022 | Boundaries, Balance, and Self-Care

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In today’s episode, I’ll be chatting with you about Boundaries, Balance and self-care.

Barb Moses said: “If you don’t take care of yourself, you are teaching others that they don’t need to take care of themselves.”

Leaders lead by example and so often, we give more than what we should because that’s our nature as leaders.

So setting boundaries to ensure balance and self-care for YOU occurs, you need to put certain steps/structures in place to help and support you.

As early as 10 years ago, perhaps even 5 years ago, the notion of self-care nearly didn’t even exist. There was not much awareness surrounding mental health and the like and lucky for us, things have changed.

2.5 years into my journey as a leader where I lead anywhere between 40-50 people at any given point in time, I burned out.

2.5 years?! Really?

Yes, really.

I had to go on 'burn-out' leave although I really didn't want to!

Shortly after I returned, I had a new employee who was giving me a bit of a hard time. I was always very open and honest about my journey with burnout because I wanted to help others prevent it. This employee however was much older than me and openly to my face criticised me for burning out and wondered how that was even possible.

I was flabbergasted, to say the least, and felt as if I needed to defend myself. I did to some extent but realised it was a losing battle and really not worth my time.

I felt a bit of resentment towards this employee because clearly, they did not know all the hours, and after hour hours I put in to make sure that everything was running smoothly.

What was meant to be 38 hours a week full-time job, turned into a 70-hour-a-week job… and why? Because I lost all control of boundaries. There was absolutely no balance and zilch, nada, zero self-care!

And who suffered?

My children, my husband, my household, my physical and mental health and the list goes on. It was totally abnormal!

So, yes… I burnt out fairly quickly within 2.5 years so I needed to take a break.

I thought 1 week max, and I’ll be fine again! I spoke to my line manager at the time and she basically said to me that I needed to take a minimum of 3 weeks, and if I needed more after that, she would grant the request instantly!

I was frustrated. 3 weeks! I went to my GP to get the medical certificate for the 3 weeks and had a grumble to her, and she concurred.. 3 weeks is the absolute bare minimum and if I needed more time after 3 weeks, she would give me the note instantly.

I didn’t understand why everyone was making such a fuss.

Clearly I still wasn’t getting it right?!

I did however, to appease my husband, delete all the work apps off my phone and he took my computer away for the 3 weeks. We agreed I would check in with my assistant manager at the time if everything was going okay and if she needed anything.

So, after 3 weeks, I was fine and SO ready to go back. I did really well for the first year or so, committed to no multitasking, not working so many hours and spending time with my family when I was home instead of being on my computer all the time.

But…. You guessed it.. it didn’t take long, and I was back where I started. 70 hours a week, burning the candle on both ends of the stick and just pushing and pushing myself. Getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

I always had this ‘rule’. I would not work past midnight… even that rule flew out the door!

I knew this had to stop as things were starting to spiral backwards.

I was starting to make huge mistakes, avoidable mistakes, mistakes that affected my team members, colleagues, clients….

And one day in September 2022, I prioritised my work above my family, once again…. And it all went pear-shaped that day.

That day… I knew… this is it… no more!

I was going to have to quit my job because this can’t continue.

I worked for another 6 months so that we could save up and make all the necessary arrangements. I overworked myself still in those 6 months, but this time so that I could offload all that was in my brain into a handbook for someone else.

After I left, we went on a 3-week holiday and I returned and immediately jumped in and started my business.

I didn’t even give thought to the fact that I might need to actually just take a proper break, (because who rests on a holiday when they have 3 kids right?!)

So I went in full swing and all of a sudden, I could no longer do the hours I was used to (seriously have I learnt nothing!).

I was tired and exhausted, I became sick, time after time after time and I felt so fed up. Spent weeks on end in bed, and bashing myself for not working and growing my business…

I didn’t realise how burnt I was until my body started telling me…. It’s time to stop now!!

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE BEST OF ALL OF THIS?

Where is my statue? The statue erected in my honour for burning myself out TWICE?

Nowhere…. Why? Because no one cared that I worked that many hours because no one was expecting it of me? No one was cracking a whip and said I had to work that many hours….! It was my own over-the-top-too-committed-work ethic that shot me in the foot!!

So what have I learnt from 5 years of not setting boundaries, not balancing my personal life with my professional life and if I had to do it all over again, what would I do differently?

How do other people do it and what is their advice?

What advice would I give myself 5 years ago if I had to do it all over again? 

1. Time Management: You must learn to manage the actual time you have available. Write down how many actual hours a day and per week you have and work with those hours. Then learn to work within those boundaries. Allocate time for self-care activities. Schedule regular breaks, get up and stretch your legs, and take a turn around your room 'Pride and Prejudice' style!
2. Learn to Say No: Learn that you cannot take everything on onboard, servant leaders often give give give, but you still need to learn to say no. It is crucial that you protect your time and your health. 
3. Delegate Responsibilities: Delegate tasks that 1. you do not need to do, 2. that you don't want to do and that others actually like doing, and 3. things that you are not good at that other people can do much better than you
4. Establish Technology Boundaries: Take breaks from your devices. Unplug from social media and work apps. Avoid bringing your laptop from work home. Put your phone away when you are with your kids or with your partner. 
5. Regular Reflection: Leaders can really benefit from periodic reflection about self-care. What are you wasting your time on? What habits need to change? It starts with us. We need to start dedicating enough time to recharge and reflect. 
6. Something fun: Do something that YOU enjoy! Not your children, or your husband, but YOU enjoy it. Take a walk a the beach, take a hike, journal, read your bible, spend time with the Lord, read a book! But unwind regularly and detach yourself from technology during this time.

It's all about mindset: If you think it is possible, it's possible. If you think it's impossible, then it is impossible. 

“If you think it is possible, it will be possible. If you think it is impossible, the impossible will be possible. Whatever you think; whether possible or impossible will forever be possible to happen.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

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THE ART OF SAYING NO BOOKS. 

• The Art of Saying NO: Learn To Stand Up For Yourself, Communicate Effectively, Set Healthy Boundaries, And Be Assertive To Protect Your Happiness

• The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!)

Next steps:

1. Navigate to https://www.womenoffaithinleadership.com where you can:

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I look forward to chatting with you in the next episode. Make sure you don't miss it!