The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is everything wrong with modern-day cinema. It takes a classic property—in this case, both a beloved ballet and story—and turns it into a paint-by-numbers adventure tale. Folks, this is a literal CGI-invested hellscape of banal ideas and idiotic plot.
Worse, it's essentially a template that Disney has beaten to death—think Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland or The Chronicles of Narnia. One of those at least did its property justice. Point is, we've treaded this ground before, and we've done so in the far too recent past.
This film is creatively bankrupt. Obviously, that wasn't by design, so what went wrong? For starters, there's zero need to turn The Nutcracker into a swashbuckling, realm-saving war movie—let alone one filled with over the top effects. With a budget of $133 million—approximately $100 million more than was necessary to bring this to contemporary audiences—it's clear they understood neither the beauty, nor the grace of the ballet.
I'm not alone in thinking this. It grossed just $174 million, netting Disney an over $60 million loss on the project. Critics shared in our collective scorn. It sits at 32% on Rotten Tomatoes with 202 reviews; the users were slightly more kind, 34%.
Listeners, this one is a mess from start to finish. So as you watch it, just think about fonder things and attempt to identify the scenes they reshot (there were 32 days of reshoots on this). Try as we might, it was all so bland, we couldn't figure it out.
But that's nothing a fine beer won't fix. So sit back, unlock an I'll Have What She's Having from Evil Genius Beer Co., and snack on a lock of your own hair! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Chumpzilla, and Mayor McCheese, are bounding through the four realms as a collection of killer acrobatic clowns!
This Week’s Segments:
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8-Bit Christmas – Super Merry-o
Out Cold – Playboy Bunny Slope
Home Sweet Home Alone – Make It Stop
Terminator Genisys – Rotten Member Berries
The Rocketeer – The Antifa Adventurer that isn’t Dr. Jones
Snake Eyes – Crapped Out
The Lone Ranger – Wendigo Hammer
Dune – Spice Up Your Life
Club Dread – Naughty Cal
They Live – All Out of Bubblegum
Event Horizon – Brain Dead Space
Tin Cup – Bland Trap
Ed – Monkey Trouble
Side Out – Sponsored by MetLife
The Program – Place at the Table
Last Man Standing – No, Not the Tim Allen Show
Hudson Hawk – Scat Burglar
Cop Out – Bruce is Too Old for This S**t
The Suicide Squad – Passion Fruit Starfish
A Good Day to Die Hard – Davai Hard
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