Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers
TV & Film:Film Reviews
The faerie folk who may or may not be all leprechauns have been living peacefully in the center of earth (or Middle Earth as some may call it) while a smug little kid who needs to be punted says he wants to team up with them but ends up shooting all of them. Get to the Time Portal, Uter!
Artermis Fowl is a giant piece of crap. With or without, the departures from the book series, this is a giant piece of crap. It's bad from top to bottom. Every single person failed at their job (with the exception of Colin Farrell who doesn't have time to screw it up). From the effects, to the writing, to the directing, to the editing, to the acting, to the sound design, to the props department. Failure. I'm surprised this team isn't in charge of the Covid-19 response. Yikes.
The plot doesn't exist. This is what Sam calls "table-setting" for the later films that won't ever come because of how awful this crap is. Literally nothing happens here. We're not even sure where the climax is. Hell we're not even sure when the movie starts. It's unfathomable.
Then there's the casting/acting. The kid is awful. He's a kid so we can't pick on his skills too much and I'm sure he was just doing what he was told to do but hey, so did the guards at Auschwitz. There's no excuse. Then there's the people who should have known f-ing better: Dame Judi Dench and Josh Gad - both of whom who are doing their worst Bat-voice which isn't good but then failing on top of their failure.
Lastly, the effects. Wow. Just six months ago, we were grabbing our torches and pitchforks for the effects of Cats and these guys pushed those people off their bad effects pedestal and then spiked the football. There's this damn centaur who's body's don't match, laser guns that suck, dubious wings on faeries, and then the time vortex. Wow, the time vortex.
Artemis Fowl is the worst movie of 2020 thus far and its just one more thing that Covid-19 has robbed from us. We should have been able to view this in the theater and then watch the box office returns not come in. Damn you, COVID!!!!
Elf-Man - Better than socks, I guess
Highlander - Listen first before sending death threats
Dirty O’Neil - It’s not his police work that’s dirty - it’s his d---
Bloodfist III - Forced to Watch
Rockula - Maybe don’t turn into a bat, Ralphie
Blood Hook - Sinker Madness
Curse 3: Blood Sacrifice - You’re not Pangaing your way out of this one
Vamps - Undead dating can be such a bummer
Repo Jake - Gonna repo that prophylactic
Sword of the Valiant - Yeah, but why though?
High Spirits - Gave us mild nausea
Gas Pump Girls - Better go to college, kids
Extraterrestrial Visitors - The Trumpyiest Show, but in a good way
The Rookie - Its a Buttendectomy
The Tomb - The Mummy moves to LA for its high quality blood?
Strike Commando 2 - The Gullible Plot
Anaconda - Serone lives!
Deep Rising - didn’t create any deep pockets
Strike Commando - Cut it out!
Secret Agent Club - NatSec doesn’t look good, President Clinton.
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