Sarah Part 2 of 3: When Parents Struggle with Control

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. 

Time Stamps

4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective 

6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis

7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word

7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversation

• One way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulated
• Two way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives

13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions

15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behavior

• Parents often miss when a child is being respectful

19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent

21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated

• 22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true 

24: 50 Role play with validation

27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. 

• Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions

28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak

32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo

33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment

35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn

36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelings

Resources:  

Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic Synthesis

Leslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own Advice

Leslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by Sarah

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support