Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth.
That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity.
Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show's preposterousness—can't seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job duties.
It's a shame. Baywatch is well cast. The Rock (Mitch Buchannon whose mentor is Mitch Buchannon?) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody) have decent chemistry. They're just not given much to work with. Written by a hodgepodge of people, the film's issues can all be attributed to its mishmash of a script.
Thus, like a bloated body washed up on the sands of Emerald Bay, Baywatch was dead on arrival. It earned $177.9 million on a budget of $69 million—with only $58 million of that coming domestically. It was also lashed by critics, sitting at 17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 246 reviews.
But, hey, a day at the beach always goes better with a beer. So sit back, bask in the sun with an ice cold Florida Man Double IPA from Cigar City Brewing, and watch out for sand grifters! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are staying ready. Forever and always!
This Week’s Segments:
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The Blackening – Enter the Game Room
Any Given Sunday – Steamin’
Dazed and Confused – L-I-V-I-N!
The Replacements – Chicks Dig Scars
The Faculty – Skat Man
Heavyweights – We’re Feeling Skinny, Tony
Wet Hot American Summer – Show Us the Fever
Indian Summer – Dirty Dogs
Sleepaway Camp – Dude Looks Like a Lady
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny – One Last Ride
Mac and Me – We’re Not Loving It
Heartbeeps – Request for Humor Denied
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace – Cast It into the Sun
Tiptoes – We Know What We Are!
Fast X – You Made One Mistake ... You Never Took Our Mics
X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Declawed
Rocky V – Punch Drunk
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Knowledge is Our Treasure
Robocop 3 – Needs to be Decommissioned
Alien Covenant – Demented David’s Dungeon of Curiosities
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