step work to walking, writing, acceptance, and simply sitting with uncomfortable feelings, this conversation focuses on practical ways to get through hard days without picking up a drink.If you’re struggling, feeling restless, anxious, or frustrated — especially around holidays or physical setbacks — this episode is a reminder that you don’t have to be “okay” to stay sober. You just have to stay connected and take the next right action.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E258: When Not Drinking Feels Louder Than Drinking

Send us a textHave you ever been at a party, wedding, or holiday gathering holding a soda and felt like everyone noticed you weren’t drinking?In this episode of Sober Friends, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it’s like to be the only sober person in the room—especially early on. They dig into why sobriety can feel uncomfortable in social settings, why it’s not really about the alcohol, and how losing that “social lubricant” can make everything feel louder and more exposed.They explore the spotlight effect, identity shifts, guilt and shame from past behavior, and why being around heavy or sloppy drinking can still feel unsettling—even with time sober. Most importantly, they share practical tools that actually help: making phone calls, having an exit plan, taking action when your mind starts spiraling, and learning skills that make social situations manageable instead of overwhelming.If you’re navigating parties, holidays, weddings, or work events without alcohol—and wondering if you’re doing sobriety “wrong”—this episode is for you. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. And it does get easier.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

E257: I Tried for Three Days and I Couldn’t Cope

Send us a textPete Axthelm once said he tried to quit drinking for three days — and couldn’t cope. He died at 47, convinced that life without alcohol wasn’t survivable. That sentence stopped me cold, because for many of us, it’s painfully familiar.In this episode, Steve and I talk about why quitting alcohol feels less like a choice and more like standing at the edge of a cliff. We explore the uncomfortable truth that for many alcoholics, alcohol wasn’t just the problem — it was the solution. It was how we coped with anxiety, fear, anger, and everyday life.We unpack what actually happens in the brain when alcohol is removed, why early sobriety feels unbearable, and how alcohol lies by convincing us we can’t cope without it. We also talk about why trying to do this alone can be dangerous, when medical help may be necessary, and why the feeling that “this is how I’ll feel forever” isn’t true.Most importantly, we talk about learning to cope over time — not instantly. The 12 steps, meetings, and fellowship aren’t about willpower or perfection; they’re a slow, imperfect way to build real coping skills after years of numbing. One day at a time. One step at a time. Sometimes just borrowing someone else’s confidence until you find your own.If you’re standing at the edge, wondering how you’re supposed to live without alcohol, this conversation is for you.Check out the referenced article, highly recommended about Pete Axthelm in Sports Illustrated back in 2021.Support the show📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.