The Unburdened Leader

EP 148: Naming as Leadership Practice: Soraya Chemaly on Language and Power

There is a well-known cognitive phenomenon that we are all susceptible to, and even more so when we’re stressed. And we’re all at least a little stressed and overwhelmed right now.The illusory truth effect catches us when we repeatedly hear statements and begin to assume they are true through repetition and familiarity. Things feel true, even if they couldn’t be further from it. Research has shown that sheer repetition can even override facts when we know better.Naming–systems, feelings, what we’re witnessing, what’s missing, what’s wrong–is a powerful antidote to the illusory truth effect. Naming forces us to slow down. It interrupts the repetition. We can’t meaningfully talk about integrity, values, courage, or innovation if we refuse to look directly at what is.My guest today reminds us that we can’t disrupt what we can’t name. And we can’t heal what stays vague.Soraya Chemaly is an award-winning author and activist. As a cultural critic, she writes and speaks frequently about gender norms, social justice, free speech, sexualized violence, politics, and technology. The former Executive Director of The Representation Project and Director and co-founder of the Women’s Media Center Speech Project, she has long been committed to expanding women’s civic and political participation.Her most recent book, All We Want is Everything: How We Dismantle Male Supremacy, has been called “a potent rallying cry for a beleaguered feminist movement.”  In it, she challenges dearly held beliefs about gender and equality today, drawing clear lines between the dynamics of intimate inequality and global anti-feminist, anti-democratic backlash and machofascism.Content warning: Discussion of details of the video footage leading up to Renee Good’s murder, less-detailed discussion of sexual and gender-based violence and harassmentListen to the full episode to hear:Why we need to name systems clearly and specifically in order to challenge themHow male supremacy encompasses concepts of sexism, misogyny, and patriarchy and frames them as part of a larger hierarchical systemHow we’re witnessing DARVO play out at scale in our government and media, as well as in personal interactionsHow deepfakes use the pervasive threat of sexual violence against women to dehumanize and enforce subjugationHow women play roles in passing on and enforcing male supremacyHow “the boy crisis” reinforces norms of masculinity at the expense of girls and womenWhy big tent politics that asks everyone but cis, straight men to give up fundamental rights cannot be a yardstick of successLearn more about Soraya Chemaly:WebsiteInstagram: @sorayachemalyAll We Want is Everything: How We Dismantle Male SupremacySubscribe to UnmannedLearn more about Rebecca:rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:Dechêne, A., Stahl, C., Hansen, J., & Wänke, M.. The Truth About the Truth: A Meta-Analytic Review of the Truth Effect. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 14(2), 238-257Pennycook, G., Cannon, T. D., & Rand, D. G. (2018). Prior exposure increases perceived accuracy of fake news. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(12), 1865–1880Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel KahnemanFazio, L. K., Brashier, N. M., Payne, B. K., & Marsh, E. J. (2015). Knowledge does not protect against illusory truth. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(5), 993–1002.EP 96: Rage to Action: The Leading Power of Women’s Anger with Soraya ChemalyEP 117: Rethinking Resilience: Moving from Bouncing Back to Relational Resilience with Soraya ChemalyJennifer Joy Freyd, PhD.What is DARVO ? | Jennifer Joy Freyd, PhD.11. Boy Crisis Asides and the Invisible People and Power Living in Them | UnmannedAfterlives, Abdulrazak GurnahRadiohead - CreepI'd Love to Change the World - Ten Years AfterDon't Let's Go to the Dogs TonightBlondieThe Beginning Comes After the End: Notes on a World of Change, Rebecca Solnit

EP 147: Despair Is Not a Strategy: Emerge America CEO A'shanti Gholar on Servant Leadership and the Long Game

If it feels like you’ve lived a year inside of a month right now, you’re not alone. The cycle of our times is relentless and demands more of our attention and emotional capacity than we were ever meant to carry.This disorientation makes us more prone to disengagement, burnout, cynicism, and the lure of certainty. We also risk what social psychologists call moral narrowing, where our moral attention and empathy constrict to a smaller set of people or issues—often those we identify with directly—while excluding or devaluing others outside that circle. We can become more rigid, less able to tolerate complexity, and more likely to simplify moral dilemmas into “us versus them.” Even the most caring people are susceptible to moral narrowing when they’re constantly overwhelmed. But we can build skills that help us move through grief, tolerate uncertainty, and stay engaged without losing ourselves.We need to train for these times, not just intellectually, but relationally and somatically. We need to be able to stay in the room long enough to build lasting connections and coalitions.My guest today models what it looks like to think and lead with the long game in mind while also tending to present-day relationships and her own well-being. She reminds us that despair is not a strategy and that steady, relational, local action is how we keep the future from being decided by the loudest and most reckless forces in the room.A’shanti F. Gholar is the President & CEO of Emerge, the nation’s largest network of women elected officials and candidates. A’shanti co-founded Emerge Nevada in 2006, was named Emerge’s national policy director in 2016, and became the first Black woman to lead Emerge in February 2020. Under A’shanti’s leadership, Emerge has experienced unprecedented growth and success. With affiliates in over two dozen states, more than 1,200 alums in office, and over 6,500 Democratic women trained to run for office and win, Emerge has become a force to be reckoned with in the political landscape. She is also the founder of The Brown Girls Guide to Politics and its award-winning podcast, which The Guardian recognized as a “practical guide to progressive activism.” Listen to the full episode to hear:How A’shanti learned early on the power of getting involved at the local levelHow Emerge helps women recognize the value of their skills and lived experiences in holding political positionsHow centering the “why” helps Emerge candidates get elected, fight through the hard days, and get re-elected at high ratesWhy servant leadership is at the core of how Emerge trains candidates to leadHow every day micro engagements in your community add up to make a difference and keep hope alive for the long haulWhy representation, visibility, and mentorship are vital to changing the narrative of who can run for and hold officeLearn more about A’shanti Gholar:EmergeThe Brown Girls Guide to Politics PodcastInstagram: @ashantigholarLearn more about Rebecca:rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age, Shannon WattsNot My Type: One Woman vs. a President, E. Jean Carroll Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love SongStranger Things

EP 146: Regulated Leadership: Nervous System Skills Every Leader Needs with Deb Dana

Our nervous systems form the foundation of how we move through the world. It is the filter for our thoughts, behaviors, and interpretations.And when our nervous systems are dysregulated, it impacts how we show up for ourselves, our loved ones, and those we lead.Emotional regulation isn’t as simple as a human equivalent of turning your computer off and on again. But it is an essential practice to learn to notice dysregulation, and develop skills and practices to bring us back when we’ve spiraled or disconnected.As we head into another year of challenges and uncertainty, personally and societally, I’m coming back to my conversation on Polyvagal Theory with Deb Dana from earlier this year, which also happens to be the most downloaded episode of 2025. When the stakes are high, it only makes sense that so many of us are looking for ways to cope. Polyvagal practice offers a compassionate map to ourselves, and helps us build the adaptability, curiosity, compassion, and connection that are most needed in leadership right now.Deb Dana, LCSW, is a clinician, consultant, author, and international lecturer on polyvagal theory-informed work with trauma survivors and is the leading translator of this scientific work to the public and mental health professionals. She's a founding member of the Polyvagal Institute and creator of the signature Rhythm of Regulation® clinical training series.Deb's work shows us how understanding polyvagal theory applies across the board to relationships, mental health, and trauma. She delves into the intricacies of how we can all use and understand the organizing principles of polyvagal theory to change the ways we navigate our daily lives.Listen to the full episode to hear:How regulation practices help us build the capacity to return to ourselves when we’ve been challengedHow subconscious survival responses hijack our ability to problem solve and narrow our optionsHow tiny moments of noticing can add up to big changes in your capacity to find regulationWhy we need skills for coming back to regulation in order to engage with discomfort and struggle in our lives and in the worldHow leaders can create connected, collaborative environments for themselves and those they leadLearn more about Deb Dana:Rhythm of RegulationLearn more about Rebecca:rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:Stephen PorgesThe Nightingale, Kristin HannahBlue: The History of a Color, Michel PastoureauCéline Dion, Andrea Bocelli - The PrayerHalloween Baking ChampionshipHoliday Baking ChampionshipThe Great British Baking Show

EP 145: Leading Through Outrage: Why Moral Imagination Matters with Dr. Kurt Gray

How do we stay awake and aware without constantly being outraged? Or, perhaps even worse, normalizing what should be utterly unacceptable?Staying human is hard in this environment. So many leaders are trying to hold onto their boundaries and values against pressure to act contrary to them, to stay compassionate and curious when so many forces benefit from and encourage our outrage.Anger, rage, and outrage are powerful and can be useful emotions. But when we live from a perpetual state of outrage, we lose access to the self-leadership and adaptive skills that help us lead well, and eventually it takes us out.Today’s guest is here to help us understand what outrage really is, why it’s so potent right now, how it becomes weaponized, and how we can use it without losing ourselves.Kurt Gray is a social psychologist who studies our moral minds and how best to bridge political divides. Gray received his PhD from Harvard University, and now directs the Deepest Beliefs Lab at The Ohio State University. He also leads the Center for the Science of Moral Understanding, which explores new ways to reduce polarization, and is a Field Builder in the New Pluralists, which seeks to build a more pluralistic America.Gray’s work on morality, politics, religion, creativity, and AI has been widely discussed in the media, including the New York Times, the Economist, Scientific American, Wired, and Hidden Brain. He is the co-author of the book The Mind Club: Who Thinks, What Feels and Why it Matters, and the author of Outraged: Why We Fight about Morality and Politics. Listen to the full episode to hear:How Kurt’s childhood experiences with his stepmother’s conservative, evangelical family have informed his thinking about how we can connect despite differencesHow our human wiring for threat detection causes “harm creep,” even while many of us are safer than everHow our outrage is connected to our perceptions of our risk and vulnerabilityHow our moral imagination helps us maintain our empathy and humanity without losing sight of our values and boundariesWhy we need to learn to recognize destruction narratives and how they’re being used to sow divisionWhy leading with facts and statistics fails in moral and political arguments and how we can more effectively begin to bridge the gapsWhy we need to leave room for uncertainty and humility in our convictionsLearn more about Kurt Gray, PhD:WebsiteConnect on LinkedInMoral Understanding NewsletterOutraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common GroundThe Mind Club: Who Thinks, What Feels, and Why it MattersLearn more about Rebecca:rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, Brené BrownRage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger, Soraya ChemalyEP 96: Rage to Action: The Leading Power of Women’s Anger with Soraya ChemalyBrené Brown on the State of Leadership in America Today | On with Kara SwisherEP 52: Charlie Gilkey: Leading With What Matters MostDaryl DavisSaja Boys - "Your Idol"Stranger Things Bad ThoughtsOrdinary People Change the World Series, Brad Meltzer and Christopher Eliopoulos

EP 144: Faithful Skepticism: Questioning Without Losing Hope with David Adey

Every day, we’re flooded with information–headlines, opinions, advice, noise. And beneath that deluge of input, we carry stories that tell us how we stay safe and what asking questions will cost us.Certainty too often feels like safety. So we rush to respond before we understand and defend before we discern. We don’t pause to reflect or to question the loudest voices in the room–proverbial or otherwise.But certainty at the expense of discernment can damage our connections to each other and to ourselves. Leadership that builds connection and trust for the long term requires us to cultivate the courage to ask questions and follow the answers, even when it’s uncomfortable. When we catch an old story running the show and stay curious instead of certain, we can metabolize what’s driving reactivity and protection. It’s how we stay open, grounded, and self-led in a world that rewards reactivity.My guest in this conversation refers to this practice as faithful skepticism: asking hard questions without abandoning hope. When I read his moving essay, “Groomed by the Church: How The Clash Saved My Soul,” I knew I had to invite him here to discuss the importance of refining our discernment and cultivating skepticism as a vital tool for effective leadership. And how music serves as a powerful trailhead–both as a cultural lightning rod and as a catalyst for self-discovery. David Adey is a multimedia artist based in San Diego, CA. His work has been exhibited at The Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego, Orange County Museum of Art, Crystal Bridges Museum, Minneapolis Institute of Art, Frist Center for The Visual Arts, Oceanside Museum of Art, Cranbrook Art Museum, and venues nationally and internationally. His work has been featured in publications including Art in America, LA Weekly, The Huffington Post, Wired Magazine, Thisiscolossal, and PBS. He received his MFA in sculpture from Cranbrook Academy of Art. Adey is a professor of art and design at Point Loma Nazarene University.Listen to the full episode to hear:How an outing to see a Black Sabbath cover band inspired David’s essayHow the parallels of the Satanic Panic of his youth and our current cultural moment took the essay from journal entry to published workWhy David believes in the power of being offensive with a purposeHow the church’s narrow focus on spiritual dangers came at a cost to real life safetyHow David’s teenaged experiences inform how he now leads his students and parents his childrenThe impact of his mother’s support when he both wanted to reject his musical loves and then reconnect with themWhy faithful skepticism is a powerful antidote for certainty and cynicismLearn more about David Adey:WebsiteInstagram: @davidadey.studioLearn more about Rebecca:rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaThe Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:Groomed By the Church: How The Clash Saved My Soul | The RumpusSatanic panicJeff KoonsThe Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, Jonathan HaidtNorth Country, Gillian Welch and David RawlingsLootStar WarsRichard RohrThich Nhat Hanh