End of Life & Loneliness: Hard Truths & Real Hope

Show notes:

John Swinton, Dementia: Living in the Memories of God. (William B. Eerdmans Pub. Co., 2012). The following are affiliate links for your shopping convenience.

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 Contact Irwin at: Irwin.Harder@mytwu.com

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Reflection Questions from Part 1 https://forms.gle/fohRMokUQSCtujG58

Listen to Episode 1 "Life Lessons I Learned from Mom's Dementia": https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-ip9m2-1401671

Transcript of this episode:

Welcome back to The Loneliness Project, a podcast dedicated to overcoming loneliness as we enter our later years. This is Part 2, titled End of Life and Loneliness: Hard Truths and Real Hope.

My name is Irwin, and as Rita mentioned, I am doing this project as part of my master's degree in Chaplaincy and Spiritual Care. Thank you so much to those who listened to the first episode! I truly appreciate your support.

I also have a very short questionnaire that I sent to my mailing list. If you're not on that list, you can join via the show notes or send me a message on social media, and I'll send the questions your way. As a small thank-you, I’ll be sending a Starbucks card to a couple of randomly chosen responders. Your feedback means a lot to me, and I will respond to some of it in Part 4.

Recap of Part 1

Before diving into today’s discussion, let’s briefly revisit the last episode. We talked about the definitions of social isolation, loneliness, and solitude, and why addressing loneliness among older adults is so crucial.

I asked some key questions:

• Where do you see yourself on the continuum between loneliness and solitude?
• How do you perceive your alone time—do you enjoy it, or does it leave you longing for companionship?
• Do you feel lonelier when alone or when you’re with certain people?
• Can you move from loneliness to enjoying or enduring solitude? Can you build resilience?

These are not easy questions, and there are no simple answers. I don’t claim to be an expert, but I do have insights and practical strategies that I will share in Part 3. In Part 4, we’ll explore theological hope, because I truly believe that hope exists through Jesus Christ.

End of Life and Loneliness

Today, I want to focus on loneliness near the end of life. This isn’t an easy topic—certainly not dinner table conversation—but it’s important to acknowledge the realities that we or our loved ones will face as we age.

The choices we make in midlife significantly impact how we thrive in our later years. My insights come from my studies, research, and personal observations with older adults inside and outside of care homes.

I’ll be covering three key areas:

1. Loneliness and Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD)
2. Loneliness and Dementia
3. Loneliness and Spiritual Distress at End of Life

Loneliness and Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD)

Requests for MAiD have increased since its legalization in Canada. While reasons for seeking MAiD vary—from unbearable pain to not wanting to be a burden—loneliness plays a significant role, even if indirectly. Emotional loneliness can intensify the experience of suffering, making it feel unbearable and hopeless.

As Christians, our response must be sensitive and compassionate, even when we hold strong convictions. Jesus is present even in suffering, offering meaning in what can seem hopeless. While we may not always change someone’s mind about MAiD, we can offer a loving presence and companionship.

Loneliness and Dementia

For this section, I am especially indebted to John Swinton’s book, Dementia: Living in the Memories of God. Swinton highlights that loneliness is a central experience for many with dementia. Studies show that lonely individuals are twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, and loneliness in midlife increases mortality risk and health complications in later years.

One study found that loneliness before age 70 correlates with a higher risk of dementia. More concerning is that it’s not the actual level of social isolation, but the perception of loneliness that has the greatest impact.

Lonely adults are also more likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors such as excessive alcohol use, smoking, and lack of physical activity.

This can feel overwhelming, but knowledge empowers us to take action—both for ourselves and for those we care for.

The Importance of Early Habits

This reminds me of a conversation I once had with my wife, Rita. Years ago, she was part of a women’s group that included both young moms and grandmothers. She noticed that while some older women were kind and warm, others seemed bitter and harsh.

One day, she asked me, almost in a panic: “Does it always happen? Do I have to become a grouchy old lady?”

Without thinking, I replied, “Well, if you don’t want to be a grouchy old lady, don’t be a grouchy young one!”

We’ve talked about this moment ever since. The attitudes and habits we cultivate now shape who we become in later years. Science now backs this up!

How Can We Respond?

Loneliness is both a cause and a consequence of dementia. As social networks shrink, those with dementia struggle to engage. Systemic changes in dementia care are crucial, but on a personal level, we can make a difference.

Jesus' Golden Rule is clear: “Treat others as you would want them to treat you.” That might mean:

• Visiting someone with dementia
• Volunteering in a care home
• Spending time with an elderly neighbor who seems withdrawn

As Andy Stanley says, “Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.”

People with dementia are still people. We must resist the mindset that they cease to be themselves once they can’t remember our names. John Swinton’s book title says it all: Dementia, Living in the Memories of God. Even when someone forgets everyone else—even when they forget God—He never forgets them.

Loneliness and End of Life

Approaching death can bring existential distress, particularly if someone has unresolved spiritual concerns. This period can lead to either spiritual growth or spiritual distress. The difference? Hope. Without hope, loneliness and despair take root.

Spiritual preparation is crucial. A relationship with God in life transforms our experience of death. As I once wrote:

“What is the goal of end-of-life care? Perhaps it is to be more honest—that death is not an easy process. In the messiness, pain, and fear, we can realize that the God of creation, in the form of Jesus, walks with us. We can still be agents of hope—not just in healing or recovery, but in the presence of Jesus, whether in life or in dying.”

I’ll speak more about that hope in Part 4.

Final Thoughts

That was a tough ride! Thank you for sticking with me through this deep and heavy topic. I promise that the next episode will be lighter and more hopeful.

This is Irwin (Mr. Harbourbreeze), signing off.

Blessings, my friends.