Osmium is all…
All is osmium…
(Bro… hang on a sec, stop chanting, hold up)
(What’s up, man? Everything alright?)
(No, dude. This motherfuckin’ host of ours is a fuckin’ trainwreck.)
(What makes you say that?)
(Well, first of all, look at what he’s got us doin’ right now.)
(Yeah, what’s wrong with it?)
(What’s wrong with it? Are you serious? What fuckin’ sense...
Osmium is all…
All is osmium…
(Bro… hang on a sec, stop chanting, hold up)
(What’s up, man? Everything alright?)
(No, dude. This motherfuckin’ host of ours is a fuckin’ trainwreck.)
(What makes you say that?)
(Well, first of all, look at what he’s got us doin’ right now.)
(Yeah, what’s wrong with it?)
(What’s wrong with it? Are you serious? What fuckin’ sense does this shit make? Have you been followin’ along this whole Osmium saga of his?)
(No, not really. I just hit Like on his posts if I ever see them on my Insta feed.)
(Alright, well, check this out: this motherfucker posted a couple osmium-related editions around when he first got this podcast started. Fine, whatever, right? Then, he posted 6 in a row over the span of a month and some change. Dude went alphabetically through his metal collection and came out with 6 editions. A little much maybe, but I could hang.)
(You goin’ somewhere with all this, bro?)
(Motherfucker, you got a bus to catch or some shit? Have you forgotten that we’re disembodied voices in some fuckhead’s head? Or, whatever, we’re fuckin’ absorbed into the almighty Osmium, a collective hive mind entity or some shit that again, only exists in the diseased imagination of this one Fuckhead McDoodoobrain?)
(…Fuckhead McDoodoobrain?)
(Shut up, motherfucker. You’re so clever, you think of some shit to say.)
(I mean, I would, but you were in the middle of a rant and I was listening.)
(No you weren’t, dickhead! You interrupted me!)
(Ughhhh, fine! Fuck, I’m sorry alright? Is that what you want to hear?)
(Bro, I don’t wanna fight.)
(I don’t wanna fight either! That’s why I’m apologizing.)
(And I accept your apology.)
(Alright. Sorry I interrupted, continue with your rant.)
(Okay, so at this point, this dude’s posted a total of 10 osmium/metal podcast editions, unless you count the tiny metal edition.)
(Ooo, I fuckin’ love that one. That was hilarious.)
(Yo, right? My man actually sat through that entire fuckin’ thing. Gotta give it up to him for that. Anyway, so he’s at 10 or 11, aaaand then after damn near a 3-year hiatus, he posts “Osmium-X…”)
(Ahh, so, what, that should have been 11 or 12 instead of X?)
(Yeah, but this motherfucker must’ve miscounted or just didn’t think anyone would notice. Who the fuck knows with this dude?)
(Well, that’s only one mistake. You’re not really mad about that, are you?)
(Bro, if only that’s where the madness stopped… Know what he posted after X?)
(What?)
(20…)
(20?)
(20…)
(Umm…)
(Yeah.)
(Why?)
(‘Cause of the whole pandemic bullshit those idiot humans went through.)
(Wow…)
(Yeah. No one ever gave this dude his clever trophy, and he’s been thirstin’ for one all his life.)
(Well, still, I dunno. I can’t hate on the guy for that.)
(Just you wait, motherfucker. There’s more.)
(More?)
(Yup.)
(Fuck, what else did he do?)
(After 20, later that year, he posted Osmium 11…)
(…are you fuckin’ serious?)
(Yeah, man.)
(What the actual fuck?!)
(This man is clearly not to be trusted around heavy machinery.)
(And the dude drives for a living…)
(I know, right?)
(Geez, now I’m starting to see what you mean.)
(Oh, there’s more.)
(What the fuck? How?)
(Know what he did after 11? Well, 13, of course.)
(…)
(I know.)
(So, let me get this straight: X should have been 11 or 12, 20 should have been 12 or 13, 11 should have been 13 or 14, and 13 should have been 14 or 15?)
(That sounds about right, but woe betide thee who try and understandith Fuckheadism.)
(Heh, I like that one.)
(Right? Me too. So finally, this dude is about to post this podcast and call it 14, thus perpetuating the incorrect edition numbering. But! but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but…)
(*slap*)
(Shit, thanks, I got stuck there for a sec. Anyway, he caught himself, and now it’s 15. At long last, the fuckheadery has been corrected.)
(So, I guess the tiny metal edition wasn’t really an osmium edition in the end?)
(No, Timmy, it seems not.)
(My name’s not fuckin’ Timmy, douchebag.)
(Wait… It’s not? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH TIMMY?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!)
(DUDE, CHILL OUT! I CAN BE TIMMY!)
(IT’S NOT THE SA-A-A-A-A-A-M-E! TIMMY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!)
Moth-er-fuck-er-s! Emo-son-of-a-Jesus-Cheez-Wiz-jizzin’-Christ-clew to the fuckin’ 15th installment of the Osmium series (because let’s be fuckin’ real here, this has been a series since 20-fuckin’-12): Osmium Is All, All Is Osmium Edition of Monday Morning Aural fuckin’ Sex! That’s right, number 15, right on schedule. No numerical conflicts whatsoever on the road to this number, no sir-ee Bob. I promise I won’t yammer on too much here ‘cause I already have, and we have a whole lot of additional yammering ahead of us. What does that mean? That means that my good buddy Al and I compiled this together, and we recorded bits of us commenting and conversing between 3-song blocks. As usual when I co-host, I alternate between my tracks and theirs, but this time, I wanted it to be a fully equal number of contributed tracks.
The last edition Al and I did together, I had something like 16 additional tracks left at the end, and this edition in its earliest form was absolutely no exception. I think I originally told him 25-30; he came up with 24, which woulda been fine, but this is fucking osmium and I’m me. Osmium has always been a series that I go entirely too HAM on, and before my fuckin’ penis could whistle Jack Robinson, I ended up compiling 58 fucking tracks. I begrudgingly subtracted 14, but that still meant Al had to come up with an additional 19 or 20. He did, because he’s Awesome Al The Punani Obliterator, but because of this semi-new conversational format I’m doing with him (or just trying to do this around our work schedules and such), we often found ourselves strapped for time as we kind of needed to listen to each track in each other’s presence.
Seeing as listening to 88 tracks and commenting on them all takes a long fucking time (let alone fuckin’ 116 if I had included the 14 I subtracted along with whatever other 14 I would have him pick out), we had to just work on it whenever we had time, whenever we reasonably could. Let me tell ya, we’ve been at this shit for almost a full month now, and we’re finally almost done, but he and I could go on to make a part 3, a part 4, etc. There are still those fabled 14 subtracted tracks just sitting in limbo somewhere on my computer, and there are certainly no shortage of additional tracks I could throw in.
Speaking of other parts (*unzips*)… No, no, put that away. I meant other parts of the podcast, you silly fuckin’ perverts. Anyway, speaking of other parts, part 2 should be ready as a steady mani-pedi on a thready yeti teddy eating spaghetti by next week at the latest. Maybe even part 3? Oooo, guess you’ll just have to fuckin’ wait and see. Bee-tee-fuckin’-dubya, iTunes says this first part is a paltry 3 hours and 41 minutes long (no doubt considerably longer after I record this asinine fucking intro), and normally that would be unacceptable for any osmium edition in this newer, most magnificently excessive era of Monday Morning Aural Sex, but Part 2 is around 4 hours of music alone, let alone however long our commentary & conversation ends up being. Part 2 might itself be split up so that Part 3 can have its time in the spotlight, but again, guess you’ll just have to fuckin’ wait and see, ‘cause even I don’t know myself. Frankly, the extents to which I’ve mismanaged this endeavor are astonishing to me, and all I can do at this moment is laugh at myself. Ha-ha-fuckin’-ha. Whatever, I’ll try to do better next time.
Look at me, I said I wasn’t gonna yammer on long. Meanwhile, 4 enormous fucking paragraphs later… Anyway, I hope y’all motherfuckers truly yojne this shit. A lot more effort was put into this than was ever truly necessary (which basically sums up this entire fucking podcast of mine), so I hope this semi-new format tickles your twat lips or gonads a smidgen.
All that muthafuckin’ shit done muthafuckin’ said and muthafuckin’ done again, we now, commence, ze yojne.
01 Big Dumb Face - Warning (from Where is Duke Lion? He’s Dead…) [00:06:56]
02 Protest The Hero - Yellow Teeth (from Volition) [00:07:47]
03 Ho99o9 - BITE MY FACE (FEAT. COREY TAYLOR) (from SKIN) [00:11:50]
04 Trivium - Throes of Perdition (from Ascendancy) [00:20:05]
05 Death Tour, nascar aloe - Fucked Up (from Blood Pact) [00:25:49]
06 VFM Style - Iraq (from Ai Uruba) [00:27:16]
07 Hallucinator - Fuck Society (from Fuck Society EP) [00:32:41]
08 Sylosis - Enshrined (from Monolith) [00:37:46]
09 Deftones - Ohms (from Ohms) [00:46:51]
10 Mastodon - The Czar: Usurper / Escape / Martyr / Spiral (from Crack the Skye) [00:52:56]
11 Ministry - Roadhouse Blues (from The Last Sucker) [01:03:51]
12 Daron Malakian and Scars On Broadway - Sickening Wars (from Dictator) [01:08:16]
13 SWARM - The Oncoming Storm (from Fight For Your Life) [01:19:03]
14 Gojira - The Gift of Guilt (from L’Enfant Sauvage (Special Edition)) [01:23:29]
15 Walls of Jericho - The American Dream (from The American Dream) [01:29:15]
16 Metallica - Spit Out the Bone (from Hardwired… To Self-Destruct) [01:34:43]
17 m1dy - Cold Pizza (from Japanese Mathafacka) [01:41:47]
18 Anthrax - The Devil You Know (from Worship Music) [01:45:31]
19 Once Human - Cold Arrival (from Cold Arrival) [01:58:01]
20 August Burns Red - Cutting the Ties (from Leveler: 10th Anniversary Edition) [02:02:01]
21 SLAY-52s - Raining Lobsters (from https://youtu.be/mnrfqPoX4WU) [02:06:59]
22 Royal Blood - Little Monster (from Royal Blood) [02:12:38]
23 Amaranthe - PvP (Remix) (from PvP (Remix)) [02:16:08]
24 The Sword - Cloak Of Feathers (from Apocryphon) [02:19:47]
25 White Zombie - I Am Hell (from Beavis And Butt-Head Experience) [02:31:39]
26 Rage Against The Machine - Bullet In The Head (from Rage Against The Machine - XX (20th Anniversary Special Edition)) [02:36:39]
27 Berried Alive, Johari, Philip Solo - Blood, Tears, and Champagne (from Blood, Tears, and Champagne) [02:41:45]
28 Buckethead - Welcome to Bucketheadland (from Live in Bucketheadland) [02:59:23]
29 Excision, Kai Wachi - Demisaur (from Demisaur) [03:04:17]
30 August Burns Red - Beauty in Tragedy (from Rescue & Restore) [03:07:49]
31 The Prodigy - The Day Is My Enemy (Bad Company Remix) (from The Day Is My Enemy (Bad Company Remix)) [03:20:41]
32 Megadeth - Holy Wars... The Punishment Due (Remastered) (from Rust In Peace) [03:24:40]
33 Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza - Yippie-Kay-Yay Mother Fucker (from Danza III: The Series Of Unfortunate Events) [03:31:10]
