Challenges that prevent you from exiting an abusive relationship

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In today's episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don't consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves.In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that acts as the 'superglue' between abuser and abused partner. When we are feeling threatened we all have a natural tendency to run towards the person who is closest to us- even if that person is responsible for the very threat in the first place.


There is often surprise and lack of understanding for individuals who are staying in relationships where they are at the receiving end of abuse. Abuse in this context can take many forms, for example being controlled by the partner, belittled, shouted down or physically assaulted. Friends may repeatedly suggest to the abused partner to leave the relationship; they may then get frustrated with the abused friend if the advice is not acted on.

Attachment theory offers a useful explanation for the dynamics in abusive relationships. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby to describe human beings’ strong need to develop close relationships and to attach to particular others in their life. Bowlby described attachment as an innate behavioural system that promotes the survival of human beings. He observed different behaviour patterns in babies when they were under threat as well as the responses by the babies’ primary caregivers. Infants whose caregivers respond to their distress are soothed and develop an understanding of the world that others are there to make them feel safe and secure in the world. Infants whose caregivers regularly ignore their distress will either crank up their crying until there finally is a response or they will give up. In both instances, these infants will develop a very insecure sense of themselves in the world. Insecure attachment finds expression either through an anxious preoccupation with getting attention from the caregiver or an avoidant dismissive stance of not needing any attention at all.

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