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'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’
‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’
‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’
‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’
Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’
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