Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to take on the Horniest Hallmark Movie ever (by Hallmark standards), but first we find out that Kurt has finally watched the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix... and a video of Blac Chyna twerking on OnlyFans. This leads Jason to the realization that pole dancing is way easier in outer space (no gravity!). All this talk of porn sites and pole dancing makes the guys realize it's time to talk about a Hallmark movie, 2016's Wedding Bells starring Danica McKellar. Luckily, Kurt thinks he's ok with Danica now after not wanting to give Danica her due on an earlier episode of this podcast ("Christmas at Dollywood is a Chance to Debate the Merits of Peppermint vs. Wint-O-Green"). We find out that Danica's character had a disturbing childhood filled with diet foods and (we assume) a philandering father, but not as disturbing as her love interest whose dad is torn between being played by Bruce Boxleitner (The Scarecrow and Mrs. King) and Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers). Les is not fulfilled by the movies many many montages as none of them include dressing up and twirling, so the guys all realize that they need to find the zen of Petticoat Junction... followed by 20 minutes of nationally televised dry humping.
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Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Cheer Camp Killer Needs to Hire a Shirtless Kinesiologist Who is Steeped in Mediocrity
Falling for Look Lodge Just Makes Us Realize that All Hallmark Movies are Basically Baby Boom without Diane Keaton’s Giant Hats
Deranged Granny Bakes an Apple Pie Full of Poison and Cable Ace Awards
Love in the Forecast Benjamin Button-s Through A Once-Promising Career Towards a Mediocre Internship
Wedding Every Weekend Has Lesbians! Interracial Couples! No Dead Parents! Bears! Mr. Belvedere!
The Twisted Nanny Knows a Spoonful of Sugar Makes The Murderin' Go Down
Check Inn to Christmas with Candace Cameron Bure and Hallmark's (maybe) first LGBTQ+ Couple
The Wrong Wedding Planner Blows an Angel's Trumpet Into Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, and Pauly Shore's Mutilated Cake
Check Inn to Christmas to Take the Polar Express Train to a Penis Shaped Inn with Al from Home Improvement
The Wrong Mommy and Sisqo Once Did a TV Pilot with Bob Newhart, but not Tracy Nelson
You'll Swipe Left On Hallmark's Matching Hearts Because Jackee Isn't In it And Neither is Happy The Dog
Watching The Wrong Neighbor a Second Time is Like Watching Michael Madsen's Performance Post-Lunch
The Psycho Yoga Instructor Will Murder You After Savasana and a Smoothie with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Larry, Daryl, and Daryl
The Wrong Cheerleader Doesn’t Know How To Cheer, but DOES Know How To Snag a Shirtless 30 Year Old from Shank Manor
In the Key of Love Unlocks An Adam Sandler Rabbit Hole to Scatman Crothers' Cookies
Parker Lewis Wants to Marry The Wrong Stepmother Even Though She Isn't Vivica A. Fox or Tracy Nelson
The Killer Prom Queen is a Moira Rose Impression Taking Advantage of Rent Control
My Nightmare Landlord, My BFF Young Peter Frampton, and my Ex BF Young Crispin Glover
Fashionably Yours Gives You Lauren's Cookies and Some Marie Kondo Realness
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