Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth.
That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity.
Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show's preposterousness—can't seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job duties.
It's a shame. Baywatch is well cast. The Rock (Mitch Buchannon whose mentor is Mitch Buchannon?) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody) have decent chemistry. They're just not given much to work with. Written by a hodgepodge of people, the film's issues can all be attributed to its mishmash of a script.
Thus, like a bloated body washed up on the sands of Emerald Bay, Baywatch was dead on arrival. It earned $177.9 million on a budget of $69 million—with only $58 million of that coming domestically. It was also lashed by critics, sitting at 17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 246 reviews.
But, hey, a day at the beach always goes better with a beer. So sit back, bask in the sun with an ice cold Florida Man Double IPA from Cigar City Brewing, and watch out for sand grifters! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are staying ready. Forever and always!
This Week’s Segments:
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Mallrats – Stay Off the Escalator, Kids
Hackers – Crash and Burn
The Big Lebowski – The Pod Abides
Warcraft – Bone Dragons for the Win
The Legend of Chun-Li – A Spinning Bird Kick to the Senses
Postal – Burn it All Down
Super Mario Bros. – Flushed Down the Warp Pipe
Congo – Smart Gorillas, Dumb Script
Orca – Death Fish
Con Air – Fly Hard
Howard the Duck – Party Fowl
Primal – Cage Exotic
Drive Angry – Coming Like a Bat Out of Hell
Vampire's Kiss – Cage Uncaged
Face/Off – Whee! What a Predicament!
Lethal Weapon 4 – Guilty of Sequelitis
The Ghost and the Darkness – Oh, Here They Come...They're Man-Eaters
The Adventures of Pluto Nash – Lost in Space
Dante's Peak – "Handsome" Harry vs the Volcano
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