V is for Victory Not Victim

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are celebrating the victory of life! No one is in the partying mood every day, nor does every day feel like a party. We can see the obstacles ahead of us and feel defeated before we ever get started. We can carry the struggles and failures of our past with us making each step harder than the last. Or we can choose to step out, unencumbered, empowered with positivity, and believe “V” is for VICTORY not, victim. It’s a choice and you have it. Some days you’re naturally pumped because everything is going just as planned, fists in the air, the crowd chanting in your head, and other days, it’s all you can do to show up. What you tell yourself and how you attack your day directly affects your outcome.

Someone one time...ok actually people ask me all the time, “are you always this happy?”. Sometimes they phrase it as a statement; “You can’t NOT be this happy all the time!”  And they would be correct but “this happy” is relative. I realize that my mood is my choice and no one can make me feel anything I don’t want to feel. 

A follow-up question or statement I usually hear next is, “how do you let things roll off your back so easily?” Well the answer to that is, I don’t always. But again, I have to make a conscious effort to let go and move one. The primary reason I find that so doable is, I don’t like to be in a bad mood. I don’t like the feelings of stress, anxiety, or sadness. I don’t like to be melancholy or irritated. You know what I do like, problem-solving and diverting my attention to things that make me happy, feel creative, or that nourish my soul. It’s a bonus when I can pick up all three feelings in the same activity. 

We dig a little deeper into victimization and feeling victimized to understand how to achieve victory. 

Crystal Raypole walks us through this exercise in an article she wrote for Healthline.com: How to Identify and Deal with a Victim Mentality

The victim mentality rests on three key beliefs:

• Bad things happen and will keep happening.
• Other people or circumstances are to blame.
• Any efforts to create change will fail, so there’s no point in trying.

People who feel trapped in a state of victimization often do express a lot of negativity, but it’s important to realize significant pain and distress often fuel this mindset.

• Avoiding responsibility
• Not seeking possible solutions
• A sense of powerlessness
• Negative self-talk and self-sabotage
• Lack of self-confidence
• Frustration, anger, and resentment

Where does it come from?

Very few — if any — people adopt a victim mentality just because they can. It’s often rooted in a few things.

Past trauma

• Betrayal
• Codependency
• Manipulation

We take a sideline because this is right up my alley. I am a codependent and it took me years to come to grips with that term. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with ME - it was everyone else around me! I was doing it all and I felt powerful...at first. Then taken for granted and eventually, powerless. Why couldn’t people just do what I was telling them to do and we would all be happier. Could I even hear myself? How insane is that? They would be happier if they just did as I said.

Detaching from the responsibility for others’ emotional happiness is quite possibly the most impactful lesson I’ve ever learned. I’m still a people pleaser to some degree. This is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior and for me a knee-jerk in every way but I’m aware and with awareness comes change. 

Remember, many people living with this mindset have faced difficult or painful life events. This doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for them or accept accusations and blame. But try to let empathy guide your response.

• Avoid labeling
• Set boundaries
• Offer help with finding solutions
• Offer encouragement and validation
• Consider where they’re coming from

Time to change the self-talk and become your own mentor. Being around positive people who speak life and love into your world is optimal but you can’t always rely on someone else to be there when you need a shoulder to cry or a joyful injection of good news. It may take you clearing out the dark corners of your mind and replacing the negative with positive.

We go through 15 mantras you can use daily...1.) All the strength you need to lead your life in the direction that feels good is within, you don’t need to acquire or learn anything; it is inside of you.

What happens when you’re feeling your zen and then that anxious feeling of dread and despair comes back….what do you do? Pity-parties are not a reason to celebrate so I guess we aren’t there yet. Remember, we are looking for victory, right?

Christina Star wrote,  Don’t Let Self-Pity Poison Your Life — Choose Self-Compassion Instead with some great tips on getting through these feelings with self-care. 

Self-pity reinforces the sense of being a victim bringing with it, hopelessness and inaction.

Self-compassion also acknowledges the difficulty you find yourself in. But it is not about feeling sorry for yourself, blaming others, or dwelling on misery. 

We discover some new mantras and powerful exercises to create self-awareness and self-compassion. 

This is a moment of suffering.

I am having a really hard time right now.

It’s painful for me to feel what I am feeling.

This is very difficult.

Exercise A:

Put your right hand under your armpit near your heart.

Put your left hand on your right shoulder.

Stay in this posture until you feel a shift.

Choosing to take responsibility for your inner state will help you heal and remember that you can recover, rebuild and thrive even after you have been stopped in your tracks by fate, other people, or even yourself.

 

CHALLENGE: Don’t accept your circumstances without activating your power to choose, your mood, your resolve, your outcome. Decide your desire for happiness is stronger than your need for control. Let go and move on. Claim victory and celebrate your journey!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!