Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth.
That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity.
Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show's preposterousness—can't seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job duties.
It's a shame. Baywatch is well cast. The Rock (Mitch Buchannon whose mentor is Mitch Buchannon?) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody) have decent chemistry. They're just not given much to work with. Written by a hodgepodge of people, the film's issues can all be attributed to its mishmash of a script.
Thus, like a bloated body washed up on the sands of Emerald Bay, Baywatch was dead on arrival. It earned $177.9 million on a budget of $69 million—with only $58 million of that coming domestically. It was also lashed by critics, sitting at 17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 246 reviews.
But, hey, a day at the beach always goes better with a beer. So sit back, bask in the sun with an ice cold Florida Man Double IPA from Cigar City Brewing, and watch out for sand grifters! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are staying ready. Forever and always!
This Week’s Segments:
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Snake Eyes – Crapped Out
The Lone Ranger – Wendigo Hammer
Dune – Spice Up Your Life
Club Dread – Naughty Cal
They Live – All Out of Bubblegum
Event Horizon – Brain Dead Space
Tin Cup – Bland Trap
Ed – Monkey Trouble
Side Out – Sponsored by MetLife
The Program – Place at the Table
Last Man Standing – No, Not the Tim Allen Show
Hudson Hawk – Scat Burglar
Cop Out – Bruce is Too Old for This S**t
The Suicide Squad – Passion Fruit Starfish
A Good Day to Die Hard – Davai Hard
F9: The Fast Saga – Space Cars
Legend – Glitter and Bubbles
Krull – Murder Frisbee
Conan the Barbarian – What's Worst in Life?
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